


Always Second Best

by dancingwithwolves



Category: Glee
Genre: Eventual Romance, F/M, Mentions of Brittany/Santana, Mentions of Finn's Death, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-29
Updated: 2014-05-03
Packaged: 2018-01-15 02:59:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 86,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1288660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancingwithwolves/pseuds/dancingwithwolves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tina, still dealing with year-old issues, gets more than she bargained for when she agrees to let Trouty Mouth move in with her in NYC.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Keep Breathing

**Author's Note:**

> This is a lot of Tina development with eventual Samtina. Follows the show's canon up to New Directions (5x13) for the most part other than Tina and Sam's education, the Brittana storyline, and a few other minor details.
> 
> TW: Rape/violence in the story in flashbacks. Please understand this before reading. (Rape storyline does not involve Sam.)
> 
> Disclaimer: I guess I'm supposed to say that I do not own Glee. I just assumed that was obvious since this fic revolves around Tina.

**Monday, August 12, 2013**

The plush royal blue duvet is so comfortable you could fall asleep right now. But it’s only 2pm. You’re laying on your freshly made bed in your brand new bedroom in New York City. It’s crazy to think that you’re actually here. Two years ago you would have never believed it if someone told you you’d be here

_“Tina! What can I help you with?” Mr. Schue looked up at you from his desk as you walked into his office._

_You started nervously rambling. “I’m applying to fashion schools. I’ve decided that this is what I want to do. Glee club is so much fun, but I’m not going to be a professional performer like Blaine or Rachel or Kurt…But I’ve loved making all of our costumes. I have a whole sketch book of ideas too.”_

_“Tina, those are awesome plans.” He looked at you smiling sincerely. Although, you weren’t convinced of his sincerity since he wouldn’t give you a single solo for two whole years. You doubted you would even get to sing at all your senior year. And you were pretty much right about that other than Nationals and that God awful performance of Gangnam Style._

_You smiled back at him anyway. “I was hoping you could write me a letter of recommendation.”_

_“Of course!” You gave him the information about the schools you were applying to and the deadline. You really hoped he’d actually finish them on time. No doubt he was also writing letters for Blaine, Sam, and Artie and you know he liked them more than you._

And then there was the day you found out you got into the Fashion Institute of Technology.

_“Tina! You have mail!” Your mom shoved a letter into your hands and stared at you with nervous, wide eyes until you opened it. You quickly ripped the flap back and pulled out a crisp white piece of paper. Your eyes jumped from the words “Ms. Cohen-Chang” to “accepted” and you broke into a broad grin._

_“I GOT INTO FIT!” You squealed and jumped up and down hugging your mom._

_“I am so proud of you baby!” She had tears in her eyes as she held you in a tight hug. She held you back at arms length and looked at you closely. “This is everything, T. You’re going to New York City! Oh, I’m going to miss you so much.”_

_A few tears escaped your eyes, not that it’s unusual for you to cry; you do it all the time. You couldn’t stop smiling and your mom immediately called your dad to tell him to come home early for work for a celebration._

_The following day in Glee club you told everyone about your exciting news. Everyone freaked out and Blaine even organized an impromptu song to congratulate you._

_Going to New York and getting out of Lima was a big deal for everyone in Glee club. No one wanted to be left behind. All of the seniors the year before had gotten away…Mike and Mercedes were in LA following their dreams; Kurt, Rachel, and Santana were in New York. Puck and Finn were in college and you’d heard rumors of Puck joining the military. And, of course, Quinn was at Yale._

_And then there were your fellow seniors. Blaine had already gotten accepted to NYADA and Artie was headed to film school. Last you heard, Sam had big dreams of acting. You actually felt a little twinge of sympathy knowing Sam and Brittany hadn’t heard anything yet, but at the same time, you were glad you weren’t the last one._

_You had gotten in to your first choice school. For the first time since you were with Mike, you didn’t feel like second best._

You smile fondly at that memory. It really was one of the best memories you have from the past year. But how you ended up living in this apartment with _this_ roommate is still a little weird. You’re really taking a chance here. 

_“Blaine, who am I going to live with? I can’t believe you’re moving in with Kurt! He already has a place to live!” You whined to Blaine while walking down the hall to Glee club. “It’s New York City! I can’t just live alone.”_

_“Tay Tay, I’m sorry. Kurt and I are engaged. We want to move into together. It’s the next step in our relationship. What about Artie? Or you could move in with Rachel and Santana?”_

_You gave him a face. “There is no way in hell I’d move in with Rachel Berry and Santana and I were never friends. I’ve already asked Artie. He has plans to move in with some guys from his new school. He said one of them is handicapped too, so they’re all used to it and already have accommodations…ugh…just forget it, Blaine.”_

_You stalked off and sat in the back row. Blaine sat a few seats away from you and made his puppy dogface he always made to try to break through your icy exterior. It didn’t work that time. You were terrified. How could you move to New York City and live alone? Even though your parents had promised to find you a great apartment and even pay for most of it, you didn’t want to be alone. But then again, ever since Mike had left, you were alone, which was probably why you became so attached to Blaine._

_The following day you were putting your books in your locker before Glee club as Sam and Brittany approached you._

_“Hey Tina. This is probably going to sound really weird, but we should live together.” Sam looked at you with his wide green eyes._

_“What?” You gave him a confused look. He glanced at Brittany before speaking again._

_“Blaine said you didn’t have anyone to live with in New York and neither do I. I just found out yesterday that I got into NYU, somehow, for acting and I don’t want to live in the dorms…and I also can’t really afford it…”_

_You opened your mouth to start to speak but then stopped. You glanced between Sam and Brittany who both stared at you expectantly with big bright eyes. “Congratulations about NYU! That’s amazing, Sam. But…um…let me think about the roommate thing.”_

_You stormed into the choir room and found Blaine looking through sheet music._

_“Hey Tina, I was thinking we could do this piece –”_

_“Blaine, what are you thinking?! You told Sam to move in with me?” You cut him off._

_Blaine looked at you, seeming slightly scared of you. That look was one you’d grown accustomed to since your “goth” phase._

_“T, I just thought…maybe…I don’t know. Look, you’re both my best friends and I thought maybe you could get along and it could work out. I mean remember how you two teamed up together over Christmas to win the green tree contest? You guys worked so well together.” He tried hard to win you over._

_You pursed your lips and glared at him. It’s not a terrible idea, but you didn’t want to give in that easily. Sam completely blindsided you because of Blaine. You do not like it when people take you by surprise._

_“Just think about it. Get to know Sam a little better. I think it could really work out.” He raised his eyebrows and gave you a slight smile and turned back to his sheet music._

_Over the following weeks you watched Sam closely. You were impressed with how he handled Brittany dumping him in front of everyone and even calling Santana to help console her, and how he and Blaine took charge when Mr. Schuester was sick. You even chose him to be your prom date, then dumped him as your date but then danced with him anyway. He was especially supportive during the mortifying stunt the bitchy Cheerio pulled to ruin your moment at prom, even crowning you queen himself. And then Finn died._

_You clutched your two ex-boyfriends’ hands during the memorials and felt heartbreak like you never had before. And you had had your own fair share of misery in the past year, not that anyone knew about it. Maybe it was Finn’s death that made you soften, but ended up agreeing then to the roommate proposition._

_“Sam? Hey, I wanted to talk to you.” You swallowed hard. You’d spent most of the day crying and judging by his red-rimmed eyes, so had he. “I wanted to ask if your roommate offer was still valid.”_

_He smiled sheepishly and nodded. “Yeah. I don’t have any other options really.”_

_“Well I’m game if you are.” You gave him a small smile back. He wrapped his arms around you tight and squeezed you in a bear hug._

_“Thank you, Tina. You won’t regret it. I’ll be on my best behavior.”_

_You talked with your parents and they agreed to rent a small two-bedroom apartment in East Harlem for about $1,700 a month. Your dad is a lawyer and your mom works for the bank so your family has never struggled for money. You told them about Sam’s family and financial problems and they agreed to pay most of the rent and give him a reduced rate of only $500 a month, which of course means you get the bigger bedroom._

_After that you became a lot closer to Sam. Blamtina, the name you all had given your friendly threesome, became the best of friends. Well, mostly you and Blaine and Sam and Blaine, but you and Sam had your moments too especially when the three of you would hang out._

_But then of course there was the kiss. Blaine was furious about catching you and Sam locking lips, but what could you say? You had to try it before you made that big of a commitment. Sam was great about it. You both decided you were just friends, even though you still wondered if maybe you decided that simply because of Blaine’s reaction. You also knew you had to test Sam in some way. You had to know that he was a standup guy and wouldn’t try anything weird. Living with a guy was going to be a big deal, especially after everything that happened, but you felt like you could trust him. After all, he was Sam Evans, one of the nicest guys you’d ever met and he was Blaine’s best friend._

_You knew it was really right after you lost Nationals though. Regardless of the sloppy kiss you shared the week before, nothing had been weird between the two of you. In fact you had even spent more time together. And the way that Sam had stepped up and every speech he made…he was the leader you all had needed, but he never tried to replace Finn. He made that Nationals almost even more special than the year before when the club won. He made it about Finn. He rallied the team together to honor someone you all loved so much. You knew he had always known Sam was a great guy, but in that moment you knew that he was a friend you wanted to have in your life forever._

“Tina?” You’re interrupted from your thoughts by a knock on your door. 

“Come in.” 

Blaine pokes his head in your door and gestures for you to join him in the living room. You and Sam just finished moving all of your things in last night and decided it would be a good idea to lay out some rules regarding living together. And who better to act as your third party than Blaine. 

You sit down at the brand new table your parents bought you from Ikea and take the piece of paper Blaine hands you. 

“Okay, so where should we start?” Blaine asks you. 

“Um I guess we could go through each room and set rules that way, and then address visitors and certain times we do things…” You shrug. 

“Whatever you say, Stove.” Sam says, doing an impression of Kristen Wigg from Bridesmaids. You smirk. At least having Sam around will bring a little of joy back into your life. 

“Okay, so the kitchen…” Blaine starts listing areas of the apartment. You nod and give your input here and there, but for the most part you’re bored. The old Tina would have needed to dictate everything, but after the hellish year you’ve had, you have no energy to care about much these days. 

“The bathroom door doesn’t lock, so always knock.” Sam says, but then flexes and wiggles his eyebrows at you suggestively. “Not that I have anything to hide.” You giggle. 

“Gross, you guys…last…visitors, most specifically, overnight visitors.” Blaine states solemnly, as if having overnight guests is a huge deal. 

“Just give me a heads up and we should be fine.” You say looking at Sam, scrunching your face into a slightly disgusted look. “And don’t be too loud and don’t let anyone steal my stuff.” 

Sam chuckles and runs his hands through his long hair. He still hasn’t cut it since before you graduated. “Same goes to you. No crazy homeless people off the street.”

“Okay guys, this looks like it pretty much covers all of the bases. I have to run to pick up Kurt, but Tina, I’ll be here first thing in the morning for our dance class!” Blaine says, all too cheerfully. “And I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon for your haircut, Sam?”

Sam nods. The boys hadn’t reveled in their extra special bromance all summer since Sam had been home with his parents in Kentucky and Blaine had been between here and Lima. Blaine squeezes Sam’s shoulder and gives him a smile. You’re excited to see those golden locks be cut off. 

You groan at the thought of waking up early. You had almost forgotten how early Blaine is making you get up to go to a Zumba hip-hop class on the first day of real classes. And you’re not sure why the first day is a Tuesday anyway. But you’re determined to avoid the freshman fifteen so you agree to early morning workouts with Kurt and Blaine. 

“Ugh fine. I’ll be up.” You stand to hug him and let him kiss you on the cheek. You’re glad you got over the hag phase. It’s embarrassing to think about, but you had just needed someone at the time and Blaine was the one who was there. 

You watch Sam shut the door behind Blaine. He turns to look at you. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and rocks back on his heels. 

“So…” He raises his eyebrows at you. 

“So here we are.” You say, looking back at him. It’s kind of the first time the two of you have been completely left alone. Blaine has always been a buffer in your friendship since the two of you never spent anytime together without him.

You glance around the small apartment, _your_ apartment. The whole thing was only about 800 square feet, long and rectangular. The front door opened to a hallway. On one end there was a fairly spacious living area that doubled as a dining room, with a kitchen just off the side. And on the other end were two long and narrow bedrooms and a bathroom. Aside from the Ikea table, you had a hand-me-down couch from your parents, a new TV mounted on the wall, and a refinished coffee table that Sam had contributed. There were a few pictures on the walls, mostly of you and your family, Sam and his family, and the Glee club and a couple of the two of you and Blaine, since that was really all you had in common with Sam Evans. 

“Well the fridge is empty. Want to figure out where the grocery store is?” Sam asks rubbing his hand over his abs. You can almost hear his stomach growling. 

 

After a rousing trip to Whole Foods, which mostly consisted of chasing after Sam as he rolled away on the cart and standing in the Asian foods aisle answering questions about what kinds of food you knew how to cook, you stand over the stove making fried rice for you and your new roommate. 

“Are you sure I can’t do anything?” Sam looks over your shoulder at the rice then pulls your new Britta water filter from the fridge. 

“Yeah, pour me a glass too. The rice is almost finished. This is Mike’s mom’s recipe. I love my mom’s too but Mrs. Chang’s is my favorite.” You say looking back down at the lightly browned rice mixed with peas, carrots, sprouts, egg, and chicken. 

“You don’t talk about Mike much.” Sam states matter-of-factly. “Well that’s what Blaine said anyway. He told me not bring him up…but we’re living together so we might as well be open about things…”

You stir the rice a few more times, gathering your thoughts. You appreciate Sam’s openness and how forward he is. You never get the feeling that Sam tiptoes around you at all. Blaine, on the other hand, is always too cautious. As if he knows more than he does. But that’s _impossible_. 

You scoop out two bowls of rice and turn back to Sam. His green eyes are on you, waiting patiently for you to say something. 

“Mike and I…he was my first love, the love of my life, I thought. But it’s been a whole year. It’s not really that important anymore.” _And there’s much more to the story,_ you think to yourself. There’s no way you’re getting into that with Sam. You’d never even told Mike, or Blaine, or your parents. 

Sam just shrugs at you. “I thought the same thing about Mercedes. Which is kind of funny. Who would have thought that the two of them would be off in LA being best friends and the two of us would be here living together?”

You grin. “It is ironic how this worked out. I’m glad we stayed friends though, Sam.”

He smiles back and takes a bowl of rice from you. He bounds over to the couch and pats the seat next to him, gesturing for you to sit down. 

“Wha’ ‘ou wanna ‘atch?” He says through a mouthful of rice. You giggle and turn the TV on and start flipping through channels. You shovel a spoonful of rice in your mouth. It’s not quite as good as Mrs. Chang’s, but still delicious. 

You stop on a rerun of Supernatural. “I love this show!”

Sam turns to you with wide eyes. “You do? Me too! I would’ve never expected you to like things like this.”

“Sammy…” You say, imitating Dean, the TV show character. “I always forget that you missed my goth phase. I had Figgins thinking I was actually a vampire one time.”

Sam snorts and soon you’re both giggling uncontrollably, exchanging stories about silly things from high school as you finish your dinner. You completely miss the episode. 

“Okay, no I was not the only hag in school, thank you very much. I’m guessing Mercedes never told you about how she spent half of her sophomore year crushing on Kurt.”

Sam is laughing even harder. “She…did. She told…me.” He gets out through his chuckles. “But she wasn’t the one who attacked Blaine with vapor rub.”

“Oh shut up Sam! It was a one-time thing! Ugh!” You feign frustration, but laugh. But the laughter is fake too. The whole situation got blown way out of proportion by Kurt. You didn’t actually do anything weird. You rubbed a little bit of vapor rub on Blaine’s chest, but only at the base of his collar bone. You wouldn’t ever take advantage of someone like that, regardless of your feelings for them. 

“I’m kidding Tina.” He grins and ruffles your hair before picking up the dishes and walking them to the kitchen. 

You glance at your phone. It’s a little after ten. You start to feel jittery since tomorrow if your first day of classes. You have no idea what to expect. You stand and refill your glass of water. 

“I think I’m going to get ready for bed. Blaine will be here at an ungodly hour for that dance class and then there’s actual class…” You stare at your glass trying to figure out why you let Blaine talk you into a dance class on your first day of school. 

“Are you nervous?” Sam looks at you with his big green eyes again. You raise your eyebrows and widen your eyes and nod. 

“Don’t be nervous, T! You’re going to be awesome at your fashion school making clothes and stuff!” You laugh at his pep talk. He surprises you by wrapping his arms around you, making you tense. But then you relax almost immediately. Sam’s big, muscular arms are comforting. You break apart and look at him again. 

“Are you okay?” He’s clearly more intuitive than you thought. 

“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine. Just nerves.” You force a smile. “Goodnight, Sammy.” 

He laughs at your impression of Dean Winchester. “Night, Tina.”

After a quick shower, you pull the duvet cover back and slip in your bed. You pull out your phone to double check your class schedule and set an alarm. You’re not ready for the long day ahead. 

 

**Tuesday, August 13, 2013**

_You see him. You see yourself, almost as if you’re looking down from above. He grabs your hand. When you pull away, you see him grinning. He darts behind you and grabs you, pinning your arms down by your sides with one arm and covering your mouth with the other. You watch yourself squirm. He pulls you into the bedroom and locks the door. “Tina?…Tina!”_

“Tina!” You jolt awake and shrink away from the shirtless figure and the big hands that shook you awake. You panic until you see Sam’s face. He holds his hands up and furrows his eyebrows. 

“Are you okay? You were screaming.” 

You inhale deeply to try to steady your rapid breathing. You slowly nod. “Yeah…” You take in your surroundings and find yourself safely tucked in your new bed. “Yeah, I’m sorry I woke you up. Nightmare…”

“It’s okay…” He pressed his lips together, his brow still furrowed. “Do you need anything? Are you sure you’re all right?”

“I’m fine, really. Thanks Sam.” You watch as he turns to leave your room. You take a gulp of water from the glass on your nightstand. You haven’t had any nightmares in months. Why were they coming back now? You can’t wake Sam up screaming every night. 

You lean over the side of your bed to grab your headphones and plug them into your phone. You click on the playlist called Relax. You settle back against your pillows and get lost in Ingrid Michaelson’s _Keep Breathing_ and try your hardest to push the all too familiar nightmare out of your head. Ever since you first started having the nightmares the only thing that helps you get back to sleep is a select number of soothing songs. You just wish they would stop. 

 

After another fitful few hours of sleep, your alarm blares right next to your head. You curse at your iPhone and hit the snooze. Ten minutes felt like ten seconds and soon it sounds in your ear again. You look at the time. 7:40. Blaine said he’d be here at 8:15 for the 9 o’clock class. You guess you should get up. 

You open your door to find Sam in his bedroom doorway doing pull ups on a portable pull up bar, his back to you. You duck your head as you make a beeline for the bathroom. You didn’t expect to see him up this early. _He’s insane_ , you think to yourself. You can’t imagine getting up early to work out like that, but then you realize that’s exactly what you’re doing. 

You look in the mirror at the dark circles under your eyes. You haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in so long and it shows. You splash water on your face and brush your teeth. 

You peek out of the bathroom to see if Sam is still in the hallway. There’s no sign of him. You’re not ready to face him after your _episode_ last night. You dart back to your room and shut the door. You throw on yoga pants and an athletic t-shirt and your Nikes. After pulling your hair back into a lose pony-tail, you put some concealer on the bags under your eyes and a coat of mascara on your lashes. 

You glance around your room. You thought it best to pack your school things yesterday since you are clearly not a morning person. You double-check that you have everything then carry your things to the door. You grab a banana and fill your thermos with water and wait for Blaine on the couch. 

“Morning, Teeeena!” Sam bounds out of his room, also wearing workout gear. 

“Good morning.” You mumble. “Going somewhere?”

“Yeah, thought I’d get in a run. Gotta stay in tip top shape.” He’s bouncing on his toes a little. You have no idea where he gets his energy. You give him a small smile. So far he hasn’t mentioned last night and you’re grateful. 

“When will Blaine be here?”

“He said 8:15.” You glance at your phone. 8:15. And a knock on the door. “There he is.”

Sam opens the door and smirks at the shorter boy. “Nice shorts.” 

“Thanks, Sam.” Blaine says sincerely, completely oblivious to the blond’s sarcasm. You grin at the sight of him in dangerously short red athletic shorts and a matching tank top and sweatband around his forehead. “Ready to go Tina?”

“Yep!” You hop off the couch and grab your bags. The three of you walk down the single flight of stairs to your third floor apartment. Sam says goodbye and starts jogging in the opposite direction. 

 

After a short subway ride, you arrive at a fitness studio conveniently located only ten short blocks away from FIT. Surely you can walk that. You spot Kurt standing outside next to a skinny, tan girl with entirely too much black hair pulled back into a ponytail. Blaine calls out to Kurt and he and the girl turn to face you. You’d recognize that Latina face anywhere. 

“Santana’s here?” You say in a hushed whisper as you glare at Blaine. You would not have agreed to come if you had known she’d be here. Santana is not the person you want to spend any early mornings with. 

“Gay Blaine, Hag.” Santana smirks and nods to both of you. You give her your iciest glare in return. 

“Satan.” You say to Santana as you turn to Kurt, who is failing to hide his grin at Santana’s choice of nickname. You narrow your eyes at both of them. Blaine grabs you by the elbow. 

“They’re kidding, Tina. Everyone, be nice.” Blaine scolds the other two and leads you inside. He swipes his NYADA ID and types in your name as his guest, and then Kurt does the same for Santana. Blaine had explained to you that the gym partners with NYADA and gives NYADA students free admission and one guest pass each to the weight room and dance classes. You put your bags down next to Kurt’s at the back of the room and join the others as they take their places in front of the mirrors that line the front wall of the studio. 

Despite your initial bad mood, the Zumba class is actually a lot of fun. You don’t have any trouble with the basic dance moves since you had plenty of practice in Glee club and Santana even fumbles some of the more complicated moves. When it’s over, you’re giggling with the rest of them. 

“Santana will show you where the girl’s changing room is. We usually meet across the street at the smoothie place after if you have time.” Blaine tells you. You nod and follow Santana down the hall. 

You grab a fresh towel off of the rack and wipe your brow. Luckily, the workout was just light enough that you didn’t sweat much. You step into one of the changing stalls and pull out the outfit you carefully selected for your first day of class. 

You pull on a pair of slightly high-waisted, flowy, navy blue shorts and a short-sleeve white blouse with little flowers printed all over it. You tuck the shirt into your shorts and slide on your favorite pair of nude colored flats. You play with your hair a little to spice up your up-do. 

“Cute outfit.” Santana says with a half-smile as you walk out of the changing room. You follow her across the street to find Kurt and Blaine sitting at a table, sipping smoothies. You grab a coffee and join the boys. Santana follows closely behind you. 

“So, did you love Pierre’s class?” Kurt gushed over the French Zumba instructor. 

“He’s a little hard to comprende.” Santana rolls her eyes. 

“Oh hush Santana. He’s great.” 

“Babe, I’m pretty sure you just like him for his abs.” Blaine gazes at Kurt with an expression that makes you want to throw up. Santana exaggerates a gag and you struggle to stifle a giggle. 

“Oh shut up you two. Tina, I know you liked his abs too. Don’t even try to pretend that you didn’t.” Kurt glares at the two of you. 

“Guilty.” You sigh dreamily as you picture Pierre’s toned physique. 

“Gross. He looked a lot like the plastic man whore Berry dated last year.” Santana wrinkles her nose in disgust. Kurt shudders. 

“Don’t ever bring him up again.” He narrows his eyes at the Latina girl. She shrugs and rolls her eyes but seems to drop it. 

“Well guys, we have to run. Tina, I’m so glad you came with us!” Blaine squeezes your shoulder as he and Kurt stand and move toward the door. “You’re coming again Thursday right?”

You nod and wave goodbye to your friends. You return your attention to your table to find Santana studying you. 

“…If that’s okay with you that I keep tagging along. I didn’t realize you were going too.” You look her squarely in the eye, not giving her the satisfaction of knowing that she’s intimidating you. 

“Actually I asked Blaine to invite you along.” She tells you simply. 

You’re taken aback. “You…why?” You scrunch up your face and tilt you head, looking at her quizzically. 

“Well…okay, look.” She furrows her brow. She’s clearly arguing with herself in her head. “I know that you and I have never really been friends, just friends with the same idiots from Glee club. But the truth is…New York is a huge city and it’s hard to make friends. And ever since Rachel and I started working together, our friendship has been a bit…strained. And Britt is always miles away.” She sighs. “I could use some more girl friends. And preferably ones who will take my side over Rachel’s…and I may be a big bitch, but so are you.” She finishes with a smirk. 

You stare at her incredulously. You’re skeptical, but you also know that Santana does not do this sort of thing often. It would be a weird change hanging out with Satan, but right now, you’re open to change. Change is good.

"Well here's to fresh starts." You say raising your coffee to hers, offering her smile. 

 

Your first day of classes was fairly uneventful. You’re taking six classes: three on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, all morning classes, and three on Tuesday and Thursday, your afternoon classes. You have to take a series of general education courses along with your actual fashion design classes, which you’re pretty bummed about. You were always good at math and science, but you couldn’t care less about them. 

You’re taking an intermediate level French class…since you opted for French in high school to avoid Mr. Schue’s awful Spanish skills, general psychology, calculus…even though you don’t need a math that difficult, and then sewing techniques II…since you already know how to sew, flat design I, and apparel design I. 

You’re especially excited for apparel design. You have to come up with designs on paper and then a 3D version on mannequins. You didn’t expect to be using mannequins so soon. 

It’s almost six when you get off the subway and walk the last block to your apartment. You inhale deeply and smell something delicious before you even open the door. 

“Hello?” You call. 

“In here!” Sam shouts from the kitchen over the blaring music. “I hope you like salmon. I made some for salads.”

He grins proudly at you then his work as you enter the room. 

“Well, it smells great. I thought you didn’t eat salmon though.” You smile back at him as he turns down the music. You deposit your bags on the floor and join him at the table. He pushes salad bowl in front of you. You momentarily forgot that Sam is a health nut, but the salad does actually look really good. 

“I’ve gotten a little more lenient about what I eat in the past year. How was your first day?” He asks you as he shovels a mouthful of salmon in his mouth. 

“It went well. My psychology professor seems cool and I’m really excited about apparel design.” You take a bite of your Sam-made salad. _Yum._

“What’s that?” 

“Basically the first step in actually making clothes. Ya know, turning a drawing into something tangible…using mannequins and cloth.”

“That’s awesome! You always made the best costumes for our competitions.”

You flash him a smile. “This is delicious, Sam…What time will you have classes in the mornings when you start next week?” NYU’s classes don’t start until almost a whole week after your own. 

He groans. “Nine.”

You roll your eyes. “You were up at 7 this morning working out. 9 is hardly early for you.”

“I know. I’m just nervous about the first day. It’s like not like normal school, you know? It’s all about acting and performing without the Glee club.”

“And you’ve been doing killer impressions since I first met you junior year. You’re going to be great.” You give him an encouraging smile. 

He laughs softly. “I hope so. I mean it’s a miracle I actually got in at all. It was really thanks to Mr. Schue, Blaine, and Finn. They kind of put together my portfolio. I did horribly on my SATs…well I did a little better the second time when I didn’t get my B’s and D’s mixed up. Did you know that you can get extra time if you’re dyslexic?”

“Sam, you don’t need a good score of the SATs to be a great actor. And they just pulled all of your accomplishments together so you could see it clearly. It’s been you all along, whether you get your B’s and D’s right or not!”

He grins sheepishly at you. “Thanks for the pep talk.”

You laugh. “That’s all I’ve got in me for the night though. I’m going to take a shower. I can do the dishes when I get out since you cooked.”

You get up from the table and walk straight to the bathroom and turn the water on hot. You get in and start softly singing an Elton John song that’s been stuck in your head all day. You run your hands over your shoulders and immediately stop singing. You feel the small scar on your right shoulder and you’re back in last night’s nightmare. You’re watching yourself getting pulled into the bedroom. You see your shoulder slam into the corner of the nightstand as he pushes you down on the bed. You shake your head and scrub and scour your body trying to rid yourself of the awful memory. No matter how hard you scrub you can’t get clean. 

You turn the water off and wrap your towel around you. You sit on the side of the tub and take a deep breath. If only you could just forget. 

After a few minutes of trying to forget, you resign yourself to never being able to forget and push it to the back of your mind. You stand and reach for where you normally put your pajamas and realize that you forgot to bring them into the bathroom. _Shit._ You think to yourself. What are the odds of him being in the hall? You listen for movement outside the door and try to wrap the small towel around you as best you can. 

Apparently the odds of him being out there are high, because as soon as you step out of the door to tiptoe to your room, he bumps into you, causing your towel to shift dangerously low on your chest. 

You freeze and so does Sam, but not before his eyes flick downwards to the sight of your naked body wrapped in a very small towel. His eyes meet yours and a small smile plays at the corners of his pouty lips. 

“Sorry!” He says quickly and steps into his own room. You immediately run to yours and shut the door. 

_Of course. Of course he was right there._ You think to yourself. You grab a t-shirt and pajama shorts and pull them on and flop back onto your cozy comforter. Your head is swimming with too many emotions for one day. On one hand you’re reliving an experience you’d kill to forget and on the other hand you feel the familiar tingle in the pit of your stomach of your close encounter with Sam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the purposes of this fic, Mike is in LA. For some reason I assumed he was, probably because he and Mercedes were always together. So forget Chicago. Mike is in LA. 
> 
> Song credits:
> 
> Keep Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson
> 
>  
> 
> Also:
> 
> So I found a bunch of pictures that I've used as inspiration, I guess, for this fic. Most are screen caps from Glee, one is of Chord and Jenna together, and then a layout of an NY apartment that I've based Tina and Sam's apartment on. I put them all in a photobucket album: http://s1274.photobucket.com/user/dancingwithwolves2/library/Always%20Second%20Best?sort=3&page=1
> 
> None of the photos are mine.
> 
> I also totally did this because I'm obsessed and dork: http://games.usvsth3m.com/2048/samtina-20-edition/


	2. I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

**Monday, August 19, 2013**

The rest of your first week had gone by with no real excitement. Sam neglected to mention your nightmare or your near nip-slip and for that you were, and still are, extremely grateful. The two of you took turns making dinner for each other and picking what to watch on TV. Living with him was surprisingly easy and comfortable. 

You attended Zumba class with all three gays again on Thursday and made plans with Santana to have lunch today. 

So now you’re sitting at a table in the back of a sketchy looking Mexican restaurant near the dance studio waiting for her to arrive. You glance through a menu that is almost entirely in Spanish and spot the word margarita. You really wish you were old enough to drink _legally_. The summer before junior year you spent a lot of time drinking and going to parties, partly because you were angry that Mike was leaving and that he had dumped you, but mostly to forget. You actually spent a significant part of the summer partying with Santana and Brittany, but all three of you were so drunk all the time that Santana probably doesn’t remember. 

Finally you spot the skinny girl storm in the restaurant. You suppress a giggle as she makes her way to the table, scaring the hostess to death with her angry face. 

“What the fuck Girl Chang. You really couldn’t have warned me that Trouty Mouth was at NYU? I mean what are the odds that I’d have ever single class with my girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend that she blew me off for?” She throws her hands up in the air before slamming them back down on the table. 

You stare at her with your eyebrows raised. “I didn’t even know you were going to NYU. And really, every single class? That sounds like a bit of an exaggeration.”

She huffed again. “Yes, today was my first day too, as a freshman. Obviously, I didn’t go there last year. I got in last spring…accepted into the drama program. And apparently so did Lisa Rinna…Every single class, Tina. At least all of the drama classes. See, NYU does this thing where all of the drama students who are accepted are placed in different studios depending on, I don’t know, your audition tape and application and what type of acting you want to do. And basically those people become your ‘family.’” She holds her hands up to make air quotes as she exaggerates the word. “So now that Guppy Face and I are ‘family,’ we can hold hands and sing sweet country songs about our first loves cheating on us with their ex-boyfriends who they thought got them pregnant via premature ejaculation in a hot tub.” 

You laugh at her fake country accent. She cracks a smile and shakes her head. “This is going to be torture.”

“Sam’s really not that bad. I mean, I live with the guy.” 

“Perfect. You can tell me if I have to beat his ass for talking shit about me or Britt.”

“Calm down Satan. He doesn’t talk shit about anyone. That’s my job.” You say as the waiter comes over to take your order. You ask for tacos and extra salsa. 

“Hmm…me gustería un taco con pollo y…um…el gazpacho. Mmm…sí, el gazpacho. Gracias.” Santana orders in flawless Spanish and with a dazzling smile. 

“Show off.” You mumble, rolling your eyes. 

“Watch it Squints, I’ll tell him to put cow tongue in your tacos.”

You shake your head at her. “So if we’re going to be friends, I need to know things. You’re back with Brittany, right? What is she doing? Where are you living? With Rachel still? What was the deal with your fight over Funny Girl anyway? What—”

“Whoa, what is this lunch or an interrogation?” She cuts you off. “Yes, I’m with Brittany. We got back together over the summer…she did this whole thing with lilies and singing and won me over. I feel kind of bad because I kind of just dumped Dani on her ass, but it’s Brittany. And she’s still at Rutgers…she and I take turns going back and forth on the weekends when we can. It kind of sucks, but she’s a lot closer in New Jersey than she was in Ohio, so that’s kind of nice.”

“Is she majoring in dance?”

Santana nods. “That was quick.” Your food is set down in front of you. 

“I’m still living with Rachel but we moved to East Village since we can both technically afford it now. She pays more rent than I do, but that’s her way of making sure I don’t poison her to steal the spotlight. I’m still her understudy in Funny Girl, which is what caused that whole debacle, but she hasn’t missed a day yet. I’m convinced I won’t ever actually get up on stage, but they still pay me.” She shrugs. 

“I have no idea how you can stand to live with her.” 

“I’ll deny it if you ever tell anyone, but she’s actually kind of great.” She says with a small smile. “I mean she is the most annoying dwarf I’ve ever met, but she keeps a clean apartment and she’s been there for me through every up and down with Brittany and Dani. She’s changed since high school…since Finn died too.”

You own expression softens as Santana’s does. It’s always hard when someone mentions Finn. 

“Since we’re kind of on the topic…I remember you and Sam being pretty close during the memorial and yet you still hate him?”

She sighs loudly. “I don’t _hate_ him. I just…Brittany picked him over me. I mean she’s mine again and I don’t hold it against her, but it still stung. I guess I just have a bruised ego. No one outdoes Snix.” She pauses. “As far as the memorial goes…I needed someone. Even though everyone in Glee club is like family, my closest friends couldn’t be there. Brittany and Quinn physically weren’t there and Kurt and Rachel and Puck were dealing with their own emotions. Sam was kind of the closest person I had to Brittany. I mean you were all up on boy Chang but you guys don’t talk. What’s the deal with that?”

“It was a rough break up. A lot more happened than people knew about.” You shrug. You’re not sure of this new friendship yet and you’re definitely not ready to be open about everything with her.

“Which is why you spent a lot of time partying with me and Britt afterwards?” She looks at you with a nonjudgmental expression. You’re actually starting to see the softer side of Santana. 

You nod. “I wasn’t about to go out by myself and the two of you were the only people I knew, and trusted, that partied hard. I just needed to get out of my head.”

“I get that. I spent a lot of time trying to get out of my own head before I came out.” She nods, swirling her spoon around her soup bowl. She doesn’t push it any further. She takes the silence as a cue to change the subject. 

“So, Rachel and I are throwing a little get together Saturday, probably around 8ish, since we actually have a Saturday off from Funny Girl for some reason. You, Trouty Mouth, and Wheels are invited and obviously Gay Blaine. Think of it as an initiation for our fellow Glee clubbers in the city that never sleeps. It’s just going to be us and the Pretty Pony and Brittany, of course.” She says, her voice taking on a girlish tone as she says her girlfriend’s name. If you hadn’t known her for all these years, the nicknames she gives her friends would seriously confuse you.

“You’re not going to haze us, are you?” You ask, raising your eyebrows and putting a few dollars on the table to pay for your meal. 

“No, no, nothing like that. This is mostly Rachel and Brittany’s idea, so no hate crimes…this time.” She says with a smirk. “Oh and I almost forgot. Let’s stop by the liquor store after this. Mamí needs some wine and Auntie Snix seems to recall that a certain Asian lady likes tequila.”

“Santana, you’re only 20.”

“My ID says I’m 22.” She says with a smug grin. 

 

You sit the bottle of tequila in the freezer to chill and take out your sketchbook. You sit at the kitchen table, pop in your headphones, click your Relax playlist, and work on the sketch of a dress you’ve been tweaking for about a week. You’re erasing and redrawing when you’re startled by Sam slamming his book bag on the table. 

“Whoa, hey.” You say tentatively, pulling the ear buds from your ears. 

“Santana freaking Lopez is in all of my classes!” He starts yelling. “She hates me because of Brittany and constantly has to nag on me, calling me names and putting me down. I can’t stand being in the same room with her.”

“Yeah…she told me about that.”

“You knew?!” He gives you an incredulous look.

You throw you hands up defensively. “I just found out today. She had a similar reaction.”

“You’re friends with her? How can you stand to even be around her? She’s mean!”

“Sam, she’s not that bad. She was upset about you and Brittany mostly because she got her feelings hurt. And like I told her today, I happen to remember you and her actually acting like you cared about each other at Finn’s memorial.”

Sam’s face softens at the mention of Finn. It always does. “Yeah, you’re right. I know she’s not that bad. I mean Brittany loves her, right? She just…it’s the constant teasing and bullying.”

“Maybe we could both talk to her. She’s trying pretty hard to be friends with me, so maybe I could talk her into being nicer. I mean you guys have to work together…it would probably be a lot easier if you liked each other. Although I can’t promise she’ll stop calling you Trouty Mouth.”

Sam groans loudly and rolls his eyes. 

“Sammy, don’t be upset.” You whine. He just shrugs. You want to cheer him up. 

“Ba ba bum bah…ba ba bum bah…” You start singing U2’s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” softly after mentioning Finn made you remember Sam’s favorite performance of all time. You watch a smile creep over his face. He starts to sing softly, progressively getting louder.

_I have climbed highest mountains_  
 _I have run through the fields_  
 _Only to be with you_  
 _Only to be with you_

You jump up and grab both of his hands and pull him to the living room. You push the coffee table out of the way and harmonize with him. 

_I have kissed honey lips_  
 _Felt the healing in her fingertips_  
 _It burned like fire_  
 _This burning desire_

He spins your around so that your back is pressed up against him with arms wrapped around you. You sway like that as he sings into your ear, his lips nearly touching you. You feel the familiar flutter of butterflies is your stomach as you grin and he spins you back around. 

_But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for_  
 _But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for_

You wrap your arms around his neck and sway back and forth as you finish the song. He kisses the side of your head.

“I love that song.” He whispers. 

You nod. “Me too.”

He pulls back a little. “We should have won.”

You nod again. You think back to how Sam carried the team through Nationals just a few months ago. He brought the team together. You remember how he escaped the immediate post-performance cheering and instead Will Schuester found the blond teary-eyed and exhausted. You can’t imagine how emotionally drained he must have felt attempting to fill Finn’s shoes while still grieving his death. Even before the incident last summer, you would have never been able to do something like that. 

“Yes we should have. We had the best leader out there.”

He gives you a sad smile. “I recall you giving Rachel a run for her money in ‘More Than a Feeling.’ Tina Cohen-Chang finally got her turn in the spotlight.”

“Yeah really, it only took four years. I was almost positive that Marley would get the solo. And anyway, Blaine was the new Rachel.” You roll your eyes. Sam grins at you. 

You sit back down at the table and gesture for Sam to join you. 

“So…other than Satan being in your classes, how was your first day?” 

He starts talking animatedly but you can’t help going back to that weekend. You remember what you said about your life being empty after Glee and Carole’s response. She was right… _at least I get a life_. But you were right too. Since the summer before senior year your life has been empty. Glee club was the only thing that made you happy all year and now you don’t have that. 

You know you should be happy. It was over a year ago and you’re in this amazing city with your closest friends doing exactly what you had hoped to do, but you can’t let it go. Or rather, it won’t let you go.

 

**Saturday, August 24, 2013**

“Come on Sam, please come. I can’t go to Rachel Berry’s apartment without back up.”

“You know Rachel isn’t that bad, Tina. I see Santana for four hours a day, almost every day of the week. I don’t really want to go to her apartment.”

“But Sammy, she’s really not that bad.” You say, using his own words against him. “Plus Kurt and Blaine and Artie will be there, and Brittany…she’ll make Santana be nice to you. They said they were doing something for us.”

He narrows his eyes at you, but cracks a smile. “So Santana and my ex-girlfriend? That’s how you’re going to convince me to go?”

You give him your best pouty face, even making your chin quiver a little. “Please? I just want us all to be together.”

His eyes widen. “Oh God you’re not going to cry are you? Please don’t cry! I’ll come! I’ll come!”

“Ha! I knew I’d get you.” You laugh. 

You grin at him and walk back to your room and start going through clothes, throwing things onto your bed behind you. 

“When are we…what are you doing?” He gives you a funny look as he leans his head on the doorframe.

“I’m picking out an outfit.”

He chuckles. “You’re such a girl.”

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, glad it only took you four years to notice.”

Sam grins, obviously remembering the last time you said that before the secret lock-in you, him and Blaine had before Nationals. 

“Wanna make out again?” He jokes, wiggling his eyebrows at you suggestively. 

“You wish.” You say throwing a shirt at him. He tosses it back and chuckles on his way out of your room. 

You shut the door behind him and pick up a dress that you had tossed onto your bed. It’s a red, white, blue and black color block dress, your favorite. You sit at your vanity that doubles as a desk and plug in your curling iron. 

After touching up your hair and makeup, you change and leave your room. You spot Sam sitting at the table in a dark grey v-neck that clings to his muscular chest and dark jeans. 

He looks up at you, then looks you up and down. “Ready?”

 

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing like the poison I fed you guys junior year during alcohol awareness week, of all weeks.” Rachel says as she hands you a glass of red liquid. It smells fruity and slightly like rum. You laugh at the fond yet disgusting memory of Brittany throwing up on stage. 

“Wasn’t that when you and Blaine had a thing?” You smirk at the two divas, who almost looked like they could be siblings. 

“Oh Tina, like you’re one to talk about having a thing for Blaine.” Artie chimes in raising a hand in the air. You feel your face getting hot as everyone laughs. You grin. 

“Whatever you guys. It was brief and I was heartbroken!”

“Everyone in this room has kissed someone else in this room at least once, so no one really has any room to talk.” Blaine says matter-of-factly. You all pause and glance around at the other seven people who are all sitting around Rachel and Santana’s living room.

It’s true. 

“I think I win.” Sam says smugly. “I’ve kissed three of you.”

“No, I’ve got four.” You say. 

“Nope! I win!” Brittany cheers from the floor where she’s sitting between Santana’s legs. “Five! You two, Santana, Artie, and Kurt.”

You all bust out laughing at the thought of Brittany and Kurt making out. 

“I completely forgot about that!” Santana rolls back on the couch laughing. “You kissed the Pretty Pony!”

“She was just a beard! Sorry Britt, but you were.” Kurt turns red and tries to defend himself. Blaine grins and tugs on his hand. 

“Wait, Sam, who else have you kissed? Me and Santana and…” Brittany wrinkles her forehead in confusion.

“Tina.” He glances at you before laughing softly. “Blaine caught us making out at our ‘senior lock-in.’”

“It was disgusting.” Blaine says, scrunching his face up. 

“Oh she’s not that bad of a kisser!” Brittany says, winking at you.

“It was not disgusting, Blaine. You just don’t like kissing girls.” Sam laughs and rolls his eyes at his best friend. You make a smug face and stick your tongue at Blaine. You actually think that Blaine was a little jealous at the time since not long before that he had had a pretty major crush on those pouty lips. 

“Speaking of McKinley, Artie, how is Kitty?” You look over your ex-boyfriend, changing the subject. “I haven’t talked to her since I got here.”

He shrugs. “She’s okay. We’re okay. Being so far away sucks though. And she’s pretty bummed about not having Glee club everyday.”

“Are they doing anything now? Like even just a non-official club?” Rachel asks him. 

“No. I think a couple of them wanted to, but they don’t have enough people and there’s no way to actually compete even if they did.”

“That’s really sad.” Blaine says and looks from you to Sam. “Kitty, Marley, Unique, Jake and Ryder were all so talented. I hate that they can’t do it anymore.”

“Well Kitty has the Cheerios and Marley is still writing songs. I don’t know about the other three.” Artie shrugs. You make a mental note to text Kitty tomorrow to check in. 

“Well, on a lighter note,” Sam says looking at Kurt and Rachel, “you’ll be happy to know that Tina and I had our first ‘impromptu performance’ the other day at the apartment.” He holds a hand up to make air quotes, undoubtedly quoting Rachel.

Rachel claps her hands excitedly. “Your apartment has been christened in unofficial Glee club tradition! What song?”

“Our Nationals song.” You smile at Sam. “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.”

Rachel beams at you. “Finn’s favorite. And also the perfect Segway into our surprise.”

She nods at Brittany who stands and walks to Rachel’s bedroom and then re-emerges with four DVD cases and hands one to you, Sam, Blaine and Artie. 

“What are these?” Sam looks to the two girls.

“Well, remember when we all won Nationals, my dads bought the DVD that they sell and remade it so that it was just our set and they threw in some extra stuff. I made copies for everyone. I love watching it; it’s a great memory.” She pauses and looks at all of you. You remember watching the DVD with Mike before your breakup. “Even though you didn’t win, you still gave an amazing performance, so we thought we would make them of your Nationals performance for all of you.”

Santana stands and grabs your DVD out of your hands and pops it into the DVD player. 

“This performance…when I saw it, meant so much to me. Mr. Schue told me later what he told you Sam, about being a leader, and how you really transformed. He told me about his choice for the set list…and the drumsticks.” She sighs shakily. “It was all for Finn. And that made you winners in my heart.” She puts a hand over her chest and swallows hard.

Santana presses play and you see the stage appear on the screen. Boston’s More Than a Feeling starts to play. You and Blaine both start singing. He reaches over and squeezes your hand and grins at you. 

“Tina, I’ve told Blaine this a million times already, but you were amazing in this song. Definitely the perfect female lead.” Rachel offers you a smile, which you return. _Okay, the diva is not that bad._

You watch as the next song starts and look to Artie. His face lights up when Kitty takes the stage with Sam and then himself. You grin. You’re so glad Artie finally found someone so perfect for him. You hope they last. The older Glee club alumni compliment all of you on your performances.

Finally, your favorite comes on: I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For. You grin at Sam’s dance moves and how he looks to Mr. Schue before starting to sing. He moves around the stage and then a clip of Finn walking through the halls at McKinley fills the screen. Your breath hitches. You glance at Sam. He has a fist over his mouth and his eyes are watering. 

The screen flickers back to Sam and Blaine singing together and you feel tears spill over your lashes. Clips of Finn and Artie, Finn and Blaine, and then Finn and yourself all flicker into the performance. Finally, a clip of Sam and Finn hugging after the Glee club finding out that Sam was living in a motel plays over the song. You glance at Sam again. Tears stream down his face. This was his song, his leadership, and his memorial to Finn. Then the song ends with Sam holding up Finn’s drumsticks. 

You exhale sharply as tears continue to roll down your face. You glance around to see red, teary eyes in every direction. Brittany is laying her head on Santana’s shoulder and Blaine squeezes Kurt’s hand. Rachel had leaned over to grab Artie’s hand. You reach down to where Sam is sitting on the floor in front of the couch and gently place a hand on his shoulder. He grabs it with his own. 

“Thank you.” He chokes out and glances up at a teary Rachel. She nods. 

“You guys should have won. It was perfect.” She says sincerely, through her tears. 

“It wasn’t quite the same without all of you guys, and Mike, Puck, Quinn, and Mercedes, and Finn.” Blaine chimes in. 

“How did you…?” You ask, gesturing towards the TV.

“I autographed a copy of the Funny Girl Playbill and sent it to Jacob Ben Isreal in exchange for random footage of Finn and all of us that he had. He might be creepy, but he’s kind of useful.” Rachel laughs softly. 

Sam still doesn’t let go of your hand, but instead takes a huge gulp of Rachel’s special juice using his other hand. 

Everyone is quiet for a few minutes before Santana speaks. “Who needs a refill? Finn would have wanted us to have a good time, am I right?”

You smile up at her. Kurt follows her to the kitchen to bring back more alcohol. After everyone is topped off you all sit back and reminisce about high school, mainly Finn and Glee club.

An hour later you’re all arguing over your favorite performances. “Valerie was hands down the best performance and the second time around in the choir room was even better.” Santana yells over Rachel who throws her hands up, smiling at Brittany. 

“Time of my Life!” Sam yells over the ever-feuding Broadway stars. You snicker. You secretly hated that one. 

“Don’t Rain on My Parade was the best solo.” Rachel says with a huff.

“Rach, first, you sing that every night so I have no idea how you’re not sick of it. And second, Schuester never gave anyone else a solo in a competition.” Kurt sneers at the girl. 

“I don’t know that song.” Sam whispers up at you, shaking his head and grinning.

“Not true, Santana and Tina got solos. And I could never get sick of such an amazing song. Even though only I can do Barbra’s masterpiece any justice.” 

“Oh you did not just say that Troll!” Santana tries to jump off the couch towards the tiny Jewish girl, but Brittany restrains her. 

“You and I! We both can. Sorry.” Rachel shrieks and throws her hands up defensively. 

“I don’t know. I think Sectionals my junior year was the best.” You say smirking at Rachel. 

“I wasn’t even allowed to perform in those!” She whines. Brittany laughs. 

“Troubletones for life!” The blonde girl bounces up and down on the couch with her first in the air.

“But that’s when I came back.” Sam grins. “Which is obviously why Tina thinks they were so good.” 

You grin and roll your eyes at the blond boy. 

“Okay, can we all just agree that Paradise by the Dashboard Light was the best? I mean, it actually won Nationals.” Blaine says finally, always the voice of reason. 

“Preach.” Artie waves a gloved hand. You giggle.

Kurt leans into him and smiles. Rachel huffs. “I was exceptionally good in that song.”

You all laugh at the diva, who had clearly not changed as much as Santana said she had. 

“Okay guys, I hate to do this, but Santana and I have a photo shoot in the morning, so we’re all going to turn in.” Rachel drops the diva act and gives you all apologetic looks since it’s only 11. “Tina, Sam, Artie, Blaine, I’m really proud of all of you. You deserved that first place trophy. I’m pretty sure that that was actually the best performance.”

“Okay, okay, no more tears for the night!” Santana jumps up and pulls Brittany up behind her. “Rachel, I hate you for scheduling these things so early.”

You stand with Sam and rest of the boys and make your way to the door. 

“Praise God for elevators.” Artie says as you all get in the one outside of the girls’ apartment door. 

 

Back at your own apartment you change into navy and orange FIT sweats and meet a shirtless Sam in the living room. 

“Nice abs, show off.” You raise your eyebrows at his topless torso. “What lightweights. It’s only 11:30, on a Saturday night. Want a shot?” You ask him with a smirk as you pull your bottle of tequila out of the fridge. 

“Hell yeeeeah, maybe mixed with something though.” He laughs. “I hate shots.”

You grab the carton of orange juice from the fridge, shaking your head. “You can try this, but tequila is meant for shots or margaritas, Sammy.” 

He makes a face at you. “I think I’ll take my chances. _Red solo cup! I fill you up! Let’s have a partaaaay, let’s have a partaaaay._ ”

You both mix drinks, then you plop down on the couch. Sam joins you with his drink in one hand and his comforter in the other. He lays it across both of you where your feet meet in the middle. 

“‘Whatcha doin’ with your feet?’…‘They’re happy, too!’” Sam’s voice changes from deep to very high as he does an impression of Happy Feet and tickles you with his toes under the blanket. You laugh and immediately search for Happy Feet on Netflix and hit play. 

You both sip your drinks and sing along to the songs through the first half of the movie, but by the second half you’re nearly asleep. 

 

_You watch as you slam into the nightstand, cutting your shoulder. He pushes you down and pushes himself between your legs. You see him hovering over you. From above, you can’t see his face, but you can see the knife in his back pocket. You watch as he pulls it out threatening you. If you scream he’ll hurt you._

“Tina!” Sam shakes you awake. You hear yourself scream. 

You feel your heart beating through your chest. You take shallow, shaky breaths and try to collect yourself. 

“Tina, hey, it’s okay.” Sam says softly and wraps his arms around you. He keeps whispering to you and strokes your hair. 

You lean into him and try hard not to cry. Slowly, he lies back down, pulling you down with him. His strong arms don’t feel threatening, like the man’s from your nightmare. They feel warm and safe. He pulls closer so that you’re half-laying on top of him with your head on his chest. You can hear the steady rhythm of his heart beating and you feel yours slow to keep time with his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I fell in love with the episode City of Angels, so I knew I had to include what they did for us in the episode for the characters. I loved the idea of giving them the same visual that Glee gave us of Finn. 
> 
>  
> 
> Song credits: 
> 
> I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For - U2/Glee Cast
> 
>  
> 
> Mentioned Songs:
> 
> More Than a Feeling - Boston/Glee Cast  
> Valerie - The Zutons/Glee Cast  
> (I've Had) The Time of my Life - Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes/Glee Cast  
> Don't Rain on my Parade - Funny Girl Cast/Glee Cast  
> Paradise by the Dashboard Light - Meat Loaf/Glee Cast  
> Red Solo Cup - Toby Keith/Glee Cast


	3. Pumpin' Blood

**Sunday, August 25, 2013**

Some days are good and some are bad. Today is bad.

You wake the next morning feeling slightly sticky from sweat. Your eyes flutter open to see Sam Evans’ pouty lips inches from your face. You slowly piece together the events from the night before. You stomach lurches, not from the alcohol, but the sickening reality of your nightmare. You remember Sam waking you up and then falling asleep in his arms. That’s the closest you’ve been to someone since before and it’s both scary and comforting. 

You realize that there is no way to get up without waking Sam up, so you slowly start to move and wait for him to stir. 

He inhales loudly and starts to stretch, but freezes when he opens his eyes. His eyebrows furrow then realization of the night before washes over his face. 

“Hey.” He says. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry I woke you again…”

He shakes his head. “It’s okay. Was it the same nightmare? You just kept screaming ‘No, stop!’”

You swallow hard and shake your head a little, sitting up and moving away from him to give him room to sit up too. “It’s just this weird recurring nightmare. I dunno…”

“Well, if you want to talk about it…” He trails off. 

You just nod. “I’m going to shower.”

You remember to grab your clothes this time before heading to the bathroom. You’re angry with yourself for waking him up, but even more so, you’re scared that you’re going to say something and he’s going to start asking questions. He isn’t completely clueless. It’s been a whole year and you do not want to relive it now. Even though you’ve been reliving it in your nightmares for the whole year. You gingerly run your fingers over the faint scar on your shoulder. 

You’ve done just fine on your own for a year and you definitely don’t need anyone prying into your life now. _Just fine, yeah right._ You think to yourself. You haven’t been just fine and you know it. You turned into a completely different person than you had been the whole year before when you were with Mike. Everyone thought the break-up had been the cause of your attitude change, but really you fighting to keep yourself together and being a bitch became your best defense. Granted, by the end of the year, you had softened a little. You won prom queen, mourned Finn, and snagged the female lead at Nationals. You thought you were getting over it…moving on. But with all of the recent changes, you feel out of control again. Sure, you can put on a happy face with your friends, but how long before Sam sees through it? After all, he sees you more than anyone else.

You can’t talk about it. You’ve never even said it out loud. _You were raped._ The words bounced around in your head. You scrubbed every inch of your skin to wash the words away but they wouldn’t disappear. 

 

You avoid Sam for most of the day and even agree to meet Brittany for lunch since Santana and Rachel are still at their photo shoot. 

“Hey!” She smiles at you as you walk up to a sandwich shop close to Santana’s apartment. She wraps her long arms around you and squeezes you in a bear hug. 

“Hey Britt.” You giggle, returning the hug. 

You follow the tall dancer inside and order a turkey club and sit down at a table near the window. 

You’re halfway through your sandwich when you feel Brittany’s eyes on you. You look up to find her studying you closely. 

“You’re quiet.” She states simply, however, not accusatory. 

You shrug. “Just tired from last night.”

She nods. “It’s more than just that.”

You freeze. You forgot that ditzy girl is so perceptive especially when it comes to other people’s body language. You sit up a little straighter and try to think of something to tell her. 

“I’m just a little overwhelmed by everything. Moving to New York has been insane and now going to school…it’s just takes a toll I guess.” You shrug. 

She tilts her head to the side thoughtfully. “I know what you mean. Moving to New Jersey was rough. I didn’t know anyone there, so I had no one to live with, and no one to talk to for the first few days…luckily I made friends pretty easily.”

“How did you and Santana end up back together?” You ask, trying to keep her focus away from you.

“Well after classes ended in the spring, I only had one class over the summer on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I had all of this free time. I realized how close I was to New York so I called her up one day and asked if I could visit. We kind of picked up right where we left off, I guess…after I did this whole thing with lesbian flowers and songbirds. I felt bad because she kind of ditched Dani for me, but that’s what soul mates do.” She smiles at you. 

You smile back, even though you had no idea what she means by lesbian flowers. You thoughts travel to your hot ex-boyfriend, whom you once thought was your soul mate. 

As if she could read your mind, she asked, “Why don’t you ever talk to Mike?”

“How do you know I don’t?” You furrow your brow. 

“Because I Skype him all the time about dance stuff and we talk about you and Santana and the rest of the Glee club.” She shrugs, popping a French fry into her mouth. 

“What does he say about me?” You ask. You’re curious to know he still thinks about you the way you sometimes think about him. A few months after your breakup you had tried being friendly with Mike, but it ended up hurting too much, so you ended it. But now that you’ve mostly moved on, you wonder what he thinks of you. _Probably that you’re a bitch after the way you treated him._ You think, recalling how you screamed at him for trying to break up with you. He didn’t know what had really happened though. 

“I think he misses talking to you. He always gets a sad look on his face when he mentions your name. You were important to each other for a long time.” Her blue eyes wide and sincere. 

You sigh. “I miss him too, but he’s so far away. I don’t think it could ever work again unless we were in the same place…and our breakup was messy.”

“Why don’t you talk to him?”

“Britt, it’s just messy. I don’t want to complicate his life. There was a lot more to it than him just leaving, which is part of the reason why I partied with you and Santana a lot that summer.”

“What else was it?” She gently pushes for answers.

“Can we please talk about something else?” You snap at her. Her eyes get big and she nods. “Sorry.” You mumble. 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me anything, but I hope you do tell someone what’s really bothering you.” She offers you a small smile and stands to lead you out of the sandwich shop.

You sigh as you follow her out and go your separate ways after another tight bear hug from the blonde dancer. Brittany is probably right. You’ve always thought about what it would be like to tell someone. You assume they would judge you for drinking at a party where you hardly knew anyone and letting some guy push you into a bedroom. You figured they’d blame you. Or worse. They would give you that look, that one you give a stray puppy that was abused by its previous owner. The sad, sympathetic look that says ‘you’re so broken and I wish I could fix you.’ 

 

**Wednesday, August 28, 2013**

Wednesday afternoon after your class and a quick lunch with Santana, you sit at the table pouring over your sketchbook for an assignment due Friday in your Flat Design class. You have your favorite dance remix of NONONO’s Pumpin’ Blood blaring from the speakers in the living room so you don’t hear when Sam comes in. 

You jump a foot in the air when you feel his hands cover your eyes. 

“What the fuck!” You shriek. 

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you.” He says after turning the volume down on the speakers. “Nice song choice. Not what I would have expected from you.”

“It makes me feel…alive.” You say simply, shutting your eyes. You feel alive now though. Your heart is pounding. You do not like it when people sneak up on you, especially from behind. You can almost feel _his_ hands around you. Your skin prickles, not that Sam is anything like him. 

You open your eyes and try to steady your breathing; he raises an eyebrow and smirks at you ever so slightly. He pulls the chair across the table from you out and sits down in it backwards, straddling the back. 

“You’ve been avoiding me.” He continues to stare at you. 

“I haven’t been—” You start to protest, but he cuts you off. 

“You’ve been avoiding me.” He repeats himself and waits as you shut your eyes again, getting away from the piercing green eyes.

You have been avoiding him. You’ve woken him up twice now. It’s embarrassing and even worse, he’s going to ask questions. You’ve managed to stay out of the apartment until late Monday and Tuesday night and slipping in the apartment and retreating to your room. He’s finally caught you. 

“I just…I feel bad for waking you up again. It’s a weird nightmare that I keep having and I don’t want to talk about it…and it was kind of weird waking up on top of you. A half-naked you.” Throwing his abs in for an extra touch. “I mean, don’t get me wrong I appreciate your abs…but…it was kind of a compromising position.”

He smirks a little and looks down at his hands on the table. “Yeah I guess it kind of was a little weird.” You make a face at him. “Not weird in a bad way! Just weird. I mean you’re like my best friend.”

You grin at him. “We should probably refrain from sleeping on top of each other from now on.”

He grins that way only he does where his cheeks make his eyes crinkle at the corners. “You’re probably right. Just stop avoiding me. It gets lonely here when you’re not around…speaking of, I’ve been wanting to ask you something.”

You tilt your head and raise an eyebrow. 

“So, when I was a kid I had this dog, Maggie. She was kind of old when I was born but I grew up with her. She died a couple years before Stevie was born…” He rambles on. You know exactly where this is going.

“Sam, if you’re asking me if it’s okay that you get a dog, then yes, it’s okay with me.”

“Really?!” His face lights up. 

You grin and nod at him. He jumps up and wraps his arms around you from behind. This time you welcome it. 

 

An hour later you’re with Sam at the NYC AC&C center looking at the most adorable dogs you’ve ever seen. You coo at every other furry friend and Sam nearly has tears in his eyes and a huge grin on his face. 

“I never knew you liked dogs so much.” You smile at him. 

“They’re like God’s gift to mankind. A dog is the best friend you could ever ask for. They’re loyal and love you no matter what. They’re like…like I don’t know…perfect!”

You grin. Sam kind of reminds you of a puppy sometimes. He gets really excited about things so much so that he wiggles and shakes a little and at the same time he’s one of the sweetest and caring friends that you have. 

You follow Sam through the animal shelter taking in all of the cuteness wondering how in the world he’s going to be able to pick one. Finally, he stops in front of a cage holding the cutest dog you’ve ever seen. The top of its head barely reaches Sam’s knee and it’s long tail is wagging excitedly. Sam asks one of the workers to see the dog. 

“This little guy, boy, is a mutt. He’s definitely got some Golden Retriever in him because of his coloring and possibly some Collie, but he’s small. He probably won’t get to be more than 40 to 50 pounds, not much bigger than he is now. He’s about 9 months old and he’s up to date on all of his shots and he’s been neutered. As long as you walk him regularly, he’ll be a great apartment dog. He’s pretty calm but loves to play too. He’s extremely well behaved.”

Sam sits on the floor of the shelter in front of the cage as she opens the door. The dog slowly sniffs at Sam’s leg before jumping right into his lap and tries to lick his face. Sam breaks into a broad grin and scratches the dog behind his ears. 

“Hey buddy! You’re so cute, yes you are.” He turns his bright green eyes up to you with a smile that won’t leave his face. “What do you think?”

You reach down to let the dog sniff your hand. He immediately starts to lick it and you giggle. “He’s perfect.”

Sam talks some more with the shelter worker so you take over sitting with your new friend. “Hi buddy. I hope you like to cuddle on the couch and watch TV. That’s pretty much all there is to do at your new home.”

You scratch the dog behind the ears and he lays his head in your lap. He is a really sweet dog. It’s almost as if he can sense how you’re feeling and he’s trying everything in his power to make you happy, not that you’re entirely unhappy now, you just haven’t been really happy for a long time. 

You stand as Sam approaches again. “Ready?” You nod. 

You walk out of the shelter together with Sam’s new dog on his leash. Like the worker said, he’s extremely well behaved and walks right next to Sam on his leash with no problem. 

“Are you cool with walking back? I know it’s a long walk, but I don’t know think we can take him on the subway.” He asks you.

“It’s fine! Plus, we’ll need to stop somewhere and get food for him and one of us will have to wait with him outside.”

You start your trek back to the apartment, stopping at the grocery store closest to your building to get dog food. Sam goes in because he insists on getting the best and healthiest for him. 

Finally, when you get back to the apartment you’re pouring sweat. New York summers are no joke. 

“What are you going to name the little guy?” You ask Sam. 

“I don’t know. I was thinking Dean, like from Supernatural so we could be Sam and Dean, or Titan, because of McKinley.”

You chuckle at his choices. “As awesome as Sam and Dean would be, I really like Titan. Plus, it’s like a little of Ohio here. Even though he’s a New York native.”

“Yeah and I’m from Tennessee…but I know what you mean. Titan it is then.” His eyes crinkle with a smile. He tries out Titan’s new name in hopes of teaching it to him. 

This is going to be fun. 

 

**Friday, September 6, 2013**

You first week with Titan proved to be a little harder than you had imagined it. He barked more than you thought he would, but luckily the neighbors only complained once. Sam was already training him to not bark when he left and fortunately he had only gotten ahold of one pair of your underwear. 

_“Titan, what are you chewing— Oh, shit.” Sam started laughing. “Tina! I think Titan found something of yours.”_

_You left your room to find the dog with a mouthful of pink underwear._

_“At least they were clean, but those were expensive! They were Victoria’s Secret.” You pouted._

_“I’ll get you another pair!” Sam struggled to tell you through a fit of giggles. You raised your eyebrows at him. “Or I’ll just pay you back.” He grinned even wider._

Luckily, you hadn’t woken Sam up with any nightmares again, even though you had had another one. Fortunately, this time you woke up without screaming, so you just turned on your usual music and tried to sleep again. Sam also hadn’t brought up the nightmares anymore and you were, as usual, grateful for that. 

Now you’re waiting for Sam to get off work. You promised to spend the evening with him and Titan and a bottle of vodka Santana had gotten you earlier in the week. Rachel pulled some strings and got Sam a job at the Spotlight Diner, the diner where Kurt still works. She and Santana had quit because they’re both juggling Funny Girl and college. He’s only working about 15 hours a week, but his parents made him get a job to keep food in Titan’s bowl and on his own plate. You know they help him out with rent and he has a scholarship for school, but living in New York is expensive and they can’t pay for everything. 

You flip through channels and idly stroke Titan’s belly where he’s sprawled out next to you on the couch. You stop on E! News and happen to catch the words ‘young Broadway newcomer, Rachel Berry’ before they move on to a new story. It’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever heard. Rachel is still the same old girl to you. The girl who can’t dress herself, can’t contain her diva attitude, and can’t reach the top of the fridge. It’s weird that you know someone who’s nearly a celebrity, and there’s Mercedes too. Last you heard, she was finalizing her album and it was going to drop soon. 

You’re pulled from your thoughts as Titan jumps up and over you to greet Sam as he walks in the door. 

“Hey buddy! Did you miss me? Did mean ol’ Aunt Tina keep you company?” He coos at the dog, his voice obnoxiously high pitched. 

You throw a pillow his way and he laughs. You hop off the couch and start pulling out the vodka and various mixers. You grab one of Sam’s precious Solo cups and start mixing drinks for both of you. You hear Titan’s claws tap against the hard wood floor as he leads Sam into the kitchen. He rounds the corner already changed into basketball shorts and a t-shirt that reads McKinley High School Baseball. 

“You look comfy.” You hand him a cup. “Here, try this.”

He takes a sip and makes a face. “You’re trying to get me drunk!”

You laugh. “Wuss! It’s not that strong.” You take a gulp and recoil from the alcohol taste. “Yeah, okay maybe it’s a little strong.”

You pour more juice into both cups and join the boys on the couch. He flips through channels and stops on a movie channel playing Forrest Gump. You groan. 

“Is there anything else on?” You whine. 

“‘You have to do the best with what God gave you.’” He says quoting the movie and grinning at you. But then all of a sudden the TV goes fuzzy. 

“Weird. The cable must be out.” You say, pulling out your phone. “The Internet is out too.”

“‘Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.’” He says with a grin, doing his best Forest Gump impression. 

You laugh and take another gulp of your drink. “Now what are we going to do?”

“Well, I’m going to walk Titan real quick and then we can figure something out.” He stands handing you his empty cup. “Or we could just drink.”

“Drinking sounds wonderful.” You say, standing and moving to the kitchen to refill both cups. You plug your iPod into the speakers and turn on some music since there’s no background noise from the TV. 

You sit back down and scroll through your phone looking at your Instagram feed. @themostunicorn aka Brittany posted a new picture with @Snixxx on Rutger’s campus from last weekend when Santana was there. You see a picture @kittycatmeow posted of @artieabrams yesterday for a #tbt, throwback Thursday, with the caption ‘missing this guy too much.’ You smile. The last time you talked to Kitty, which was just a few texts last week, she said that school was boring but that she, Marley, and Unique and a couple of other people had started their own ‘Glee’ club again. They wouldn’t be able to compete, but they could still sing. You keep scrolling to see a picture @blaine_warbler posted from earlier today with Kurt and Sam on either side of him in their Spotlight Diner uniforms with the caption ‘my boys.’ You smile to yourself as you look at the picture of your best friends. You love that Sam never had any reservations about being Blaine’s friend just because he was gay. It never even bothered Sam when Blaine developed a little crush on him. 

And speaking of, Sam walks back in, letting Titan on his leash and kicks off his shoes. He grabs his cup and chugs it. 

“Woo! Let’s get this party started!” He goes to the kitchen to pour himself yet another drink. _That makes 3._ You think to yourself. 

He flops down next to you and looks at you expectantly. You shrug. “I don’t know what to do. If we had people over we could play those stupid games like we all loved in high school like Spin the Bottle, 20 Questions, 10 Fingers, or Truth or Dare.” 

You chuckle remembering the first time you and Sam had played Spin the Bottle with the Glee club. He spent most of the time night making out with Santana only pausing kiss Brittany when the bottle landed on him. The game hadn’t lasted long before Rachel decided to sing. 

You giggle thinking about it. Sam raises his eyebrows at you. “Nothing, I was just thinking about our first party with the whole Glee club and playing Spin the Bottle.”

He laughs. “Too bad that game hadn’t lasted longer. There could have been some really funny kisses, even though pretty much everyone in the Glee club kissed everyone else at some point.”

“Well I’m going to say that game is out. Not really a game you can play with two people.”

“Technically we could.” He winks at you. “But we _can_ play Truth or Dare though.” He says with a smirk, wiggling his eyebrows at you. 

“Okay, let’s do it. I dare you to kiss Titan on the mouth!” You laugh. As much as he loves that dog, he refuses to kiss him on the mouth. He’s a bit of a germaphobe. 

“Ugh! He licks his butt with that mouth.” He makes a face. 

“I don’t care! A dare’s a dare.” You giggle as he pulls the dog over to him and puckers his full lips. 

Titan immediately figures out what’s happening and licks all over Sam’s face. You roll back on the couch laughing. 

“Ahhh! Titan!” He laughs but jumps up and washes his face in the kitchen sink. 

“Ugh. I’ll get you back for that Tina Cohen-Chang.” He says sitting back down. You take another gulp of your drink. It’s almost gone. 

“Okay, truth for you. For now.” He says. “Who was your first kiss?”

“Artie!” You say with a smile. 

“Really? Didn’t you date him freshman year?”

“Yeah. I faked a stutter before that. There weren’t many people who wanted to kiss me.” You say laughing and hopping up to refill your drink. _Three for me._ You always keep count of your drinks, especially since what happened summer before last. 

“Okay, another truth for you. Who did you lose your virginity to?” You ask, looking up at him slowly, with a small smile on your face. You’re not sure if that’s pushing it too far. 

“Ah she probably does not want me saying this, so you have to keep your mouth shut…Mercedes.” He says seriously. 

You mouth falls open. You had no idea they had slept together. Mercedes is very private about her love life, always has been. 

“That’s why you were so attached to her.” You nod slowly as the realization hits you. 

He nods and smiles. “She was my first love. Of course, I was attached. Probably just as much as I’ll be when I find my second love.”

“Aw Sammy, I remember when she sang that song for you in the choir room. The Whitney song.”

He blushes and bites his oversized bottom lip. “Not exactly my manliest moment.” He chuckles. 

“Second love seems like a weird concept.” You raise your eyebrows. 

“Not really. First is worst, second is best. The first time around you get your heart broken because you loved so much but it just wasn’t right. The second time you know what you want and it’s great.” He says sincerely. His somewhat childlike logic is endearing, but there’s a far amount of truth to it too.

“So Britt wasn’t your second love?” You ask.

He shakes his head. “No, she wasn’t right. I mean, I loved her, still do, you know like she’s my sister or something. But we weren’t in love.” _Crayon Twins,_ you think to yourself. You and Blaine had given the two of the endearing nickname simply because of their slightly childish mannerisms and happy-go-lucky attitudes. You never meant for it to be a mean nickname though.

“I guess I’ll have to find my second love too.” You say with a smile. You’re not sure you’re quite ready for that though. You still think about your first love from time to time. 

You both sit in silence for a minute before he cracks a smile.

“Hmm, not fair, I already know you lost it to Mike. Um…dare. I dare you to dance in your underwear!” He says, his grin growing wider, knowing he’s getting you back for the doggy germs. 

You mouth falls open again and you feign offense. “You dance in _your_ underwear!” 

He laughs and jumps up. “Done!”

He starts making an ‘unst’ sound over and over again slowly peeling off his shirt and rolling his torso in what you remember to be called a ‘body roll.’ He hooks his thumbs in the waistband of his shorts and slides them down revealing black boxer briefs. He continues thrusting his hips and turns around to wiggle his butt in your face. 

“Oh if only I had a dollar.” You tease him. 

“White Chocolate’s still got it!” He shimmies a little. “Your turn.”

“This music won’t work.” You say tossing your head towards the speakers, where a slow song plays from your iPod, stalling for time. “And I am not doing a strip tease.”

“I got you covered.” He bounds toward his room with Titan at his feet and returns with his guitar. He turns the music from your iPod off and starts strumming a familiar tune. 

_1, 2, 3, 4!_  
 _Well, she was just seventeen,_  
 _You know what I mean,_  
 _The way she looked was way beyond compare._

_So how could I dance with another, whooh_  
 _When I saw her standin’ there?_

You take a huge gulp of your drink. Ignoring the voice in your head telling you that this is a bad idea, you slip your shorts off and jump up, but keep your shirt on. You start shaking your butt and dancing circles around him as he strums and sings. 

_Whoa, we danced through the night,_  
 _And we held each other tight,_  
 _And before too long I fell in love with her._  
 _Now I'll never dance with another, whooh!_  
 _Since I saw her standing there, Awwww!_

You laugh as he squeals loudly. He keeps singing but stops strumming and puts his guitar down and grabs both of your hands. He swings them wildly and twirls you around the room. You both dance sloppily, you a little more than him, because of the alcohol. You giggle and grin as he pulls you spins you around a few more times with Titan jumping at your feet before finally he gets to the end of the song. You turn the music back on so you’re not sitting in silence before you both collapse on the couch in a fit of giggles. You raise your cup to his and you both down the last of your third drinks. 

“Nice undies.” He grins at you, his eyes flickering down your bare legs. He pulls a pillow to his bare chest. 

“Nice song choice.” You grin back. 

“Thanks for picking me as your prom date. It was one of the first times someone had actually picked me over someone else. Even though then you dumped me and didn’t go to prom with me…” He smiles and rolls his eyes at you. 

You laugh. “Sorry about that…truth, what happened with you and all of your past girlfriends? You’re really unlucky in love.”

He exhales. “Well, Quinn cheated on me with Finn and Santana was just using me as a beard until she used Karofsky as a beard…then Mercedes and I broke up before I moved to Kentucky and then she broke up with me again after prom because she was moving to LA, like you and Mike. Obviously, Brittany left me to go to school and for Santana, I’m pretty sure. And Penny and I never actually dated…just hooked up a couple of times after the Katy vs. Gaga week in Glee club. I guess I was always just second best…I definitely was with Mercedes. We had a thing, then I left and came back and she chose Shane over me and then LA over me, which was mostly because I posted that video of her…and obviously she was following her dream…” He rambles.

You nod. You pretty much knew all of that already, except for Penny. “I guess we’ve both been unlucky…in different ways. So how many of them did you sleep with?” You pry a little more, the alcohol making you abandon all reservations about digging into his personal life. 

“Three. Mercedes, Brittany, and Penny.” He says. “Truth, I heard a rumor that you’ve made out with Brittany and Santana in the same night. What is that about?”

You laugh loudly. “Well, after Mike and I broke up I partied a lot with Santana and Brittany and one night I ended up making out with both of them. I don’t even remember how it happened, I was so drunk.” 

“Well, then we have that in common!” He laughs bringing up that first Spin the Bottle game in Rachel’s basement again. 

“Dare! I dare you to run outside and wave to me from the street.” You give him a devious grin, flicking your eyes down his half-naked body, and move to the window. 

“Done!” He jumps up and runs to the door. He cracks it open and slips out so that Titan can’t follow him. Titan joins you by the window that you’ve just opened. You watch as you see Sam run into the mostly empty street. 

“Tina! Hey!” He grins and waves up at you. A woman down the block looks up at him and makes a face. You burst into a fit of giggles as you watch him do a couple of jumping jacks before sprinting back inside and up the stairs. Titan meets him at the door. 

You both laugh and land on the couch yet again. Finally after your laughter dies down, he studies you for a second. 

“What?” You ask narrowing your eyes, but keeping a smile on your face. 

“I dare you…” He pauses and a mischievous smile plays on his lips. “To kiss me again.”

You feel a familiar tingling below your belly button. You can feel how drunk you are and your brain is screaming no at you, but you ignore it. You watch as his face transforms with a nervous look. He opens his mouth to say something else, but you lean in and press your lips to his before he can get anything out. Your lips dance slowly together, before you pull away and look at him. His eyes rake over your face. You bite your lip before leaning in again and kissing him harder.

His hands find your cheeks and he pulls you down on top of him so that you’re both lying down. You’re pressed against his muscular chest and you feel one of his hands tangle in your hair. His other hand finds your side and pulls you into him. Your own hands find their way to his chest and arms. You feel him tilt his hips into yours. You rake your fingernails down his abs lightly and his breath catches. He deepens the kiss and starts to pull on your shirt. You move away from him slightly to allow your shirt to be lifted over your head. You’re thankful you kept your bra on so you weren’t completely exposed yet. 

You feel yourself tense up as he slides his hands back up your spine and he feels it too. He pulls away. 

“Is this okay? Do you want to stop?” He looks at you seriously. You shake your head no. You’re not sure what you’re saying no to. He leans up to capture your lips again when you feel tears forming in your eyes. You sniffle and his eyes shoot open. 

He sits up quickly pulling you up too. “Hey…hey, what’s wrong?” He brushes your hair out of your face. 

You wipe your eyes, but you continue to cry. You’re sure it’s mostly because you’re drunk, but you know why this is upsetting you and you decide to tell him. 

“This is the first time someone has asked me if it was okay…if I wanted to stop, I mean other than Mike…” You whisper. 

He furrows his eyebrows and purses his lips. “What do you mean?”

“…I…I was raped.” You choke out before pulling your knees up to your chest and burying your face in your arms. Your drunken self is overwhelmed with emotions. You feel pain, anger, relief, fear…all of it at once. You’ve never told anyone and here you are, nearly naked with your roommate, telling him. You take a minute to compose yourself before peeking back up at him. 

He’s studying you, his jaw set. “That’s why you have the nightmares.”

You nod slowly. 

“Who? I swear to God, I’ll…I’ll fucking kill him.” He clenches his jaw tighter. Your eyes glaze over with tears again. 

“I don’t even know his name…” You whisper. 

“Before senior year…partying…?” He starts putting two and two together and you watch as realization washes over his face. 

You nod. “Right before Mike and I broke up…I went to this party. It was at this girl’s house that I went to elementary school with. She would randomly invite me to parties, but I didn’t know anyone.” You pause and swallow hard. “I went alone because I was mad at Mike and I had a drink, but I wasn’t even remotely drunk. Not drunk enough to not remember him grabbing me when I came out of the bathroom and pulling me into a bedroom…”

Sam gives you a look that breaks your heart. You wanted for so long to avoid the sympathetic looks. It makes you feel broken. But it also reminds you that you’re worth more. That someone cares so much about you that you’re fairly sure Sam would actually kill the guy that did this. 

“I’ve never told anyone.” You whisper. He pulls his own t-shirt over your head and wraps his arms around you. You lay a tear soaked cheek on his shoulder. 

“I’m so sorry, Tina.” He says quietly, stroking your hair. 

Titan jumps on the couch beside you and lays his head in your lap just like he did when you first met him at the shelter. He snuggles close to you, trying hard to comfort you. You shift to lean into Sam who wraps his arms around you tighter. 

You sit so long that you feel your joints getting stiff since you’re not in the most comfortable position. 

“Do you want to go to bed?” He asks you gently. You nod and stand. 

You sniffle again. You thought the tears were gone, but the vodka has other plans for your emotions tonight. 

Sam follows you in your room and tucks you in like a kid. He brushes your long hair away from your face, his eyes big with concern. 

“Are you okay?” He asks you. 

You nod slowly looking up at him. He nods back and starts to turn. You grab his wrist. “Will you stay?”

He nods again and pulls back the covers on the other side of your bed and crawls in. Titan jumps up on the end of the bed and curls up at Sam’s feet. 

You feel Sam shift toward you and wrap his arms around you again. “I’m so sorry, Tina.”

You snuggle backwards into him and let out another quiet sob before falling asleep in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Credits:
> 
> Pumpin' Blood (FIXYN Remix) - NONONO  
> I Saw Her Standing There - The Beatles/Glee Cast


	4. Hold On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Rape/Violence in a flashback

**Saturday, September 7, 2013**

The next morning you wake to the sounds of Sam sliding off of your bed and putting clothes on to take Titan out for a morning walk. Once you hear the front door close, you sit up. You didn’t drink enough to warrant a hangover, but your eyes are puffy from crying and you feel like shit.

You find your shorts in the living room and pull them on. You’re still wearing Sam’s shirt. You twist your hands in the soft fabric and pull the collar up to your face. It smells like him. 

You make your way to the kitchen and start the coffee maker and pour two cups, one for each of you. You grab your phone and sit down at the kitchen table with both cups of coffee. You don’t even try to avoid him this time. He knows now and you know you have to talk to him about it. While you wait you scroll through your Instagram feed. You scoff at the Ryder’s play on the Disney character’s name for his Instagram name: @flynnryder. He posted a picture of Marley grinning with her guitar. You smile. You guess they ended up together after all. You always imagined they would. @RachelBarbra posted yet another picture of her as Fanny Brice. You seriously considered unfollowing her because of all of the obnoxious photos of her on Broadway. _We get it._ You put your phone down on the table when you hear the door knob jiggle. 

He walks back in the door and spots you at the table. You offer him a small smile that he returns as he slips Titan’s leash off. He joins you at the table and takes a sip of coffee. You decide to jump right in.

“So…you probably have questions. I’m prepared to answer some of them, but I’ve never done this before…so bare with me.”

He nods slowly. “No one else knows?”

You shake your head. You had considered telling Mike, but you knew that the relationship was over before it had even happened. You couldn’t see the point of adding insult to injury when he left you regardless of the situation. 

“How long before you and Mike broke up?”

“Like two days. I went to that party to piss him off basically. Like I said, it was a messy break up. And you know me, I like to provoke people and I say things I don’t mean…I was so angry with him, which was irrational since I pushed him to apply to those dance schools…but in my mind, it was justified. He was leaving me. And then that party happened…I never told him.” 

“We all noticed that you changed…we just thought it was because of Mike.” He says quietly, almost sounding like he was blaming himself.

“It was partly because of Mike, but mostly because of…this. I regressed. I started high school so shy but so angry for no reason really. I met Mike and I fell for him and I became a different person. I was genuinely happy. But then last summer happened and Mike left and I went back to that dark place to hide.” 

He nods slowly, staring down at the table. “Do you know anything about this guy?” He clenches his jaw again. 

You shake your head. “I’m pretty sure he’s older than me. I think he graduated from Lima High…the girl, Katie…it was her party…she didn’t know who he was.”

“Did you get like…checked out? Did you tell the police or anything?” His eyes flicker downwards, then meet your eyes. 

“I got tested and I’m clean…but I didn’t report it. Who would have believed me? I was underage and drinking…and I don’t even know the guy. I couldn’t have told them anything and honestly, I don’t want to. I know how those things work. It takes years if the case even goes to court. I would just have to relive it over and over again.” You shake your head. “I can’t do that. That’s why I never told anyone.”

“But your nightmares…” He says softly. 

“Yeah and the anxiety about being around strangers…I relive it everyday…” You whisper. You pull your feet up into the chair and rest your arms on your knees. 

“I’m so sorry…” He says again, crossing his arms. 

“Sam, you didn’t do anything. If anything I actually feel a little relieved that I told you. It’s a big secret to carry around…” You sigh. “And _I’m_ sorry.”

He shakes his head, looking confused. “For what?”

“For last night…for letting it get that far and then stopping…”

He reaches across the table. “Hey, hey, no you didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t owe me anything, except maybe milk because you keep drinking mine.” You crack a small smile. “But you don’t owe me anything. If anything were to ever happen between us it would be like my privilege, not something that I’m entitled to or that I expect from you.”

You feel a tear spill out of your eye. Sam furrows his brows and sighs softly. 

“Tina, I really want to help you, but I don’t know how…maybe you’d consider telling someone else too. I mean, you said yourself that you feel relieved by telling me, but you still relive it…I mean, you don’t have to…” 

You nod. “No, you’re right. I need help…telling you has actually made me feel better. Maybe Blaine and Santana…” You mumble to yourself before looking at him again. “Will you stay though? I can’t tell them alone.”

You grab your phone and text Blaine and Santana. 

_SOS…can you come over?_

Blaine texts back almost immediately with a yes and says he’ll arrive in under an hour. Santana’s text makes you smile. 

_SOS…sack of shit? Sex on stilts? I’m jogging so let me get to the Q to hop to the 2._ She says, referring to the subway.

Sam pours you both bowls of cereal and you decide to change out of Sam’s clothes before Blaine gets here. He’s probably memorized Sam’s wardrobe and you do not want a repeat of the last time you were caught that trouty mouth. 

 

A little less than an hour later Sam answers buzzes Blaine up and he charges in, demanding to know where you are.

“Where is Tina? Is she okay?” Blaine sounds seriously concerned. 

“Dude, chill. She’s here. She’s…okay.” Sam grabs his shoulder and pushes him toward the kitchen table. Titan lays his head in Blaine’s lap and lets him scratch his head.

You walk into the living room to placate Blaine. “I’m okay, Blaine. I just need to talk to you about something. You and Santana.”

He furrows his thick brows and glances at Sam. “They’re friends now.” He shrugs.

“I just need…I need a girl’s perspective on this too and she’s my closest girl friend here.”

“What’s going on?” Blaine asks, looking between you and Sam. Sam stands with his arms crossed looking uncharacteristically serious. 

“Blaine…just wait until Santana gets here and I’ll explain.” You tell him. 

Fortunately, there is another buzz followed by a swift knock less than five minutes later. You answer it to see a slightly sweaty Santana clad in a tight tank top and running shorts. She pulls her headphones from her ears and looks at you. 

“What’s going on Lady Cha— sorry…Teeena?” She emphasizes your name since you asked her to stop calling you Lady Chang or Girl Chang, since it’s Mike’s last name, not yours. “And what the hell is SOS?”

“Save our souls.” Blaine says from the kitchen. “It’s kind of like code for ‘send help.’”

She follows you in nodding to Sam who finally sat down at the table with Blaine. “What’s going on?…Hold up, is this a gay-vention? Which one of you is coming out? I’m assuming you, Tina, because I remember how into those sweet lady kisses you were.” She looks from you to the boys with a slight smirk, but sits down without uncrossing her arms. 

“No, no one is coming out, Santana. I need to talk to the two of you…last night I admitted something to Sam that I haven’t ever told anyone about.” You pause. “I’ve kept this to myself for too long and it’s not getting any better, but telling Sam was actually kind of a relief…”

Blaine looks at you, his eyes wide with concern. Sam’s eyes are trained on the table and Santana furrows her brow trying to figure you out. 

“Don’t freak out please. I need you guys for support. I don’t know what to do anymore and it’s killing me.” You telling them, fighting the lump in your throat. 

Blaine reaches across the table and grabs your hand. “Tina, we’re here for you no matter what’s going on. You can tell us anything.”

Santana nods, keeping quiet. It’s funny how quickly Santana can change when one of her friends has something serious going on.

“Thanks.” You mumble, unsure how to start this conversation. “So, um, Blaine, you know how I was at the beginning of senior year…I was a total bitch. I had turned into a different person. Everything thought it was just because of Mike…”

He nods slowly. 

“It wasn’t just because of Mike…I mean that was part of it, but…right before Mike and I broke up…I was raped.” You stare down at the table, afraid of their reactions. You feel Blaine’s hand squeeze yours harder. 

“Tina…” Blaine says softly, you can hear his voice crack a little, clearly struck by your words. 

You glance up at your friends. Santana’s face matches Sam’s, both clenching their jaw. Blaine looks hurt, like he’d just been slapped. 

“Who did this?” Santana demands, jerking forward in her seat and throwing her hands up. “Who the fuck did this? _Te juro a Dios,_ I will fucking murder him.”

Sam’s face softens as he glances at her. You actually crack a smile at the crazy Latina. She and Sam are more alike than she’d ever like to admit, but you’re glad the two of them care so much. 

“Santana, calm down. We’re not killing anyone today.” You say gently. 

“That’s why you always wanted to go out with me and Britt…” She says slowly. “To get out of your head.”

“Yeah…but I wouldn’t dream of going to another party where I didn’t know anyone.” You pause and take a breath. You might as well tell them the whole story. 

_You had reconnected with Katie after seeing her at a restaurant in Lima one day right after Mike’s graduation. She gave you her number and would randomly invite you to parties. You were so mad at Mike at the time that you started going just to piss him off. You knew it was irrational to be so mad at him for leaving since you had pushed him to go, but it didn’t matter._

_Katie texted you that afternoon telling you about a party she was having. Katie went to Lima’s only private school and she only lived a few blocks away from you. You decided you could just walk home, so you went alone. You didn’t care about Mike going, you just wanted to get fucked up and forget about him._

_You got there and the house was full of people you’d never seen before. First you found a beer, then you found Katie chatting with her friends._

_“Tina, another familiar face! I’m so glad you could make it! I don’t know who half of these people are.” She said, giving you a hug._

_You started making small talk and she asked about Mike._

_“Ugh, he’s leaving in like a month so we’re basically done. I don’t know why he keeps dragging it on.” You ranted, only taking small sips of your beer._

_“Well you know, they say the best way to get over one guy is to get under another one.” She winked at you. “In fact, that guy over there keeps eyeing you pretty hard. I have no idea who he is though. I think he name is Ethan. He came with a couple other guys from Lima High.”_

_You glanced at the boy she was talking about. He was kind of cute, but he gave you a creepy vibe. He smirked at you._

_“Yeah, he seems a little creepy though.” You told her your thoughts._

_She shrugged and went back to talking to her friends. You jumped in and out of the conversation when they talked about things other than school drama. You finished your first beer and went to find another. You mingled a little, but you weren’t feeling up to chatting much. You considered Katie’s advice, but regardless of the state of your relationship, you’d never cheat on Mike. He was way too good of a guy to throw away like that._

_The first beer hit your bladder and you went to find a bathroom. The first floor bathroom had a line down the hall, but you had been to the house enough to know that there was another bathroom upstairs. You climbed the stairs and found the bathroom empty. In fact, most of the upstairs was empty._

_When you slipped out of the bathroom, you were startled by a strong grip on your arm. You looked to find the same boy as before grinning at you._

_“Get off.” You demanded, pulling your arm out of his grip. He grinned more and grabbed you again, this time with both arms, one wrapped around your body, pinning your arms down and the other across your mouth. He pushed you into the first open door, which looked like a spare bedroom. He shoved you down hard toward the bed. Being only 5’4” put you at a severe disadvantage to the guy who was well over 6 foot. He locked the door and started toward you again. You struggled to your feet and tried to dart past him. He shoved you harder and you fell back onto the bed, hitting your shoulder on the pointy corner of a cheap nightstand._

_He pulled a pocketknife from his back pocket. You immediately stopped moving, your eyes wide and filled with tears._

_“Yeah you chink bitch. You open your fucking mouth and I’ll fucking stab you.”_

_He grinned again, which made you sick to your stomach. He was actually getting pleasure out of this. He pushed the bottom of your skirt up exposing your underwear. You whimpered out of fear as he took his knife and cut them off, exposing you completely._

_He said a few more derogatory things about your body before unzipping his jeans and forcing himself into you. You cried out in pain, but he immediately shoved a dirty hand over your mouth._

_“I said. Shut. The fuck. Up. Bitch.” He said between grunts._

_You squeezed your eyes shut and prayed that it would be over soon._

_Finally, it was. You glanced up at him. He was sweating and wore a sickening grin._

_“Don’t bother telling anyone. They won’t believe you.” He smirked before leaving the room._

_As soon as he was gone, you jumped up and fled the room. You jogged all the way back to your house and flung yourself into the shower. You sobbed and scrubbed your skin raw trying to get him off of you._

_Two days later Mike had tried to kiss you and go a little further, which wasn’t unusual, but you freaked out. He didn’t understand, but assumed it was because you were mad. And you couldn’t tell him what had really happened._

_“Tina…I can’t do this anymore. We both know that this is over. It has been for a while now. I’m moving soon…and all we’re doing is hurting each other.” He told you solemnly._

_You sobbed into his arms and begged him to stay, but he wouldn’t. His eyes filled with tears as he pushed you away and said goodbye._

_“I’m sorry, Tina. You know I’ll always love you, but we can’t do this anymore.”_

_You cried yourself into a stupor that lasted for the rest of the summer. The only time you emerged from your room was to go out with Santana and Brittany. It was your only escape._

_Your mom assumed you were upset over Mike, and you were, but you couldn’t tell her the rest. She was upset too because she blamed you for Mike leaving. She adored Mike and hoped that you’d stay together. You resented her for not being there for you._

_“Tina, I don’t understand. Why did he leave? It sounded like you had had a fight…again.” She told you. She had heard you yelling all summer. “What did you do?”_

_Your mouth fell open. You decided right then to never tell anyone. If your mom blamed you, then so would everyone else._

“Looking back, I know my mom would never blame me for what happened…but it’s been so long now. It feels like I shouldn’t still be in this position. I should have moved on…but I haven’t.” You say, finally looking up at your friends. 

Santana’s eyes have glazed over. You’re not sure if they’re tears or if she’s lost in her own thoughts. Sam looks even more angry than before. You’d never realized how much it might affect him, or how protective he would feel. Then again, you’re pretty sure that all of the guys in Glee club would have reacted the same way. The boys always stood up for the girls and they always stood up for Kurt and Blaine and Unique any time any of you were bullied. 

Blaine moves around the table and wraps his arms around you tightly. “I’m so sorry, Tina. It…it…it make me sick.” He spits out, his voice dripping with contempt for the boy that hurt you. 

“This is why I fucking hate straight guys…no offense Trouty.” Santana is pulled out of her daze and tosses a glance at Sam; Blaine moves back to his own chair, but keeps a protective hand over yours. “They think they’re entitled to whatever they fucking want. Too many girls go through this shit. Brittany…and now you. _¡Es repugnante!_ ”

“Brittany?” You furrow your brow looking up at her.

“Yeah, you know how she told us that one time when Rachel was concerned about losing it to Finn…you know how she told us that there was an ‘alien invasion’ in her tent at summer camp? Yeah…she was twelve fucking years old and some middle aged animal came in and had his way with her.” She gets a little choked up. “We all thought it was her just being her at the time, but she told me later. You ever wonder why she acts the way she does? She had her childhood taken away from her by some pervert with a thing for little girls!” Tears trickle down her cheeks as she yells. 

Sam reaches over and grabs her hand. Santana keeps talking. “I’m sorry, Tina. This isn’t about me or Britt. This is about you. I just…it’s just fucking sick that people do this shit and get away with it.”

“It is sick.” You nod at her. “I never knew about Brittany…it shouldn’t happen to anyone.”

“It shouldn’t happen to anyone ever. And it gives a bad name to guys everywhere.” Sam finally speaks up, glancing at Santana. “You know, we could find both of them. You could go all Lima Heights. We could do it.” 

She gives him a small smile and sniffles. “We could.”

“I wanted to tell you because I need you guys…for support, not to kill anyone. I’ve been depressed and anxious ever since…I have nightmares all the time. I can’t get away from it. I need…help.” You say. 

Blaine just nods, blinking back his own tears. “Have you ever thought of seeing someone? Like a therapist or a counselor?”

You shrug. You hadn’t considered it before this morning. You always assumed that you would just get over it. 

“You know, Berry’s been seeing a shrink since Finn died…she raves about her all the time. She keeps her card on our fridge. I could get it for you.” Santana says, having calmed down some. 

You nod. “Yeah, send me a picture or something, but don’t tell Rachel, or Brittany, or anyone. Please. This isn’t something I want a lot of people knowing about.”

“Tina, you have nothing to be ashamed of.” Blaine says thoughtfully. 

“Or Kurt. Please do not tell Kurt.” You glance at him. “I know I don’t have to be ashamed, but it’s really personal and as much as I love gossip, I hate it when it’s about me. Plus, it’s not just some petty little thing that people can laugh about like wearing a bowtie and liking boys.” Your eyes widen as soon as it comes out of your mouth. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. Being gay isn’t petty or something to joke about either.” 

“All the time.” Sam smirks and shakes his head, quoting what he said to Burt Hummel before Nationals. You have a big mouth and you always stick your foot in it.

“It’s okay, Tina. I understand. I’m not going to tell anyone. It is different from being gay. Being gay is something that eventually you do want people to know, so they can understand and accept you. This isn’t part of who you are. This is something that someone did to you, but it’s not you.” You feel bad. You hadn’t forgotten how much Blaine was bullied for being gay. Santana nods in agreement. 

“I’m sorry. I just stick my foot in my mouth all the time.” You say looking at her and Blaine. 

“It’s okay. Grease Head is right. This is different.” She says. “But you should really consider seeing someone. Tell anyone and I’ll deny it, but I did…after I came out to my abuela and she basically kicked me to the curb. I had to talk to someone unbiased and wouldn’t judge me for everything I’ve done in the past.”

You nod. That makes sense. Your friends are great, but they’re not trained therapists. They don’t know how to help you. You put your elbows on the table and rest your chin in your hands. 

“Thank you…all of you. I don’t know why I kept it in for so long…I actually do feel a lot better just telling you guys. Like I don’t have to carry it around all by myself.” You say looking at all of them sincerely. 

Santana smiles and starts singing Florence + the Machine’s Shake It Out softly.

_Shake it out, shake it out_  
 _Shake it out, shake it out, ooh_

You join to harmonize with her. 

_Shake it out, shake it out_  
 _Shake it out, shake it out, ooh_  
 _It’s hard to dance, with the devil on your back_  
 _So shake him off, ooh._

You smile at the Latina girl as dimples form on her cheeks from grinning. Santana stands and apologizes for having to leave, but she has a show at 2 and Blaine follows, offering to walk Santana to the subway station. 

You walk your friends to the door and squeeze both of them in tight hugs. “Thank you.”

You shut the door behind them and turn back to the blond boy. He’s sitting on the floor with his arms wrapped around Titan. He looks up at you. 

“You okay?” He asks you. 

You nod. “Yeah…I think so. So um…last night…I’m not sure—” You start.

“Yeah that probably shouldn’t happen…for a while…”

“…yeah I mean, I should see someone…like a therapist…” You mumble. You know full well that it would not be a good idea to get involved with Sam, since he’s your roommate and you’re just figuring this out.

“Exactly. I mean it wasn’t bad at all…it was good…” He blushes a little and looks back down at Titan. “You just need to focus on getting better.”

You nod. You agree with everything that he said. It definitely was good. It was great, you felt alive again. But you need to learn how to be alive on your own. 

“Thank you…for everything. You’re a really great roommate and a great guy, Sam.” You smile at him. 

He grins back. “You’re not so bad yourself.” He says in an accent, quoting a movie you’ve never heard of. 

“Hey, what are you doing tonight?”

You shrug. 

“If you’re free around 8, come by the diner. I don’t think Kurt’s working. We could have dinner and then I have a surprise for you.” He grins. 

“Sounds good.”

 

You show up at the diner a little before 8 and sit at the bar. Every other time you’ve been in here someone has been singing. The waiters have a pretty sweet gig. You know Sam gets tons of tips when he sings. 

You feel your phone vibrate with a text message from Santana. You see a picture of a business card and an accompanying text. 

_Here is the info for R’s shrink. I know I play the bitch, but I really do want you to get better. I needs someone to talks my shit with._

You smirk at the text and quickly type up your response.

_Aw Satan does care. I’m saving this text as evidence. But really, thank you._

You get an emoji of a face with the tongue sticking out in reply. You shake your head. It means a lot that Santana cares so much, and you understand why. She has a personal interest in this issue because of Brittany and for some unknown reason she’s also determined to be your friend, which you guess, at this point she counts as a very close friend.

Sam startles you by jumping up onto the counter beside you to sit on it. 

“I’m about to clock out!” He gives you a goofy grin. “What do you want to eat? It’s on the house!”

You smile. “Surprise me.” You’re not a picky eater and you’ve liked everything Sam’s made for you so you trust what he’ll pick.

“Well, then sit tight. I’ll be right back.” He walks backwards away from you, point both index fingers in your direction. 

He comes back a few minutes later with two plates of food for the two of you. “Okay, before I eat…your surprise.”

A minute later he rounds the corner with his guitar in hand and takes the stage, sitting on a stool. He throws the strap over his shoulder and pulls the microphone close. 

“This…is for my best friend.” He says simply, smiling at you. 

He begins to strum a song you’ve heard a couple times before. You watch as he continues to smile at you before closing his eyes and singing. 

_They say you'll find yourself one of these days_  
 _As if they know I'm lost and could never be saved_  
 _A gamble is what I'll take trading ashes for gold, hoping life will give its sake_  
 _Life is too short to stop and stare at the blank page that tells your way_  
 _Auuuuuuuuuu_

He opens his eyes and watches you as he sings the chorus.

_Hold on to your life my love and_  
 _Then you'll find what's in and out of line_  
 _Just hold on, hold on_

You feel your heart warm as he finishes Phillip Phillip’s Hold On. You smile at him as he bows his head to the applause the diners give him. He puts the guitar on a stand and joins you at the bar. He puts his arm around your shoulder. 

“Thank you, Sam. That was just what I needed to hear.” You say, beaming up at him and leaning in to wrap your arms around him. You both enjoy a quick dinner before heading out.

You let him lead you outside into the balmy New York night. He starts to walk down the sidewalk in the general direction of Time Square. 

“Why did you say that that song made you feel alive the other day?” He asks you. You hardly remember telling him that. “Is it because of what happened?” He glances down at you. 

You shrug. “I guess. I guess for a while I was walking around in a daze. Like I was asleep and everything was part of this nightmare. That’s kind of why I went to all of those parties after with Santana and Brittany…the loud music, the rush…it made me feel like I was a person again…kind of like last night with you did.”

He nods slightly, furrowing his brow slightly and pursing his lips, making a face you know all too well to be his concentrating face. “You still feel like that now, like you’re in a daze?”

“Sometimes. Some days are good and some days are bad. There were a lot of good days this past year…mostly during Glee club and when I hung out with you and Blaine.”

“What happens on a bad day?” His eyes flicker downwards again. 

“I don’t know. I just feel like I’m stuck. I’m unhappy and I can’t do anything about it. The world keeps moving, but I’m just…stuck. I replay it in my head and I can’t get it out. I just feel like I’d rather not be me.”

His eyes stay trained on the ground as he shoves his hands into the pockets of his black work pants. “I never knew you felt that way Tina…I’m sorry for all the times I made fun of you or called you a bitch…or—”

“Sam.” You cut him off, turning to look at him. “I was…I am a bitch. I may have had my reasons but most of the time it was uncalled for. I treated Dotty like shit and pretty much deserved what happened at prom.” You pause. “You and Blaine…you guys made last year tolerable. I mean, Blaine more than you since I spent more time with him, but towards the end when we really became friends, it was getting better. I think moving here has made it worse again. I’m just rattled, I guess. It’s a big adjustment, moving here. But living with you has made it so much better and so much easier.” You smile at him. “I love living with you and having you as a friend.”

He smiles down at you and grabs your hand. “Well come on then! We’ve been here for almost a month and we still haven’t seen everything.”

He skips down the sidewalk right into Time Square. You beam up at all of the lights and take in the city. He grins at you. 

“This is what we came for T.” He says, as he stretches his long arms out and spins around. 

You pull out your phone and turn the camera to front-facing mode and pull Sam down by the shoulder. He gives the camera a cute lopsided grin and you smile wide. 

“Instagram!” You squeal jokingly and pick the filter that makes you look the best and post it with the caption ‘Sammy in the city @troutymouth.’

“@teecochang tagged a photo of you!” He makes a face, feigning surprise, as he reads the notification on his own phone. 

Less than a minute later, @blaine_warbler, @Snixxx, and @QueenFabray have liked your picture. You double tap your screen to like a selfie of @UniqueBaby before you slide your phone back into your purse. 

Sam takes your hand again and pulls you through the crowded sidewalk as you take in the sights and sounds of the city. Eventually when you run out of things to look at in Time Square he suggests you go home and watch Supernatural reruns on the couch. A perfect night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any issues with this, please feel free to let me know. I have tried to be as tactful and respectful as possible. 
> 
> Song Credits:
> 
> Shake It Out - Florence + The Machine/Glee Cast  
> Hold On - Phillip Phillips


	5. Safe and Sound

**Tuesday, September 17, 2013**

You walk into Pierre’s dance studio feeling nervous. Right after dance you have your first appointment with Dr. Jameson, your new therapist. Fortunately, Rachel’s therapist specializes in grief and trauma so she’s a good fit for both of you. You just hope Santana didn’t say anything to her. 

Surprisingly, after telling your secret, everything seemed to go back to normal. Everything that you had been afraid of didn’t happen. No one treated you differently, aside from Blaine who is acting a little like you’re porcelain doll. Santana is still calling you names, aside from Girl Chang, and acting like nothing has changed. You appreciate it. You never wanted anything to change. You’re not broken, just slightly fractured.

Sam has been nothing but supportive. It didn’t take any time at all for him to start teasing you again, and he hasn’t once mentioned your very intimate encounter. But he also found his way into your bed again. 

_Sunday night you found yourself asleep in your own bed, but trapped under_ him _in your dream. You woke up to the sound of your own shrieking and Sam gently shaking your shoulders. You clutched his arm and blinked back the tears in your eyes. He wrapped his arms around you and laid down on your pillow. He pulled you close to him and held you until you both fell asleep._

Even though the thought of strong, restricting arms around you scares the shit out of you, his arms wrapped around you, pulling you close, don’t. They’re safe. He’s become a safe haven. It’s refreshing to feel so trusting of a guy, who isn’t gay or your dad, again. Sometimes it still surprises you how sweet and gentle the goofy guy can be. 

You sit your bag down in the back corner of the studio where Kurt and Blaine are stretching. 

“Tina! I was hoping you’d be coming today.” Kurt says. You give him a funny look. You’re always here on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so you’re not sure why he cares today. “Well, we know you’re in fashion school, obviously…okay, so you know that I had an internship with Vogue.com last year, right?”

You nod. You do know. You also know that that’s why Blaine cheated on him because Kurt blew him off for his job. You still feel a little protective of Blaine when it comes to Kurt, even though you know they’re perfect for each other.

“Well, I talked to Isabelle yesterday because I haven’t seen her in months and she’s looking for a new intern to kind of be her assistant, like I was when I could afford to still do that. I was thinking…I could put in a good word for you if you wanted it. She actually asked if I knew anyone and you were the first person to come to mind since you’re actually in fashion school and not at NYADA.”

Your eyes widen. You knew you would be expected to get an internship or get involved at some point, but you didn’t expect it to be so soon. You are going to therapy today. You’re still trying to deal with things. But…you heard about Isabelle. She’s sweet. The kind of mentor you’d like. You nod slowly. 

Kurt breaks into a grin, lips covering his teeth. “So you’re interested?”

“Yes…yes. That would be an amazing opportunity. Thanks, Kurt.” You smile back at him. You and Kurt have never been the closest of friends, but you’ve always had a soft spot for him since he was one of the original New Directions, like you. 

“I’ll give her your info. I’d expect a call in the next few days!” He bounces on his toes excitedly as Blaine glances up at you and smiles. 

“Pretty Prancing Pony, sweet, gentle Porcelain, what’s got you all riled up?” Santana walks over looking smug, slinging her gym bag on the floor. 

“Just making Tina’s dreams come true.” He flashes a cheeky grin at the tan girl. 

She narrows her eyes and smirks even more. “Wow, Lady Hummel, I never knew Tina’s dreams involved a pasty gay boy in teeny tiny little girl’s shorts.” She eyes Kurt up and down then glances at Blaine. “Oh wait! How could I forget?”

Kurt looks like he might hit Santana, but Blaine shakes his head and pull his fiancé away. 

“Santana…” You say, struggling to fight back your laughter. You grab her elbow and pull her to the opposite side of the studio away from the boys and start stretching. 

Once you’ve both composed yourself, she leans closer to you. “So today’s the first day?”

You nod. “I’m nervous.”

“Don’t be. She’s there to help. Rachel says she’s really good.” She says as she grabs the bottom of her foot with both hands and lays her head on her knee. 

You follow suit. “I just don’t want to have to explain it all again.”

“Well you can’t just ignore it. I mean, it’s not actually getting better is it? Trouty Mouth won’t tell me anything so I don’t know what you’ve been like at home.”

“I still have nightmares. I wake him up all the time. He might as well just start out in my bed instead of playing musical beds every other night.” You say. You immediately feel her eyes on you and you realize that you said that out loud. 

“Wait a second.” She says, as you glance up at her. She’s staring at you with wide eyes. She continues. “Every other night…in your bed? What?”

You groan. “It’s nothing. I just…he wakes me up because I start screaming and then he just sleeps in my bed. Nothing happens. It’s not like that.”

Her eyes are about to pop out of her skull. “Okay, the whole nightmare thing really does suck and I’m sorry, but oh my God. Blaine might actually kill you.” She starts laughing. “He went on and on one night about how you two made out and how it was awful and it would ruin the threesome he seems to think you’ve got going on, which is disgusting by the way. I mean I get that you had a thing for Blaine and he had a thing for Lips McGee, but gross.”

“Santana, it’s not an actual threesome.” You roll your eyes at her.

She holds her hands up in defense. “I was joking. But seriously, don’t tell Blaine about that. He might actually combust into a big rainbow mountain of glitter and stinky hair gel.”

You shake your head. “It’s nothing, Santana. It’s happened like once. I’m not telling anyone because there’s nothing to tell.”

She raises her eyebrows and nods. “Whatever you say, Teeny Bopper.”

 

An hour and a half later you’re sitting in the waiting room at Dr. Jameson’s office. You pop your head phones in your ears and hit shuffle on your Relax playlist. You take a deep breath and try to do as the title of the playlist says. Santana told you that Rachel only comes on Fridays, so you shouldn’t ever see her; one less thing to worry about. A few moments later you see the door open.

“Tina?” A tall, thin woman with slightly graying short hair calls your name softly. You glance at her and she smiles warmly. 

You follow her into the small, bright room, on the 14th floor that overlooks Midtown Manhattan. She gestures to the love seat for you to sit. 

“Tina, it’s very nice to meet you. I’m Dr. Jameson.” She starts, the friendly smile never leaving her face. “Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself to get us started?”

You start talking. You tell her about moving to New York, all of your Lima friends and the Glee club, living with Sam, and your family in Ohio. You feel yourself swell with pride when you tell her about FIT. Sometimes you forget how big of an accomplishment it was to get into the renowned fashion school. Especially since you didn’t have the same prep school upbringing as some of the other students in your classes. 

“I’ve heard great things about FIT. How has your experience been so far?”

“It’s been amazing. The fashion classes are exactly what I’d hoped they’d be and the other classes are interesting too. The campus is beautiful and the professors are amazing. The people are okay. Some of them are prep school snobs, actually a lot of them are. But there are a few really nice girls in my classes that I’ve talked to.” You tell her.

She nods, smiling again before turning serious. “When you scheduled this appointment you cited a trauma being the reason for wanting to come in. Why don’t you tell me about it.”

You take a deep breath and look at your hands. You launch into your story. It’s exactly the same as the story you told Sam, Blaine, and Santana but you don’t leave out anything this time. You don’t feel the need to spare Dr. Jameson the details of what he said or what he did, how it felt, how it burned and ripped your insides. Relief washes over you as you tell her everything. You don’t feel the need to protect her feelings. She’s an unbiased third party who doesn’t have long standing emotional ties to you like your friends do. She watches you speak with an unwavering empathetic expression. Her eyebrows furrow slightly every now and then as she takes in your story. Not once does anger or sadness pass over her features. It makes it a lot easier to get it all out that way. 

You finish your story and glance up at her, wiping a few stray tears from your cheeks. She’s nodding slowly, taking it all in. “Tell me more about Mike.” She prompts you. 

You heart swells a little as you describe your relationship with Mike. How sweet and supportive he always was. How he wasn’t ever afraid to give you a reality check when you were being a bitch. How much you could feel how deeply he cared about you. How much you still love him. 

You tell her about how you and Mike ended, and how your relationship with your mother changed because of it. You talk more about your parents. 

“You never told your parents?” She asks, simply, not accusing you of anything. 

You shake your head. “I was afraid of what they’d say. I was underage and drinking, doing things they’d die if they knew about. My mom was a little upset about Mike breaking up with me, she always loved him like her own son. She wanted us to be together. My dad was a little more supportive of me during my break up, but I couldn’t tell him what had happened to his little girl. It would crush him…” You swallow hard, allowing tears to trickle down your face again. “I couldn’t hurt them.”

“How did this affect you over the past year? Did you notice any changes…changes in mood, behavior, sleeping habits, eating habits, anything really.”

You nod your head vigorously. “I changed so much. I started high school really shy, but angry. I felt like the world was out to get me, and I don’t even know why. Once I got involved in the Glee club and then with Mike, I changed for the better. I was nice and caring, but I kind of morphed back into that old person over the past year. I hid behind my bitchy attitude and made some of my closest friends dislike me. Maybe not indefinitely, because the Glee kids are always supportive, no matter how mean you are. But they all noticed the changes and called me out on it. I was always unhappy. Unhappier than usual. It was more than just not getting a solo. I was angry and hurting and…alone. Since the beginning of 2013, I’ve softened a little, I guess. I’m not so angry and mean now, just depressed and anxious. My eating habits didn’t really change, but sleeping got harder. I was afraid to be alone for a long time, but I was scared to be with anyone else too. I partied a lot because drinking always made me sleep easier. Once school started again though, I couldn’t drink all the time. I had no way of getting booze and I obviously couldn’t just drink in the house with my parents there. That’s when the nightmares started.”

“What are the nightmares like?” She asks. 

“Like it’s happening all over again, but I’m watching. I scream and scream trying to get someone to find me, to make it stop, but it never works. My parents never noticed my screaming because my bedroom was the room over the garage and it was mostly detached from the rest of the house. But Sam…Sam hears it. He was the first person to notice it actually. He was the first person to really notice that something else was wrong. Probably because he sees me so much. But I want to stop waking him up. I want the nightmares to stop…I want to stop feeling like this.”

She nods again. “Nightmares in this kind of situation aren’t uncommon. But it makes sense that you’d want them to end. It’s hard to move on when it follows you around like that.”

You sniffle and nod again. 

“Tina, our hour is almost up. Is there anything else you want to talk about before you go?”

You shrug. “I just want to get better. It’s been over a year…”

“The healing process takes time. And you’ve given it time, but I don’t know how much healing has actually been occurring. Carrying around a secret like that must have been exhausting. It’s brave of you to come forward with it now.”

You nod and sigh. “It was exhausting. I actually feel relieved now that some people know. My friends know and they don’t judge me. In fact, I’m pretty sure they’d kill him. I mean, not actually kill him, but you know.”

She smiles. “It sounds like you have a great group of friends that are very supportive of you.”

You smile and nod. You know she must already know that since she’s been seeing Rachel for a few months, but she, of course, can’t tell you that. 

“Well, Tina, I look forward to seeing you next week and we’ll talk some more.”

You thank her and walk from the room and into the elevator. 

You have mixed feelings about everything. You kind of hate having to get help because you should be able to handle this on your own. That’s what you always told yourself. You could handle it. But maybe you were wrong. You feel such a sense of relief and even control after telling your friends and Dr. Jameson what really changed you last year. Other people know and the world didn’t end. No one said mean things to you and no one blamed you for what happened. 

 

You arrive home that evening after your classes to the familiar and disgusting smell of protein powder. You wrinkle your nose and drop your bags to find Sam alternating between pushups and sit-ups next to his weight bench that he dragged into the living room. 

“Hey.” He says, uncharacteristically annoyed and even a little frazzled. “How did it go with the head doctor?”

You curl up on the couch sitting on your feet and watch him. Titan jumps up next to you and tries to lick your face. “It went okay. I kind of hate retelling that story so many times, but I guess it’s good to get it out.”

He nods as he jumps up to lay on the weight bench, pushing two dumbbells over his head. 

“I’m glad…you’re going, Tina…I hope it helps.” He says through sharps exhalations. 

“What’s up with you? You look pissed.” You say finally. You haven’t seen him like this since you did that men at McKinley calendar and he was freaking out over his body. 

“I’m just…I had a rough day…Do you have any…idea…how hard it is…to memorize a script exactly…when you’re dyslexic?” He says then sitting up, taking a gulp of his protein shake. 

You sigh a little and give him a sympathetic look. You imagine it is hard. 

“I can freaking read but I mix words up and get them out of order. I messed up and got yelled at. Santana even felt bad for me, that’s how bad it was. I’m great in my improv class because I can fill in the blanks myself, but script analysis is kicking my freaking ass and my professor is a dick about it.” He exhales sharply and jumps up. He’s at the door before you have time to react. “I’m going for a jog.”

“Didn’t you go for a jog this morning?” You ask, making a face, but the door slams behind him before Titan can even make it to the door. The dog turns back to look at you with big puppy dog eyes. 

“I know buddy. He’ll be back.” You tell him in a voice reserved only for babies and animals. 

You feel your phone vibrate and you pull it out of your pocket. It’s a text from Santana. 

_How did it go?_

_Not bad. I like her a lot. Rachel found a good one._ You type in response, telling her about your appointment with Dr. Jameson. 

_Good. Is TM ok? He had a rough class. Our prof was really harsh and that’s coming from me._ She asks about Sam. 

_Not really. He’s out for his second jog and third workout for the day. I don’t know what to say, but he’s been so supportive for me, I should be supportive for him too._ You tap in the text box of your iPhone. 

You scroll through Instagram while you wait for Santana’s response. You double tap to like @QueenFabray’s picture of her kissing @puckerman20 on the cheek. You’re so glad they got back together. Then again, you’ve always been a sucker for a good love story and theirs is definitely a contender for one of McKinley’s best. 

Your phone vibrates again with Santana’s response. _Call in reinforcements? Tell him I care and I’ll hunt you down dwarf. Good luck._

You scoff and roll your eyes. Santana cares so much that it’s funny, but she doesn’t want anyone to know. You open a new message and type up another text.

_Blainey days, got dinner plans? I need your help with Sam._

You get a response almost instantly from your best friend saying that he’ll be over soon. 

 

Blaine arrives before Sam gets back and he helps you with the stir-fry. It’s one of Sam’s favorites and it’s healthy, so you’re hoping it’ll help cheer him up a little. 

“So what’s going on with him?” Blaine asks you, looking concerned.

“You know how he gets when something knocks him down…he goes straight to his workouts to perfect his flawless physique and obsesses over how he looks. Even though he seriously one of the most gorgeous guys I’ve ever seen.”

Blaine sighs. “He is, but it’s not that. It’s all in his head. He gets like this because his confidence is shaken and he feels like he only has control over how he looks and that becomes his obsession. Do you know what happened to set him off?”

“Yeah, he did badly in his script analysis class because of his dyslexia. He got the words mixed up and the professor chewed him out for it, according to Santana.”

Blaine frowns. “Does the school know about his dyslexia?”

You shrug. You have no idea. You’d forgotten that he’s dyslexic until he mentioned it earlier. 

You hear the doorknob jiggle and Titan jumps up from his spot on the floor to greet Sam. You glance nervously at Blaine as he slams the front door and then the door to the bathroom. You hear the shower water come on. 

“Does he normally do that?” He returns your gaze. 

You shake your head. Sam always comes in and talks. He jokes around and wrestles with Titan and talks to you about your day. 

You and Blaine move silently around one another to finish cooking when Sam finally reemerges. 

“Oh hey. I didn’t know you were here.” He says to Blaine. 

Blaine offers him a smile that doesn’t get returned. Sam just looks down at the floor. 

“We made stir-fry. I know it’s your favorite.” You say gently. 

Sam’s face softens a little as he sits down at the table. Blaine sits out three glasses of water and you fill three plates with the stir-fry. 

“Thanks guys.” He says as you sit down. 

“Tina told me that you had a bad day…” Blaine says tentatively. 

Sam sighs audibly, eyeing the food but not eating any. “Yeah, it was crap. I can’t help it when the words get all jumbled up.”

“Did you let disability services know about your dyslexia? It’s like the same with the SATs. You can get help.” Blaine says.

“No I didn’t. I don’t want to be the idiot who gets special treatment because he can’t read.” Sam says angrily. 

“Sam, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. You are smart and you can read, it’s just harder for you than others. It has nothing to do with you being an idiot because you’re not an idiot.” Blaine states calmly, taking a bite of his food. 

You nod. “Blaine’s right, Sam. You’re not stupid and being dyslexic doesn’t make you stupid.”

He sighs. “I know, I know. I get what you guys are trying to do. I know I’m not stupid, I just feel like it sometimes.” He takes a bite of his dinner, finally. A small smile spreads over his face. “This is really good.”

You smile. “I knew you’d like it.”

“Sam, I know that it’s hard to accept help. I get it, we both do.” Blaine says looking at you. “But it’s better than running from your problems. Because if you do that, you’re never going to get anywhere and you’re going to be miserable, with monster biceps.”

He sucked both of his lips in and squinted, quirking his eyebrows. “I’ve always had great biceps.”

Blaine laughs and rolls his eyes. “We know, Sam. We know.”

You and Blaine crack a few more jokes at each other’s expense to cheer Sam up. You tell them both a little about your appointment with Dr. Jameson. And Blaine tells you about the latest news with the NYADA side of your friends. 

Rachel wants Kurt to audition for a show, Broadway or off-Broadway. Kurt is skeptical, but he wants to. Blaine isn’t ready to audition for anything yet. You wonder if the real reason Blaine isn’t ready is because Kurt hasn’t had his turn. Blaine confided in you after his acceptance to NYADA that it had put a strain on his relationship with Kurt. Kurt had to work really hard to get into NYADA and Blaine got in on his first try. You’re pretty sure that Blaine is afraid of taking any more of the spotlight away from Kurt. 

“Well good luck to Kurt if he decides to go for it.” You say.

You stand and take your plates to the sink. It’s Sam’s turn to wash them, but you rinse them off for him. Blaine has made his way over to your iPod dock and plugged his phone in. He presses play and Capital Cities’ Safe and Sound blares through the small apartment. 

You grab Sam’s hand, where he is still sitting at the table and pull him to his feet. You bounce over to the living room to the beat and grab Sam’s other hand to dance as Blaine starts to sing over the music. 

_I could lift you up_  
 _I could show you what you wanna see_  
 _And take you where you wanna be_

_You could be my luck_  
 _Even if the sky is falling down_  
 _I know that we'll be safe and sound_

You let go of one of Sam’s hands to grab one of Blaine’s. The three of you giggle and sing along to the music, spinning around and dancing like complete idiots. You take over singing because Blaine is laughing too hard. 

_I could show you love_  
 _In a tidal wave of mystery_  
 _You'll still be standing next to me_

You glance at Sam and catch his eye. He gives you a soft, almost nervous smile that lingers for a moment before you both jump up and down, dancing again trying hard not to trip over Titan.

_You could be my luck_  
 _Even if we're six feet underground_  
 _I know that we'll be safe and sound_

Blaine squints and looks between the two of you, but he keeps dancing and smiling. He spins so that his back is to you and you glance up at Sam again. He raises his eyebrows and grins nervously, flickering his eyes towards Blaine. You both saw the look he gave you. 

The song ends and Blaine pulls you in for a hug. You snuggle your face into his shoulder and feel Sam’s strong arms wrap around your shoulders too. This is where you feel safe. 

Sam lets go first and then Blaine pulls away from you. “Thanks for dinner, Tina. It was delicious. Sam, don’t let them get you down. You’re smart and incredibly talented. You’ve got this.” 

Sam gives Blaine a toothy grin and his eyes crinkle at the corners and claps him on the shoulder. “Thanks man.”

Blaine glances between the two of you again and smiles. “I’ll see you later. Bye Titan.” He says reaching down to scratch the dog’s head. Sam shuts the door behind him. 

He chuckles. 

“What?” You raise your eyebrows at him. 

“We should definitely never tell Blaine that we made out again.” He says, dissolving into laughter. 

“Right! Did you see that look he gave us? I’ll be sure to never look at you while I’m singing, ever again, or he’ll think that we’ve gone and gotten married without telling him and ruined our threesome.” You give him an exaggerated pained expression before laughing along with him. 

 

**Thursday, September 19, 2013**

You emerge from your room dressed in one of your favorite sleeveless shift dress, solid navy blue with an asymmetrical collar, and a pair of nude pumps that you pair with pearls. You decided to curl your hair into soft waves and thank God that you don’t have bangs anymore. 

You walk into the living room to find your early bird roommate in front of the TV with a fruit salad. 

“How do I look?” You hold your arms out to the side and spin around slowly. 

“Totally hot. Is this for your interview with the Vogue lady?” He asks. 

You nod. “I’m not sure if I should be more daring with my fashion choices or classic. I mean, she hired Kurt and he always goes bold. Oh God, I should change.”

“Tina, you look great. Don’t change. You’re going to get the job. If Kurt can do it, you can do it. You’re both equally dramatic and fashionista-y.” He smirks at you, taking a bite of cantaloupe. He holds out a piece of the fork for you and you lean down to bite it off. 

“Ugh…mewon. I ‘ate mewon.” You says, struggling to swallow. 

He laughs as you clomp over to the kitchen in your heels. You haven’t worn any in a while. New York streets aren’t exactly heel friendly. You’re not sure how so many women wear them all the time. 

You pour yourself a cup of coffee and glance at the time on the microwave. 9:03. You decided that this is way more important than your Zumba class so you’re skipping that this morning to make your ten o’clock interview. 

“Okay, gotta go. I’ll see you when you get off work!” You hurry out of the door, shutting it so that Titan can’t get out. 

After a seemingly quick ride on the subway, you walk up to the very tall, official looking building. You take a deep breath and push the door open and take the elevator to the 32nd floor. 

With another deep breath, you plaster on a confident smile and walk up to the front desk. 

“Tina Cohen-Chang, I’m here to see Isabelle Wright.” You say brightly.

“I’ll let her know you’re here.” The receptionist says, pointing toward a couch for you to wait. 

You sit and glance nervously at the Vogue magazine on the table. Kurt had come over last night to give you a few tips after Isabelle’s receptionist had called you yesterday morning. He pretty much just told you to be real. Isabelle is surprisingly unlike most pretentious New Yorkers in the fashion industry. She’s down to earth and cares about more than just sales. 

“Tina, you can come on back.” A new woman appears at the doorway and gestures for you to follow. She leads you down the hall and into Ms. Wright’s office. 

“Tina, hi. It’s nice to meet you.” She says, grasping the hand you’ve extended. 

“It’s so nice to meet you too. Thank you for taking the time to see me.” 

“So, tell me a little about yourself. Why are you interested in this internship?” She asks you, leaning back in her chair. 

You start telling her about FIT and about making costumes for Glee club. She interjects a few times with tidbits Kurt had told her about the Glee club. You’re taken aback by how soft-spoken and friendly she is. She’s nothing like some of the others in this industry. 

“I like this look, by the way.” She points at you and then up and down. “It’s simple and understated, but classy and elegant. Do you have a sketch book or something with some of your work in it?”

“Yes!” You lean over to pull your sketch book from your oversized bag. “I have a lot of sketches and some photos of actual pieces I’ve designed and made for the Glee club.”

You hand the book to her. She starts flipping through pages. 

“It seems like you like costumes and evening wear the best.” She comments.

“Yes, that’s always been what I liked to design. And then with Glee club, I made a lot of costume-like dresses for competitions. I worked on some actual costumes when we put on actual theater shows, like Rocky Horror, West Side Story, and Grease.” You tell her. 

She smiles. “I like this one a lot.” She points to a recent sketch of a long ball gown and looks up at you. “What inspired this?”

You shake your head and shrug. “I don’t know. I just get my inspiration from some of my favorite designers and a couple of my friends are actually on Broadway…I’d love to make dresses for big events, like the Tony’s or any red carpet event. I’d love to see some I made on someone famous walking down the red carpet one day.”

She smiles warmly at you. “I think Kurt is right about you. You have real talent and you’re going to go far in this industry. I can’t believe I’m saying this…two kids from Lima, Ohio in the same year. Tina, you’re hired.”

You grin broadly. “Really? Thank you so much! You will not be disappointed.”

You talk with Isabelle a little longer about the hours you’ll be working. You both decide that you’ll come in from 1 to 6 on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and you’ll occasionally work on the weekends if there is an event going on, like Fashion Week. You mouth falls open at the mention of that. It’s always been your dream to go to New York Fashion Week. 

You thank her a few more times before gathering your sketch book and your bag and making your way back down to the street. You immediately pull out your phone and tap Kurt’s name in your list of contacts. 

“Hello?” He answers.

“Kurt! I got the job!” You squeal in to the phone. Your ears are assaulted by his own squealing in return. 

“Tina, that’s amazing! Now I have an excuse to see Isabelle again! I knew she’d love you.”

“Thank you so much for getting me an in with her. She’s so sweet and down to earth.” You tell him. 

You chat with Kurt for a few more minutes about what to expect when you actually start on tomorrow before you hang up and tap your mom’s number. You excitedly tell her that you got the internship too. You fill her in on the latest news from New York. You’re averaging about one phone call home a week. You should probably call more, but you get so caught up in your new busy life that by the time you have a break, it’s midnight when you remember you were going to call. 

“I’m so proud of you honey. I miss you so much and I love you.” Your mom says after your chat.

“Thanks Mom. I love you too. Tell Dad to call me tonight.” You hang up the phone and make your way back to FIT for your afternoon classes. 

You take your usual seat on the left side in front of a mannequin body for your apparel design I class. Christina, a girl you met on the first day, sits down in her usual spot beside you. 

“I hope we get out early today. Something is filming down the street and I want to see celebrities!” She grins at you. 

“Oh, do you know what it is?”

“No, but I’m assuming there will be someone famous out there.” She laughs. You chat with her until your professor comes into the room. 

He gives you a few instructions before telling you to work on your individual projects. You grab extra fabric from the shelves in the back of the room and work on shaping a piece by draping the fabric on the mannequin. 

Christina chatters away next to you. You don’t pay much attention to her because she likes to talk more than work and you’ve always been the kind of student that takes your work seriously. You smile and nod when appropriate though. 

After a while she realizes that you’re pretty focused on your work and she talks to the girl who sits on the other side of her. You get caught up in your own thoughts about Isabelle and how much fun it’ll be to work for her. 

You think about your therapy session earlier in the week and try to remain optimistic about your recovery. Dr. Jameson seems to know what she’s doing and you feel extremely comfortable. Some people have that vibe about them. They make you feel comfortable even when you know nothing about them. 

You continue to work quietly on your assignment as your professor walks around to observe. 

“Nice work.” He says, passing by your mannequin. “Very clean.”

You smile at him. He doesn’t give the same compliments to Christina. 

Your mind wanders again. 

You were startled awake by another nightmare last night, but you hadn’t screamed this time. You laid in your bed for a while trying to slow your heartbeat but you couldn’t get his face out of your head. You considered getting up and asking Sam if you could sleep in his bed, but you know you have to learn to cope on your own. You love how close you’ve gotten to Sam and how much you feel like you can trust him, but you know it’s important to rely on your own two feet to hold you up instead of relying on him every time. 

You feel like not screaming was a slight improvement though and you decide to treat it as such. They’re happening less and less these past few days. You feel like the less nightmares you have, the better you’re getting. You like that thought: getting better.

You’re pulled from your thoughts as your professor tells you that you can leave early. You walk out into the busy New York streets again and push a pair of sunglasses on your face. You still have your interview dress on and you feel like a million bucks. 

You smile to yourself. You almost feel like you’re figuring it all out. You landed an amazing internship, you’re going great in your classes, you’re working on getting better, and you have the best friends. You feel happier than you have been in a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, obviously everyone in the real world knows that Tina would not have waltzed into Vogue.com and just get a job like that. But I'm taking a page out of Glee's book and just giving it to her like they gave it to Kurt.
> 
> Song Credits:
> 
> Safe and Sound - Capital Cities


	6. Pull Me Down

**Thursday, October 17, 2013**

It’s close to five when you finally trudge back into your apartment. It was a long day. You had dance class in the morning and then class all afternoon and the work load has increased tenfold. Because of your internship at Vogue.com, you hardly have any time to work on homework half of the week so Tuesdays and Thursdays are homework days. 

On top of the crazy workload, midterms are coming up. Since this is obviously your first semester in college, you have no idea what midterms will be like. At least, not in your psych, French or calculus classes. Your fashion midterms are mostly projects that you’ve been working on, or slacking on, for a while. And, of course, you’re seeing Dr. Jameson once a week and that eats up some of your time too. 

You close the front door to find Sam and Santana standing in the living room staring at each other. 

“What—” You start to say as you back up a little to avoid letting the dog jump on you, but you’re cut off by Santana’s hand flying up to wave you off. 

She starts talking in a serious tone about people you’ve never heard of. You squint at them and tilt your head. You have no idea what’s going on. Sam responds to her and throws his hands up angrily, but then grabs her face with both hands and kisses her. 

Your mouth falls open as Santana pulls away. 

“Okay, that was a little better, but please for the love of all things holy, keep your tongue to yourself Froggy Lips.” She rolls her eyes at the blond boy. 

“Um what the hell?” You’re still staring at them. 

“Santana’s my scene partner for our script analysis midterm.” Sam turns and looks at you, making a very unenthused face. “And I have to kiss her.”

“Oh please, at least I’m a girl.”

“You might have boobs, but that doesn’t mean I want to kiss you.” Sam scoffs. 

“Yeah and I had enough of your gigantic salamander lips back during junior year.” She rolls her eyes again. “I’m a lesbian. This is awful for me.”

Sam shakes his head. “Tina, would you help me hide a body if I ever killed anyone?”

You laugh and shake your head before turning and walking towards your room. After changing, you reemerge with your sketchbook and psychology textbook and sit down at the table. 

“Look neither of us wants to kiss the other, especially not since you have those humongous frog lips that are probably going to engulf my entire head, but you have to make it a little more convincing. You’re supposed to be in love with her and want her to stay.” Santana rants to Sam. 

You flip open your psychology book and start looking over the last chapter, trying to block them out, but at the same time they’re incredibly entertaining. 

“Santana, you could probably help us out by not acting like you hate it. And your lips are way bigger than mine anyway.” Sam gives her an exasperated look. 

Santana crosses her arms over her chest and looks at him, then to you.

“Tina, come here. I’ll read my part and then you step in. Trouty, kiss her instead and so I can see what you’re doing wrong.”

“What wait?” You say, furrow your brow. 

“You’ve kissed him before, it’s not a big deal. It’s just acting.” Santana throws a look at you. Sam just shrugs. 

“She might actually have a point.” He says.

You groan. “Fine. Just use me as your kissing dummy. It’s fine.”

Santana situates you behind her and they begin their scene. It’s basically a lovers’ quarrel and in the end the guy kisses the girl wanting her to give him another chance. 

During Sam’s final line, Santana moves aside and pushes you forward. Sam has his best crazed and exasperated face on as he cups both of his cheeks in his hands and slams his soft lips into yours. Your stomach somersaults. He tilts his head to the side and your hands find their way to rest on his forearms. 

After a few seconds, he pulls away keeping his eyes on yours. You’re not sure if the expression on his face is real or not. He looks nervous and slightly conflicted. 

Santana starts clapping slowly pulling you both out of the moment. You jerk your heads to the side to look at her. “Bravo. Obviously Tina should step in every time because that was convincing. You’d think that the two of you actually like sucking each other’s faces.”

You make a face at Santana, even though your stomach won’t stop flip-flopping. He may have been acting but you weren’t. You were just responding to the kiss. You want his hands on you again. Like your drunken encounter on the couch, he’s awakened something that you haven’t felt since before you and Mike broke up. You feel something that has nothing to do with any romantic feelings and everything to do with the tingling you’re feeling below your bellybutton. 

“Well Satan, it’s probably because Tina is nice to me so kissing her isn’t awful.” Sam says scowling at her slightly.

Santana grins a little more. “Isn’t awful or you like it?”

Sam glares at her but doesn’t respond. 

She chuckles. “Wanky.”

“Guys, I think you both need to figure out a way to fake it. You have to pretend that you don’t hate each other for a second and make it convincing. Santana, pretend he’s Brittany. Sam, pretend she’s…someone else. Do it again.” You steady your voice and nod to both of them before sitting back down at the table. You watch their millionth attempt at perfecting the scene. They have the fighting part down perfectly and Sam now makes the best exasperated face, because she’s actually driving him crazy. And then they kiss. It was slightly better. Sam is much more convincing, but Santana is still making a face. 

“Santana, stop scrunching up your face like you’re disgusted. Sam, that was better.” You tell them. 

Santana sighs and sits down on the couch. “I just…I haven’t kissed my actual girlfriend in like two weeks and instead I’m over here having to kiss you.”

Sam sits beside her. “I mean, I’ve kissed Brittany too so it’s almost like kissing her. Just remember that.”

Santana narrows her eyes at him but then catches his infectious grin. “I hate you Sammy Evans…” She stands up. “I have to go. I have to get to the theater. Thank God it’s my last week of this Funny Girl bullshit.”

“You’re done with Funny Girl?” You ask her.

“Yeah, I signed a six month contract. Rachel signed a year long contract. I’m so done with standing in the wings and watching her sing songs that I’ve painstakingly memorized, but it’s not like I’d actually steal the show away from her. My dream is not Broadway…Trouty, feel free to keep practicing on Tina. I’m guessing you’d both enjoy that.” She chuckles and raises her eyebrows. “But no practicing on the dog. It’s bad enough that I’m going to get froggy germs from you, I don’t need any doggy germs too.”

You throw a pencil in her general direction as she makes her way to the door. “Byeeee.” She singsongs before laughing and shutting it behind her. 

Sam grins at you. You return the smile and look back down at your books. Your head feels like it’s spinning. You want to kiss Sam again. 

 

**Monday, October 21, 2013**

But you don’t kiss Sam again. Not until after dinner Monday evening when he asks you to help him practice again since his and Santana’s midterm performance is tomorrow. 

You’re sitting at the table sketching when you see a pair of black converse clad feet heading your way after taking Titan out for his nighttime walk. You slowly let your eyes wander up his body, enjoying how the dark wash jeans and black and gray baseball t-shirt cling to his chest, until you reach his face. He gives you a goofy grin. You watch his lips as they move. 

“Hey, can you help me with this scene again? We have to perform it tomorrow and Santana’s working tonight. She got her job back at Spotlight so now I get to see her even more.” He widens his eyes, raising his eyebrows and rubbing his lips together. You haven’t been able to get them out of your head all weekend. Fortunately, you’ve both been busy with your midterms so you haven’t had too much of a chance to really dwell on it until now. 

You nod. “Yeah, I can help. Although if I’m going to be kissing you, I’m going to need a drink.” You chuckle nervously and go to the kitchen and start pouring vodka and cranberry juice into a glass. 

“Do you want any?” You ask him.

“Yeah, not strong though. I need to get this right first, then maybe I’ll have another.” He smiles.

You pour him one too and meet him in the living room. He takes a sip and you take a gulp of your own. You’re getting jittery about kissing him. This is exactly what you had wanted, to kiss him again. He hands you the script, even though you basically know it by now too. 

You go through the motions, trying to act Santana’s part out to the best of your abilities, which isn’t much. You were never much of an actress even if you are a drama queen. 

You watch him as he acts out his part, nearly perfect. Even discounting his impressions, he’s a great actor. He conveys emotions in his face very well. Charlie and Maria, the characters, are on the verge of breaking up, not for the first time. They’re both tired of trying to fix everything. But the scene ends with them kissing, leaving the audience to judge whether or not they would be together. After Sam’s portrayal of Charlie’s kiss, you would think they’d be together. You imagine it all has to do with how the characters are portrayed. 

“Charlie, I can’t do this! We’ve done this a million times and I’m tired!” You yell, trying to make a convincing argument for the sake of Sam’s acting. 

“Maria! Just…” Sam groans and reaches forward with both hands to pull your face towards his. His kiss is forceful because Charlie is desperate, but Charlie’s kiss is supposed to then slow and become gentle and delicate before they pull apart and gaze at each other. Sam doesn’t slow down. In fact, he moves his hand to cup the back of your head and kisses you harder, almost a little frantically. 

He inhales sharply and pulls away from you. “Sorry…I…that’s not how I was supposed to do it. I’m…uh…nervous I guess.”

You’re a little breathless. You glance up at him and take a deep breath. “It’s okay…don’t be nervous. Try again.” 

He nods quickly before taking a gulp of his vodka cranberry. You do the same. You’re completely caught off guard by how desperate his kiss was. You’re almost sure that kissing you is having some sort of effect on him too. He’s an excellent actor and has the rest of the scene down perfectly, until the kiss. He even did well with kissing Santana the last time they’d practiced it. You can’t help but wonder if he messed up on purpose so he’d have to do it again. 

“Okay, let’s try again.” He says, bouncing on his toes nervously after he kicks off his shoes. 

You nod. You take your place and run through the lines again. His performance is convincing and believable and then it’s time. 

He says his last line and cups your cheeks in his hands. His lips crash into yours forcefully but then he does what Charlie is supposed to do and he slows down. He pulls away slowly and his eyes linger on your lips. 

“That was gre—” You start but his lips are on yours again. This isn’t in the script. It only takes a moment for what’s happening to register in your brain and you respond. His lips move excitedly with your own. You wrap your arms around his neck and feel his hands at your sides then your lower back as he pulls you into him. 

You deepen the kiss, teasing his full lips with your tongue. You run your fingers into his blond hair, pulling his face down into yours. Slowly you start to move with him towards the hallway. He seems to sense what you’re doing and reaches down with both hands and picks you up. You wrap your legs around his waist, never breaking the kiss. 

You feel your back lightly hit the front door and he pushes into you. He moves again to the doorway of his dimly-lit bedroom, still carrying you, his hands wrapped firmly around the back sides of your thighs. He shuts the door behind him so Titan can’t get in.

You moan softly into his mouth as gently lays you down on his bed on your back. He starts to pull away but you tighten your hold around his neck and pull him down on top of you. You spread your legs slightly so he can lay between them. Your stomach flip-flops with butterflies and excitement as you feel his body press harder into yours. 

Finally, he pulls away slightly. “Are you sure this is okay? Do you want to stop?” He asks you breathlessly. 

“Please don’t stop.” You moan back to him before lifting your head to capture his lips again. 

You drag your fingers down his back until you reach the hem of his shirt. You pull it up and over his head, your lips only parting to completely remove his shirt. You run your fingers lightly down his sides, which makes him squirm. 

He giggles and twists sideways. “Stop! I’m ticklish.”

You grin and put your hands on his sides more firmly. 

“You’re like 100% positive this is okay?” He looks at you seriously again. 

“Yes, I’m like 1000% positive, Sam.” You look him in the eye. He leans down to kiss you again. You let your hands wander over his shoulders and down his chest. 

You feel his hands move to your back before he seamlessly flips you both over so that you’re straddling him. He pulls at the bottom of your shirt and slips it over your head. You press your torso into his. You get chills when his bare skin makes contact with your own. 

You feel his thumbs loop in the waistband of your sweat pants. He pulls them down slowly, leaving your underwear in place. He rolls you both over again and pulls them all the way off. Your fingers immediately find the button of his jeans and push them down. 

You freely allow your eyes to take in the glorious sight as he stands and steps out of his jeans. His abs are literally glistening. You get a familiar tingling in your lower abdomen as your eyes linger at the waist band of his briefs. 

Somehow he crawls back on top of you and flips you both over in one fluid motion so that you’re back on top of him. His hands creep behind your back as you kiss him more and fiddle with the clasp of your bra for a moment before you feel it come undone. The straps slide off of your shoulders and you sit up slightly allowing it to fall down your arms before you throw it to the floor. 

“Finally, after 3 years, I get to see your boobs.” Sam grins broadly, clearly blushing. “Victory.”

Your mouth curves into an embarrassed smile. “Victory.” You whisper as you lean back down to kiss his full lips. 

You can feel him between your legs, which sends a jolt straight through your core. You want this. You want him. You haven’t felt like this about anyone since before Mike graduated. You weren’t sure if you’d ever feel like this again, but you do. 

You reach down and slip your fingers into the elastic band of his briefs. You tug a little and he helps you slide them down and he kicks them off. _Sam Evans is naked and I’m on top of him._

You giggle at the thought.

He smiles a little and narrows his eyes. “What’s funny?”

“You’re naked.” You say, feeling your face redden.

“You’re not.” He says, raising his eyebrows. You move so that you’re not straddling him and slide your underwear down. He reaches over to his nightstand and procures a condom. You take the opportunity to rake your eyes over his flawless body again, taking in every inch. You breath catches and your eyes meet again. 

“Are you—” He starts, again. 

You nod and pull him down and on top of you breathing into his lips, preventing him from asking if you’re sure again. You haven’t been so sure of something in long time. You both exhale sharply when it happens. Your mouth falls open and your breathing matches his pace as he rolls his hips into yours. He groans softly as he pushes his body into you. His lips meet yours again and frantically dance together. You rake your fingernails over his back lightly and kiss his neck. You can feel his labored breaths in your ear as you nibble on his ear lobe. 

He rolls you both over again so that you’re on top. You sit up and arch your back, watching him as his eyes rake over your body. He grabs your hips and moves you with him, keeping pace with the thrusts of his hips. Your hands find their way to his abs again and you lower yourself so that you’re resting on his chest. You place wet kisses up and down his jaw, breathing heavily into his ear. You hear him moan softly as you lightly bite his neck. His hands slide down your back until they reach your butt. He cups both cheeks, not unlike how he cupped your face during his kissing scene. You grin and nuzzle your face into his neck, but a change in pace causes you to cry out, wiping the smile from your face. 

His lips make contact with your jaw and move down to your chin which makes you turn your head. Your lips meet and he kisses you feverishly, his breathing hitching. His kiss deepens and slows with his pace, and you feel him shudder slightly. He inhales deeply through his nose as he kisses you slowly. You nuzzle your face into his neck and both lay still for a minute.

You lift your head slightly to look at him. “That was…hot.” You breathe. 

His green eyes stare back at you intensely as he nods slightly. Then he starts to grin. “We just…wow Blaine would really kill us.”

You laugh. “I’m more concerned with the fact that you’re thinking about Blaine while you’re laying here naked.”

He laughs which causes a sudden movement that sends a jolt through your core. You inhale sharply. 

“Okay, let me…move…” You struggle to climb off of him. You immediately curl up under his sheets, covering your naked body. You’re feeling a little self-conscious now. 

He stands up and starts to walk to the bathroom. You tilt your head and admire his cute butt and smirk. Titan bounds into the room and onto the bed as soon as Sam opens the door. 

“Sit, Titan.” You say to the dog sternly, as Sam disappears into the bathroom. Titan curls up at your feet. You don’t exactly want to snuggle with a dog while you’re naked. You lean off the bed and grab Sam’s shirt and pull it over your head. It smells like him. 

You heart is still beating wildly but your head is surprisingly clear. Neither of you had enough to drink to have much of an effect on your thoughts or actions. Sex with Sam had been amazing and you didn’t feel the slightest twinge of regret. You’re comfortable with him and you trust him. 

Titan lifts his head as Sam walks back into the room wearing a pair of pajama pants that hang low on his hips. 

“Nice shirt.” He says, after reapplying chapstick and crawling into his bed with you. 

“Thanks, I just found it.” You joke, shrugging a shoulder. 

“Are you okay? Like really? I don’t want to do anything you’re uncomfortable with…” He studies your face tentatively. 

You nod, giving him a smile. “I’m great, Sam.”

He smiles back at you and holds an arm out for you to scoot into. You lay your head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat and slowly drift to sleep. 

 

**Tuesday, October 22, 2013**

You jolt upright drenched in a cold sweat, breathing rapidly. Sam is awakened by your sudden movement and sits up next to you. 

“Hey, what’s wrong? Another nightmare?” He asks you, putting his arm around your shoulders. 

You take a deep breath to steady yourself and nod. It was the same nightmare, only this time you actually watched the whole scene unfold, from start to finish. You watched him hurt you and humiliate you, then laugh in your face as he left the room. 

Sam runs his hand up and down your arm trying to comfort you. You glance up at his face. He’s staring down at the bed with his lips slightly parted. He turns his head and looks into your eyes. He almost seems upset. You sigh and lay back down. He lays with you, wrapping an arm around your waist. You drift in and out of sleep for the rest of the night. 

 

The next morning you’re not feeling quite as confident about last night’s decisions as you were before you went to sleep. Your thoughts immediately goes to your therapy appointment in a few hours and you start to panic. Is this good or bad for your recovery? You probably shouldn’t be doing this. You should be focusing on getting better. You had another nightmare. You can’t help but think that it’s because of your steamy hookup with Sam. You hadn’t had a nightmare in weeks until last night. 

You shake your head. It’s not his fault. You wanted it too. You had made that perfectly clear.

You sit up and make your way into your own room to get your workout clothes. You change and brush your teeth, not bothering to do much with your hair or makeup until after dance class. The front door closes and Titan’s nails tap on the hardwood floor. You slip out of your room with your bag. 

“Hey.” Sam says, a little nervously, looking you up and down.

“Hey.” You say back. “I’m going to go…”

You slip around him and grab the door handle, pulling it open. 

“Wait, are you okay?” His eyes widen. 

You nod quickly. “I’ll see you tonight.”

You slip out into the cold October morning and walk the two blocks to the subway. You almost considered skipping dance because you didn’t feel like talking to Santana or Kurt, and especially not Blaine. Some of them was bound to sense something was up and grill you about it. But you know getting out of the apartment sooner rather than later will help you clear your head. 

The subway is crowded so you stand holding on to the pole near the door. You pull your bag in front of you, out of the reach of the homeless man who’s sleeping on one of the rows of seats. After a ten minute ride you reach your stop. You climb the stairs back into the cold air and zip your hoodie up higher. 

You take a deep breath and plaster on an inscrutable look to avoid questions and push the door to the dance studio open. Santana is already in your usual corner sitting on the floor stretching. 

“Hey Tiny Tim.” She smiles smugly at you as you sit down beside her. That’s a new nickname.

“Hi Satan. Ready for your midterm?” 

“Ready for it to be over so I don’t have to suck on those froggy lips ever again. He better be ready.” She rolls her eyes. 

“He’s been practicing.”

“With you? Wanky.” She smirks again, chuckling to herself. 

“That’s not what I meant.” You glare at her. You feel your face reddening as you remember Sam’s sighs in your ear and all of the kissing you did last night. 

Luckily, Blaine and Kurt walk in a moment later so Santana drops the subject, knowing that she should probably spare Blaine the details of your not-so-fake make-out session. 

“Hi ladies.” Blaine says with a grin as he sits down on the floor. Santana flashes him a faux sweet smile. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Kurt asks the Latina girl. She rarely offers them smiles without some sort of insult attached to them. 

“Just ready to nail my midterm today.” She says, her eyes flickering to you. Maybe she isn’t going to drop it after all. 

“Is this for your script analysis class?” Kurt asks. “Sam told me about it at work. He said you have to kiss.” He chuckles. 

“Gross. What is the deal with everyone always kissing Sam?” Blaine says, giving you a pointed look. You smirk and look away. If only he could read your mind, he’d know just how much kissing you’ve been doing. 

“Okay Gay Blaine, your obsession with who Trouty Mouth is macking on really makes me questions whether or not you’ve gotten over that crush of yours.” Santana says to him, making a face. 

Blaine turns red but puts an arm around Kurt. “You know that I’m happily engaged to the love of my life so I don’t even know why you’d bring that up.”

“Well babe, she does kinda have a point.” Kurt raises his eyebrows at his fiancé. You roll your eyes. Leave it to Santana to make every situation as awkward as possible.

“Kurt! You know I only love you.” Blaine whines as they walk to the middle of the room as Pierre enters. 

Santana chuckles. “Well, my work here is done.”

You shake your head at her, exhausted by her constant attempts to stir up drama. “Why?”

She just gives you a coy grin and begins lunging, following Pierre’s routine. “Now he won’t mention it any more so you don’t have to worry about him knowing about you and Trouty sucking each other’s faces.”

You glare at her. “Only to benefit you and your grade.”

“Uh huh.” She raises her eyebrows, but drops the subject. 

 

“Tina? Come on in.” Dr. Jameson gestures to you from the doorway of her office. 

You take your usual seat on the couch, kicking your flats off and sitting on your feet. 

“How are you today?” 

“I’m not sure. A little all over the place.”

“Can you explain what you mean?” She asks you. 

“I’m nervous and a little scared and excited…” You mumble. 

“What’s making you feel this way?” 

You take a deep breath. You feel a little awkward describing your sex life for someone who is basically a stranger other than the five other times you’ve seen her. You tell her anyway. 

“Last night…Sam and I had sex. It was completely consensual, but I’m so afraid of this messing up my recovery because I had a nightmare again.”

“How did you feel about it while it was happening?”

“It was great. I liked it…a lot. I felt fine about it afterwards too, but this morning I wasn’t sure. I just…haven’t felt that good in so long. I haven’t wanted to have sex with anyone in so long and then last night…it was great.”

“So what about your encounter is scaring you? Are you afraid of him?” She asks. 

You shake your head violently. “God no. Sam is one of the most gentle and caring people I’ve ever met. He asked a million times last night if I wanted to do it, making sure it was okay. It kind of made me feel broken…fragile. I don’t want him to have to ask a million times, but at the same time I’m glad he did…I guess I’m just afraid…I don’t know. I feel like sleeping with someone would have the opposite affect on my recovery.”

“What’s making you feel like it would jeopardize your recovery?” She asks.

“I don’t know…I guess it doesn’t really make sense. We’ve talked about how it’s important for me to make my own choices about sex, and doing whatever I’m comfortable with. And I am comfortable with this. I really liked it.”

“You’re right. An important step in recovering is realizing that you do have a voice and you can use that voice in whatever way you want. You are in charge of your sexual experience. You have the power to decide what, and who, you want to do or not do.” 

“So I can sleep with him if I want.” You say, not sure if you’re asking or telling her.

“It’s all completely up to you, and him obviously because his consent matters too, but yes. It’s your prerogative. You get to decide what you do with your body, no one else does. There’s no right or wrong answer as to whether or not you should sleep with anyone. It’s up to you. Whatever you feel is right or whatever you want to do.” She says. 

“But what about the nightmares?” You ask. “I mean it wasn’t like Sam was in the dream…it was still the same nightmare as before.”

“Well, we talked about this before too. They kind of come randomly, right?” She asks and you nod in reply. “This may have been completely random like the others, or the sex may have triggered that memory. It’s entirely possible. The sex may have triggered the memory simply because of actual sex act, even if it was completely different in context. Dreams are complex and we don’t always know how or why they occur.”

You nod slowly. “I guess there wasn’t ever a rhyme or reason to when they happened. They’ve happened after really good days and really bad days.”

“Which leads me to my next question, how has this past week been as far as how you’ve been feeling?” She asks. 

“It’s been pretty great actually. I actually do feel happy. I think it took a while being in New York to adjust but I feel so comfortable here now. Everything just seems like it’s going right. I think about it less now. I’m just so afraid of it all crumbling down…”

“Are you really living if you’re constantly living in fear?” She asks plainly. 

You shake your head. “No. I’m not. I have to stop being afraid and just live.”

 

You’re sitting on the couch with Titan’s head in your lap flipping through the channels. You stop on the new episode of New Girl. It’s ironic how Jess chose to live with three guys and ended up sleeping with one of them and here you are, living with a guy and you’ve slept with him. And God, it was hot.

Titan’s ears perk up when you hear the door knob jiggle. Sam strolls in in his red and black work uniform and immediately grabs Titan’s leash. 

“Hey.” He smiles softly at you. “Tite, come here boy. You wanna go for a walk? Yeah, you do.” His voice rises three octaves as he gestures for the dog to go to him, massaging his fingers into the dog’s scalp when he bounds over to him. 

You stand too and put on your shoes and coat. “I’m coming too, if you don’t mind.”

“Sure.” He gives you a skeptical look as he hooks Titan’s leash to his collar. You grab your keys to lock the door behind you and follow the boys out and down the stairs. 

Titan sniffs around the sidewalk as Sam walks him toward the small park a block down the street. 

“You never walk with us. What’s up?” He looks over at you. 

“I wanted to talk about last night…” You say. He opens his mouth to speak again, but you cut him off. “I talked to Dr. Jameson about it. I was so afraid that this was going to set me back and that it would make my recovery harder…but there’s really no reason that it should. A big part of my recovery is regaining my sense of control and that includes the control over my decisions about sex.”

“So…what does that mean?” He exhales and watches Titan as you near the park. 

“It means that I can do what I want. I’m a big girl and I can have sex with you if I want to. And obviously if you want to…”

“Do you want to?” He glances at you nervously, sucking his lips in. 

You feel yourself blush and look down at the sidewalk. “I want to…do you?”

“Seriously?” He gives you an incredulous look. “Of course, I want to. That was freaking hot.”

You grin at him. “Well, I have one condition…Stop asking me if it’s okay, just accept it if I say no. I’ll say no if I don’t want to, but please don’t get mad if I do say no…that would probably really set me back. But asking me makes me feel fragile and I don’t want to be fragile. I trust you. I know you’re not going to hurt me.”

He nods slowly, understanding what you’re saying. 

“So I can touch your boobs?” He grins deviously at you. 

“I’d say we’re a little past that Sam, but yes, you can touch my boobs.”

“So glad I finally noticed them.” He wiggles his eyebrows at you. 

“Took you long enough.” You giggle. “So just sex then, no strings attached. I mean we’re roommates and best friends…I like you, but not like that…”

“Those are literally the words most guys want to hear. Unless you’re Blaine, but then again, he even did that.” He nods to himself, wrinkling his chin up. 

Titan finishes doing his business and Sam leans down to scoop it up in the doggy bag before tossing it in the trash can.

“Gross.” You make a face. You both begin to make your way back to the apartment. When you’re less than a block away, you turn and grin at the tall, blond boy. “Race ya!”

You take of running down the sidewalk, which is nearly empty at the late hour. You hear Titan barking after you and Sam on your heels. He laughs as he just passes you since his legs are much longer than yours, and he’s an actual athlete. You sprint harder and nearly slam into him when he slows in front of your door. 

You lean over a little trying to catch your breath. 

“I win.” He grins and unlocks the door. 

“Oh I’m guessing you want a prize now.” You taunt him. 

“If it’s your boobs again, then I’m cool with that prize.” He grins a little wider. 

You take advantage of him wiggling the key out of the lock and bolt past him up two flights of stairs to your actual apartment door. You lean against it as he climbs up. 

“Looks like _I_ win.” You smirk, panting. 

“Guess you want a prize too.” He gives you a lopsided grin. 

Then before you know it your back is pushed hard against the door and Sam’s lips are on yours. Just like last night, he kisses you hard and excitedly. His leg presses against you, his thigh between your own legs, making you gasp.

You reach up and start unbuttoning his shirt, working your way down until his abs are exposed. Then you unbutton his pants. 

“The door…let’s go…inside.” He mumbles between kisses. He pulls back and let’s you move away from the door so he can unlock it. He follows you inside, slapping your ass on your way through the door. 

“Samuel Evans!” You squeal. He takes off and sprints around the table with Titan on his heels. 

“Oh you’re going to run, are you?” You smirk and raise your eyebrow. You shrug off your coat and grab the bottom of your shirt and fling it over your head. 

He smirks back and takes off back in your direction. You squeal and run into your room and jump under the covers. He’s right behind you and jumps onto the bed to tackle you. He flips the duvet back and starts tickling up your sides. You squirm and laugh, sliding your fingers in the waistband of his briefs, pulling him down on you. 

His lips meet yours again. The bed shakes as Titan jumps up and tries to get a few kisses himself. You bust out laughing in Sam’s face as Titan licks his cheek. You roll out of the way to avoid the doggy germs as Sam jumps up.

“Titan no!” He laughs. The bed shakes again as Sam gets off and leaves the room momentarily. He calls Titan into the hall, then slips back in shutting the dog out. You roll over to plug your iPod in and hit shuffle so that Mikky Ekko’s Pull Me Down fills the room.

“Aw poor Titan.” You make a faux pouty face and sniffle. 

“No! Do not cry!” He grins. Him telling you not to cry has become something of a running joke between the two of you and Blaine. There have been times when you’re out with the two of them and something will make you a little emotional and they’ll stop whatever they’re doing to do something outrageously stupid just to make you laugh. 

You grin just to have him lean in to kiss you. You push his unbuttoned shirt off of his shoulders and finish unzipping his pants as he fumbles to push yours down. This time he doesn’t bother with taking your underwear off separately, he just pushes them down along with your pants. You shove his pants and briefs down, letting him take them off as you rip open the little foil packaging. 

A soft whimper escapes your mouth as he pushes into you. Your fingers find the back of his head and cling to it as he picks up the pace. His lips trail down your jaw and onto your neck, sucking and biting lightly. You never imagined how amazing those full lips would feel on your skin. One of hands finds its way to your chest and squeezes. You know he’s been waiting a long time to do that. Your giggle turns into a gasp as he pushes in deeper. Your eyes meet just before your lips do. He kisses you forcefully, letting his tongue explore your mouth. You bite down on his soft lip, making him gasp. You both grin through your kisses. 

You can’t ignore the undeniable pleasure shooting through you. You feel like you’ve woken up from a long, awful nightmare in which sex was something to be afraid of. Something inside of you has been reawakened and you like how it feels. You like how Sam feels. 

You both move together as if in sync with one another to change positions. You both silently agree that now is the time to experiment and before you know it you’re in positions you’ve never thought of, but it feels fucking great. 

“Don’t stop.” You whimper as you both move again, tangling in one another. You’re positioned so that every nerve ending is being stimulated and you’re nearing the edge. Sam’s mouth falls open and his breathing hitches and it’s just enough to send you spirally down too. You shudder with pleasure and collapse on top of him, panting. 

“Did you…?” He asks, breathlessly. 

“Yeah.” You pant. You thought that was pretty obvious. You lay with your head on his chest still completely wrapped up in each other for a few minutes. His calloused fingers softly trace little circles on your sides. You sit up slightly creating a curtain of hair around both of your faces. 

You smirk at him. “That was fun.”

He smirks right back. “Yeah, I could get used to this. Although this is not what I pictured when I asked you to move in.”

You laugh a little before climbing off of him. “It’s not what I imagined when I agreed to it!”

“Yeah right. I’m pretty sure getting in my pants was your goal the whole time.” He jokes. 

You narrow your eyes at him as you stand up. You shake your head and slap your own ass before grabbing pajamas from your dresser. He laughs and gets up to use the bathroom, but not before slapping your ass too.

You slip on a McKinley Seniors t-shirt and a pair of plaid pajama shorts and look back at your bed. Your duvet cover is mostly on the floor and the sheets have come untucked from the corners. You smirk and start tucking them back in. Sam joins you and picks your duvet up off the floor and drops it on Titan who found his way onto your bed again. You flop down and pat the spot next to you for Sam to join you. You grab your phone off of the nightstand and start scrolling through Instagram. Sam does the same with his. Daft Punk’s Get Lucky plays softly from the speakers. He sings along softly as he scrolls through his phone.

“Look.” He says, grinning ear to ear as he holds his phone closer to you so you can see a picture his mom posted of Stevie and Stacey. 

“Aw how cute are they!” You smile. 

His lips pout a little. “I haven’t seen them in so long. I mean, I’m used to it I guess, considering I haven’t actually lived with my parents since the beginning of junior year. But it was so great being in Kentucky with them this summer. They’ve grown up so much.”

“Where have you been living all the time? I mean I know you were living with Finn…” You say.

“Yeah…I lived with Finn and Kurt during their senior year and pretty much all of ours too. Burt and Carole pretty much took me in like their own son. I lived there by myself for a little while…while Finn was away in the army and Kurt moved here. Then Finn came back so I wasn’t there alone and then he went to college so I was again. And then…” He pauses and sighs sadly. “I stayed with Blaine a lot. Being at that house was really hard. I don’t know how Burt and Carole do it. And he was their son…” 

You nod, staring up at the ceiling. “I don’t know if it’ll ever get easier for them.”

“Yeah, for any of us.” He says softly. 

You’re both quiet for a few minutes until he holds out his phone again. It’s another picture of his siblings, Stevie on his first day of middle school and Stacey on her first day of 4th grade. 

“He looks just like you.” You grin. You can almost feel Sam swell with pride. You feel a slight twinge of jealousy. You have an older sister, but she’s almost 12 years older than you. She was 14 when your parents adopted you and once you got older you always wondered if she resented you for interrupting her family. She was the only child for a very long time after all. You’ve never been very close with her, not like Sam is with his siblings.

“My mom made an Instagram account when I moved so she could see all of my pictures of New York and I could see them.” He smiles. 

“Well then you should probably post more pictures!” You say scrolling through your own feed. “Aw look at Marley, Kitty and Unique.” You say as you double tap the photo of the three of them together. 

“I bet it sucks not having a Glee club anymore.”

“I feel bad for them. They only got one year of it…and it was such a weird year.” You say, putting your phone down. Sam puts his down too and pulls you closer. You’re not sure how cuddling every night really works for no-strings-attached sex buddies, but he’s your best friend and you were cuddling before you had sex. 

“It was a weird year but I do miss Glee and everyone.” He says softly, wrapping an arm around you. You reach over and flip the lamp off and stare up at the dark ceiling. 

“Me too. But at least we still see half of them. I mean our ‘friendly threesome’ and Artie all made it here. And Hummelberry and Brittana.” You laugh quoting Blaine and the nicknames you all made up by smashing each other’s names together, like Finn once had with his own name and Rachel’s, Finchel, and his and Kurt’s names, Furt.

“I’m sure Blaine would like to get in this and make it an actual threesome.” He chuckles.

You swap at him playfully. “Oh he’d like to get in this with you.”

He laughs and you both reminisce on all of the times that Blaine was so obvious about his crush on Sam but thought he had it under wraps. 

“He was so afraid of me knowing even though he knew I wouldn’t care.”

“Yeah, but remember he was bullied a lot before he went to Dalton. I think that sometimes he has to remind himself that not everyone is like those guys at his old school.” You say. “You’re a great guy and it’s amazing that you didn’t care. Most guys would care.”

“I mean, I know I’m not gay so I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere. I kind of felt bad for him, but I’m pretty sure it was just because Kurt had broken his heart.”

“That’s pretty much exactly how I developed a ‘crush’ on him.” You start. “I also knew that he’s gay so sex wouldn’t ever even be on the table. I was pretty much afraid of most guys at that point. Blaine’s not like most guys, obviously, so I got attached.”

“That actually makes sense.” He says, nodding.

After a few minutes, his breathing gets deeper and steadier. He’s asleep. It’s a little confusing, whatever this is. You like Sam, but not like that. You just really like sex with him. But you also like cuddling with him because he’s warm and his skin is soft. You feel safe with him around and you have so much fun with him. He’s your best friend. With benefits. Best friend with benefits. You smile. You like the sound of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Credits:
> 
> Pull Me Down - Mikky Ekko  
> Get Lucky - Daft Punk/Chord Overstreet


	7. A Little Bit Stronger

**Thursday, October 31, 2013**

“Sammy!” You yell from where you’re impatiently waiting at the front door dressed in your recycled Katy Perry costume from Katy vs. Gaga week in Glee club inspired by the California Gurls music video. You’re pulling on a pair of sweat pants over the high wasted shorts and button your coat up. 

Sam walks out of his room with his arms spread wide. “Huh? Still looks great, am I right?” He throws his head to the side flipping his hair out of his eyes. It’s almost reached his original Bieber length again. 

He’s wearing the short gold shorts that were originally designed for him for the Glee club’s Rocky Horror performance before he got a more appropriate costume.

“Oh my god!” You squeal, laughing. “Those are so short. Way shorter than I remember.”

He wiggles his eyebrows at you suggestively before pulling on a pair of jeans over top of them and slips his coat over a t-shirt. 

“I wish I had my wings from Applause. I would have worn that instead.” 

“Oh yeah. You did look quite majestic, especially without a shirt.” You smile at him sweetly. He leans down and plants a kiss on your lips. Your stomach flip-flops and you make a face at him, but still smile. 

Half an hour later you knock on the door to Rachel and Santana’s apartment. You’re a little excited but also a little annoyed that they decided it would still be a good idea to have a party on a Thursday night. 

_Your phone buzzed with a text from Rachel. You skimmed over it quickly. Halloween party, cool. It buzzed again with a reply from Santana. And then again and again as the responses poured in. She had apparently sent it as a group text._

(Santana): _Are you serious Dwarf? A themed party? Gross. I’m not coming._

(Rachel): _Santana you live here. You have to come. And yes a themed party! It’s Halloween! The theme is costumes with a Glee club theme, and Elliott whatever you want to wear is fine too._

(Santana): _Oh well then you can just throw on an ugly animal sweater and some knee high socks and call it a day!_

(Elliott): _Sorry, can’t make it Rach, I’m going to a drag show!_

(Kurt): _And Blaine and I are going with him…_

(Rachel): _What?! You guys have to come!_

(Sam): _Me and T will be coming._

(Santana): _Wanky._

(You): _Inappropriate Santana._

(Artie): _I’ll be there, although I’m not sure what I’ll be wearing. I didn’t exactly steal any clothes from Glee club like you did._

(Blaine): _Sorry Rach. It sounds fun though! We’ll try to stop by for a few minutes. Elliott, Kurt, is that cool?_

(Elliott): _Cool with me._

(Santana): _Way to include my girl Brittany. She’ll be here too._

(Rachel): _Sorry, it’s a Thursday. I assumed._

(Kurt): _Guys, please stop responding. This is really irritating._

_You were sitting next to Sam laughing at all of your friends’ responses as they came in._

_“Guess we have to figure out what to wear.” You grumbled._

_“Oh I already have mine.” He winked at you._

_“What? What is it?”_

_“You’ll see.” He grinned broadly._

It’s a little after 8 when Rachel flings the door open wearing a dazzling smile dressed in her black and white Lady Gaga costume that Shelby Corcoran made her, complete with sunglasses. Her smile fades as she looks both of you up and down. 

“Where the hell are your costumes?” She demands. 

“Hi Rachel, nice to see you too.” Sam says walking in past her. 

“Rach, it’s freezing outside. We have costumes on. Mind if I put my stuff in your room?” You ask her. She’s smiling again and points down the hall. Sam follows you and you both take off the outer layer of your clothes, which for Sam is literally everything except for those golden undies. You pull a purple wig out of your bag and adjust it over the braid you twisted around your head. 

Sam gives you a thumbs up and you both walk back into the room. You’re met with cheers, since everyone else is already there, mostly for Sam since he is half naked. 

“Tina when did you wear that?” Rachel asks.

“Last year when we did Katy or Gaga week.” 

“Okay, I recall you not wanting to wear those when we actually did Rocky Horror, Sam.” Kurt eyes him up and down, wearing his costume from when he performed Le Jazz Hot. Blaine won’t stop staring at the nearly naked blond. 

“What can I say? If you’ve got it, flaunt it.” He grins and flexes his entire upper body. 

“Wow.” Blaine finally manages. Kurt elbows him. 

“Oh jeez, Winky Von Wondertwin, stop drooling. And what are you even supposed to be?” Santana snarks in Blaine’s direction. 

“Nightbird.” You and Sam deadpan in unison then both bust out laughing. 

“What is a night bird?” Rachel asks making a face. 

“His superhero alter ego. Mine was the Human Brain.” Brittany answers for him. She’s dress in her Whitney Houston silver mini dress and curly hair from when she and Santana performed Dance with Somebody. Santana, who is sitting beside her making a face at Blaine, is wearing her red dress complete with a flower in her hair from when she played Anita in West Side Story. 

“Okay…and what is yours from?” Santana makes a face in Artie’s direction. You obviously hadn’t been much later than the others since Santana was still trying to figure everyone out.

“San, it’s from when me, him, Tina and Mercedes did U Can’t Touch This in the library.” Brittany grins and tugs on Santana’s arm excitedly. 

Artie, dressed in metallic silver hammer pants and a royal blue jacket straight for the 80s, smiles and nods in Brittany’s direction. 

Santana makes a confused face at Rachel when the tall boy in the wacky suit interrupts.

“Okay guys, I’m sorry but we really need to go.” Elliott, whom you’ve only met once before, says gesturing to Kurt and Blaine, wearing a ridiculous top hat. 

“Elliott, wait! Before you go, could you take a picture of all of us? I really want to send one to Mr. Schue since we’re all dressed in Glee stuff.” Rachel smiles excitedly. You all line up together in the middle of the living room: Santana wraps both arms around Brittany’s waist, you wrap one around Brittany and the other around Sam’s hips, Rachel gingerly places her arm around Sam’s waist too and the other around Kurt, and Blaine puts an arm around his fiancé and the other hand on Artie’s shoulder. Sam puts both hands in front of his crotch and makes a surprised face. 

“Okay, count of three. One, two, three!” Elliott shouts. On three, you reach down and squeeze Sam’s ass, making him grin wider. After a nod from Elliott, Sam looks at you with a surprised and amused grin on his face, his lips smashed together tightly. 

“Bye guys!” The gay boys wave. 

“Later Starchild.” Santana wiggles her fingers at the boys. Rachel jumps up to hug all three of them before shutting the door behind them. They were serious when they said they’d drop by for a minute. You haven’t even been here for five minutes before they were out the door. 

“So I know this is kind of far off but what are you guys doing for Thanksgiving?” Artie asks. 

“Well me and San will be here.” Brittany says leaning into Santana. “We spent all of our money on our vacation this summer so we can’t go to Lima until Christmas.”

“Same. No money until Christmas.” Sam chimes in. 

You shrug. “I haven’t thought about it. But it could fun to stay if you guys want to get a turkey and have a friends-giving.”

“We did that last year and it was so much fun!” Rachel says grinning. 

“Yeah, I remember. Because you and Kurt didn’t come home like we all said we were going to.” Santana raises her eyebrows at her roommate. Rachel makes a serious face at her. Santana drops it immediately, realizing that she didn’t go back to Lima because of her break up with Finn.

“Well Kitty was thinking of coming up for the week. So maybe we could do that.” Artie smiles. 

“Oh my gosh that would be awesome! Aw I haven’t seen Kitty in so long!” You squeal. 

“And you’re sure that she’s not completely evil? Last I heard she was bullying girls into bulimia…” Santana looks at Artie questioningly. 

“Yes, she’s made some bad choices…none that were any worse than yours when you were a sophomore, but Glee club had the best possible effect on her. She’s actually pretty amazing.” Artie proudly defends his girlfriend. 

You smile. “She really is. She gave me her prom dress last year after I got Carried.”

“She is nice, San. She was on Fondue for Two, didn’t you watch that one?” Brittany stares wide-eyed at the Latina. Santana’s eyes widen. You realize Santana probably hadn’t seen that episode. That was when Brittany and Sam were together.

“Regardless, Artie, you and her, well all of you,” Rachel gestures to everyone, “are more than welcome to come here and we’ll have Thanksgiving here since we have the most space.”

Santana nods. “I’m not cooking though. You can’t make me.”

“But San…you’re such a good cook.” Brittany whines and gives her a pouty expression. 

You laugh as Santana reluctantly agrees. “Fine, but we’re having empanadas and rice and beans too.”

“Mexican Thanksgiving party!” Sam shouts. Brittany cheers with him. You and Rachel just laugh. 

Rachel and Santana go to the kitchen to mix drinks for everyone, leaving the four of you to chat amongst yourselves. An hour later you’re all one drink in and talking about life in New York. 

“I wish I lived here all the time! It’s so much fun, but I love Rutgers.” Brittany says, snuggling closer to Santana on the couch. 

“I’m so glad you’re close though Britt.” You say, smiling at the blonde. Santana turns and smiles at her girlfriend too. You know she’s glad they’re close again. 

“I love it here.” Sam chimes in. 

“Speaking of which, Samuel…now that you’re here I thought it would be no time before you and Berry hit it off. I mean, I happen to remember some actual, real chemistry between Man Hands here and your froggy lips when you and Gay Blaine visited.” Santana snarks at Sam. You glance at him. He narrows his eyes at Santana.

“Yes Santana thank you for so awkwardly pointing out a time when Sam and I may have shared a flirtatious smile.” Rachel say, rolling her eyes.

“You're very welcome.” Santana replies, sarcastically and condescendingly with huge grin on her face.

“And it's not that I don't think you're a fantastic guy, Sam, I just don't see how you and I could ever logically work as a couple.” Rachel smiles sweetly at Sam. 

“Puh-lease. He dated Mercedes, Quinn and me. We know he loves a drama queen and who's a bigger drama queen than you Hobbit?” 

“Guys, guys stop fighting. You're all great but Rachel, I agree. You and I would be a weird match.” Sam throws his hands up in defense, then gesturing to Rachel.

“Exactly. Santana I don't know why you're so concerned with setting Sam up with anyone anyway. You have Brittany now so there's really no need to play jealous match maker.” Rachel purses her lips and raises her eyebrows slightly, antagonizing Santana. 

The Latina narrows her eyes and clenches her jaw.

“I—” She starts.

Sam cuts Santana off. “I appreciate it, both of you. But Santana, Britt is yours. I love her but kind of like a sister that I dated…which is totally weird. But anyway I'm doing fine with the ladies on my own. I don’t need to be set up.”

“Is that even true lady Chang? Has he had any dates in the past month?” Santana tilts her head, eyeing you.

You glance at Sam. You're not sure if rolling around in your sheets last night counted as a date but you aren't about to tell them that.

“Yes he has. He went out with a very pretty girl last week.” You lie.

“Thank you Tina." He says with a secret smile. “Beautiful, actually.”

“Well then it’s settled.” Rachel makes a face at Santana.

You smile up at him, really flattered by what he said. He looks back at you and gives you a cute lopsided smile. You look away before Santana accuses _you_ of flirtatious smiles only to find Brittany’s eyes on you. She glances between you and Sam, the wheels in her head turning. 

You glance at Santana and Rachel. They’ve moved on and are chatting with Artie about school, or something. You stand and make your way to the bathroom. You stare at yourself in the bathroom mirror after washing your hands. _Beautiful, actually._ He’s really sweet. You shrug. You know it’s nothing. No strings attached.

You open the bathroom door and jump a foot in the air when you see a pair of bright blue eyes staring at you. 

“Jesus!” You nearly shout.

“No, it’s Brittany…So, how long have you and Sam been in love?” She says in a low whisper. 

“What?”

“You and Sam. I see the way you look at each other.”

“Britt…we’re not. We’re not in love or anything like that. We’re just friends.” You tell her. 

She’s quiet for a moment before she shrugs. “Okay, if you say so.” She’s not convinced, obviously.

She slips past you to go into the bathroom. You slowly walk back down the hall and glance at Sam. No, Brittany doesn’t know what she’s talking about. You and Sam haven’t done anything to make anyone think you’re anything other than friends and roommates. Obviously you’re close…you live together.

You find the rest of your friends singing some of the original songs you all made up for Glee club and laughing. 

“Guppy face…trouty mouth.” Santana sings, but doesn’t get any more out because she’s laughing so hard at the faces Sam’s making. He puckers his lips and then opens his mouth wide taunting Santana. “Seriously though, your mouth is fucking huge.”

You laugh and looking at Sam as you take your seat next to him again. “It really is kind of ginormous.”

He whips his head sideways to look at you, furrowing his brow and dropping his mouth open in a faux offended face. He grins and shakes his head. He procures his phone from out of nowhere and quickly taps on the screen. You look away before you can get too distracted by his bare abs.

You listen as Rachel recounts the story of her songs Only Child and My Headband. Santana is rolling on the couch laughing before she can even get the first line of Only Child out. 

You feel your phone buzz with a text. From Sam. 

_There are many advantages to having a mouth like this, and you didn’t seem to be complaining last night. ;)_

You quickly dim the screen as you feel the redness creep over your face as you remember his face between your legs and how good it felt to have that mouth on you. You smile and bite down on your bottom lip and peek at Sam. He’s watching you intently with a mischievous grin on his face. You glare at him with a smile, giving him your most incredulous look, only to catch Brittany’s eye again as she walks back in the room. 

She shakes her head and starts to clap. Artie seems to know exactly what she’s doing and claps along with her. 

“My cup, my cup. Sayin’ what’s up, to my cup, my cup…” She shimmies her hips in Santana’s direction. The Latina girl grabs them and pulls the blonde down into her lap. 

Artie looks at you and Sam. “You guys remember our acoustic version of Loser Like Me? That one was really good.”

“When did you sing that? Ugh, I hate that you guys had another year in the Glee club. We have no idea what you’re talking about.” Rachel whines.

“Rachel, you were there, but just not in the room. It was right before graduation, but just the four seniors.” You tell her, not chancing another glance at Sam with Brittany there. But your mind immediately goes back to grabbing the neck of his guitar and brushing his fingers with your own and those big green eyes on you as he sang. “We wanted one last song all together in the choir room.”

“That one was good. I miss the choir room and Mr. Schue.” Sam says. “We had a lot of good times in there.”

“Me too.” Artie chimes in. You nod. 

“Rach, do you know what Mr. Schue is doing now?” You ask her. She’s really the only one who stays in contact with Will Schuester other than a few texts and emails here and there. She was his star after all. 

“He took the teaching job at Carmel. He’s coaching Vocal Adrenaline.” She says sadly. 

“Trai-tor.” Brittany sing songs under her breath. Sam’s eyes widen and he nods vigorously in her direction. 

“I wouldn’t really call that being a traitor. He’s following his dream, just like he always told us to do.” Artie says. “He really pushed me to pursue directing and look where I am now. He has dreams too and he loves to teach. Kitty and some of the others were actually considering transferring just to be in his Glee club again.”

“Didn’t Kitty, Unique and Jake just transfer to McKinley like last year?” You ask.

“Yeah, I think they all did. Well, Kitty and Unique definitely did. I have no idea where Jake came from, but I guess so because he and Puck were never there together.” Artie says. 

“I miss those guys.” Brittany makes a pouty face. Sam nods in agreement with her again. You glance at the two other older girls. Santana looks bored and Rachel looks like she’s about to fall asleep. 

Artie sighs. Brittany snuggles into Santana and closes her eyes. You take this as your cue. You glance at Sam, catching his eye. 

“Are you ready to go?” You murmur. He nods. 

“This was fun guys.” He starts to stand. Rachel catches her second wind and jumps up to wrap her arms around Sam. 

“Thanks for coming and thanks for dressing up. All three of you look great.” She smiles warmly at you. 

“Bye ex-boyfriends and Tina.” Brittany says sleepily from where she’s laying on Santana. The tan girl rolls her eyes and waves. 

“Bye guys. See you Monday, San.” You say after grabbing your stuff from Rachel’s room. You quickly slip into your sweat pants and coat as Sam pulls on his own pants and jacket. 

Artie rolls ahead of you and leads the way to the elevator. “I’m going to tag along with you guys. My stop is like two before yours I think. It’s not exactly safe for anyone alone at night here, but the chair doesn’t help.” He looks down. 

Sam puts a hand on Artie’s shoulder. “We can walk you back to your place if you want.”

“No, it’s cool. I texted Andrew to let him know I was on my way. He’ll unlock the door and stuff. I can’t believe you guys still haven’t met my roommates though. They’re pretty great.”

You smile down at him. You’re so happy that he found his niche here. He found nerdy people just like him who love film and bossing people around. 

“Speaking of roommates…how is living together?” He asks as you board the subway. 

You glance at Sam and crack a smile. “It’s great actually. We get along really well.” _And the sex is amazing._ You think to yourself. 

Sam flashes his signature grin. “Tina’s one of a kind, that’s for sure.”

“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?” You swat at his chest. He giggles and jumps back, grabbing another pole for balance on the shaky train. 

“You’re one of a kind! That’s not bad!” He grins. You notice Artie smirking at the two of you. 

“Sam farts a lot and leaves sweaty gym clothes in the bathroom.” You laugh, making a face. 

Sam’s mouth falls open. “Yeah, well Tina snores so loud it wakes the dog up.”

You stick your tongue out and shake your head. “I do not snore.”

Artie is laughing at this point and Sam hops back over to where you’re standing and starts tickling your ribs. You shriek and laugh. You’re glad the subway car is empty aside from the three of you. 

“You two are crazy.” Artie finally manages after the laughter dies down. You wrap an arm around Sam’s waist and look up at him. 

“Good crazy, right?” You smile at him. 

“All right, all right, all right.” He winks, doing his best impression of Matthew McConaughey. 

You roll your eyes, but grin. You plop down in the end seat next to Artie and Sam starts swinging from the poles. You shake your head and watch him. Artie cheers him on as he nearly hangs upside down from the top bar. He grabs the vertical pole in the middle and starts doing his signature White Chocolate moves. You and Artie would probably try to sing a song in the empty subway car, but you can’t stop laughing long enough to do so. 

“I’m glad you guys made the whole roommate thing work out. I would have never guessed you two would be as close as you are though.” Artie comments, glancing between you and Sam where he stands in front of you. 

You smile and shrug. “Well living together will make you close.” You peek at Sam and give him a private smile. 

He nods, smiling too. “It really has worked out well.”

The train comes to a stop and Artie wheels towards the door. “This is my stop. See you guys later!”

“Text me when you get inside so I know you’re safe.” You call after him. He gives you an okay sign with a gloved hand. 

Sam finally sits down…in your lap. The train lurches forward and you both tumble into the seat beside you. 

“God, you’re crushing me.” You giggle, faking the sound of a struggle. 

His face is close to yours as he whispers, “You like it.”

You grin and make a biting gesture towards his nose. He pushes your head to the side with one hand and moves to lay across the seats with his head in your lap. You run your hand through his hair. 

“Your hair is getting long again.” You comment.

“I know. I wanted to wait until after tonight to get it cut. Rocky had longer hair!” He grins looking straight up at you. 

“Not going to rock the Bieber again?” You chuckle. 

“Definitely not. Poor guy really got into some crap, hasn’t he? I think I’ll pass.” He shakes his head against your thighs. 

Eventually you reach your stop and race Sam up the stairs and into the cold air. You nearly run into him when he stops on the sidewalk. He looks over his shoulder and holds his arms out; you hop on his back and let him carry you the rest of the way home. 

 

**Wednesday, November 20, 2013**

“Blainey days!” You squeak as you see the good looking boy in a dark gray pea coat, royal blue pants walking towards you down 5th Ave. He sweeps you up in a hug and squeezes you tightly. 

“Queen T. How is everything?” 

You both start walking toward American Apparel.

“Things have been good. Dr. Jameson is kind of an angel. I feel a thousand times better than I did before. I’m actually happy when I get up in the morning.” You tell him, smiling.

“Tina, that’s amazing. I’m just so glad you’re feeling better. Sam was telling me that he’s noticed a difference in your mood. He says you’re pretty happy and talkative all the time and not quiet like before.”

You stomach drops a little at the thought of Sam and Blaine talking about you. You obviously know Sam wouldn’t tell Blaine everything for fear of Blaine going off on both of you. But you wonder what else Sam says and thinks about you.

You nod. “I mean most of it is because of how much better I’m feeling, but a lot of it has to do with getting used to living with Sam Evans.”

He chuckles. “Yeah, good point. How is that going anyway? It’s been a few months now. Is it weird at all?”

 _It’s just great._ You think to yourself. _Literally all of my needs are being met._ “It’s going surprisingly well. I mean I’ve always liked Sam. He’s a sweetheart, but he’s fun to have around too. I actually think he might be part of the reason why I’ve been happier. It’s easy to be happy when you come home to not one, but two golden retrievers wagging their tails.”

Blaine laughs loudly. “He is a little like a puppy, isn’t he?”

You laugh too, nodding. “Working with Isabelle is amazing too. I just left there actually. I owe Kurt so much for getting this for me.”

“He loved it there. He talks about Isabelle all the time. I’m sure you’re awesome at the job.”

He holds the door of American Apparel open for you. You slip past him and start browsing. You usually skip this store altogether because of its ridiculous styles.

“Who wears this stuff?” You make a disgusted face at Blaine, holding up a dress that would not cover anyone’s chest.

“Someone model thin who isn’t concerned about being covered all that much…Santana?” Blaine says, scoffing a little. 

“She is so skinny. Skinnier than she used to be.” You say, nodding in agreement and move on to other items. Blaine finds the guys’ section; you’re betting that he’s looking for yet another pair of colorful pants that will inevitably be too short. You end up finding a black knee length circle skirt like you were looking for in a sea of mostly nonfunctional clothing. 

Taking a trip around the store, gawking at the posters that hang on the wall in which you can completely see the girls’ nipples, you find Blaine with, sure enough, a pair of blue and white striped pants and a seersucker bowtie. 

“How many bowties do you have and can possibly need?” You make a face at him. 

“They’re my signature look!” He whines. “I can’t wear the same one everyday.”

You roll your eyes and pay for your clothes. You only ever go shopping with Blaine because out of all of your friends, you and him are the only ones who can afford to, aside from Rachel. And by that you mean, your parents can afford to. 

You’ve only met Blaine’s parents a couple of times. They’re nice enough, but a little absent from their son’s life. His dad is a doctor, so he’s rarely home, and not entirely comfortable with Blaine’s sexuality. You’re not sure why. It’s been a long time since Blaine came out, but he never quite came around. His mom travels a lot for work and seems to spend a lot more time with his brother Cooper. They really only compensate by giving Blaine money. 

After stopping in a few more stores, you and Blaine make your way back to your apartment. You unlock the door to Titan jumping on you. 

“Teeeee-na? That you?” Sam yells from the kitchen.

“Me and Blaine!” You yell back. You never have any idea what might come out of Sam’s mouth so you mention Blaine just to be safe. 

“Hey man. I’m making lemon chicken and roasted veggies.” Sam greets him, coming around the corner as you and Blaine make your way into the living room. Sam smiles at you with tired looking eyes. He looks great in his burgundy v-neck and matching burgundy and navy blue plaid shirt, dark wash jeans, and brown boots. 

Blaine sits on his foot on the couch, leaning an elbow on the back so he can see the kitchen. The boys start chatting about things you don’t care about at all so you take your things to your room with Titan on your heels. 

“Hey buddy.” You kneel and say to the dog in a high pitched voice. “Did you miss me today?”

You kiss the top of the dog’s head and scratch behind his ears. You can actually kiss this golden retriever in front of Blaine without any problems. 

You pull on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt with a pocket on the chest that you’re not sure is yours. But it’s just solid white, so it doesn’t matter. You try to tiptoe back down the hall to eavesdrop on the boys, but you can hardly sneak around with Titan running past you to Blaine. You round the corner and into the kitchen. 

Sam turns around and sees you and his eyes get wider. “That’s my shirt.” He whispers. 

“Oh. Crap. I doubt he’ll notice it. Just don’t mention it. If he does…it was just a laundry mix-up.” You say quietly, grabbing the water pitcher from the fridge. 

Sure enough, Blaine takes no notice of your shirt. He and Sam joke around a little and you all talk about school, but Sam keeps yawning. 

“Are you okay?” Blaine finally asks him. 

“Huh? Yeah, just really tired. Must have overdone it this morning when I worked out.” He says resting his chin in his hand. 

“Well, Kurt has an audition coming up!” Blaine says excitedly after a moment.

“That’s amazing! What for?” You clap your hands together.

“For Pepper in Mamma Mia. It’s not the lead, but obviously he has to start somewhere. They just moved theaters and the guy who plays Pepper now is leaving soon.” Blaine grins, obviously proud of his fiancé. 

“Aw that’s so great!” You say. 

“Totally awesome. Which one is Pepper?” Sam grins.

“You’ve seen the movie right? He’s the younger guy who goes after the mom’s friend.” You say.

“Oh yeah. Wait, but how is Kurt going to play a black guy? Pretty sure black face is a little racist.” Sam asks making a confused face, then yawning again. 

“He’s just going to be white. They’ve had black and white actors playing the part of Pepper.” Blaine says matter-of-factly. Sam just nods.

“When is the audition?” You ask. 

“Next Tuesday. He probably won’t find out until after Thanksgiving. You guys are doing the friends-giving at Rachel’s right?” 

You nod. 

“Wouldn’t miss it, especially if there will be food.” Sam says, rubbing his stomach. 

“It’s going to be so much fun! I think Quinn may be coming in, but I’m not sure about Puck. Kitty definitely is though.” Blaine smiles. 

You all finish your dinner and Blaine stands and puts his coat on. “Sorry to rush, but I told Kurt I’d be home by the time he got there. He wants to review possible audition songs.”

You wrap your arms around him and he kisses you lightly on the side of your head. He squeezes Sam’s shoulder on his way out and scratches Titan’s head. 

“Bye guys. See you Saturday, Sam!” 

You grab Titan so he can’t escape the apartment as Blaine shuts the door behind himself. You lean against the back of the couch and look down to where Sam is still sitting at the table. 

“You sure you’re okay? You look exhausted?” 

“Yeah…I don’t know. I’m probably just going to try to sleep it off.” He says, standing. “Do you mind doing dishes and I’ll take Tite out?”

“That’s fine!” You chirp and clear the table. 

You hear the boys leave and then come back in less than ten minutes later. Titan’s nails tap against the floor as he comes to great you in the kitchen. You dry your hands and pet him behind his ears and walk back to your room to find Sam laying face down on your bed. 

You chuckle softly. Crawling up next to him, you slowly stroke his hair. He mumbles something unintelligible into the pillow.

“Why don’t you lose some of those clothes and you can sleep. Sound good?”

You sit him up and pull his flannel shirt off of his shoulders. He sits with his eyes closed, not unlike an overly tired 6 foot child. You manage to get his jeans off with minimal help from him and you pull the covers up to his chin. 

Titan curls up at his feet and rests his head on Sam’s leg. You flip the light off and slip into your side of the bed. Hovering over him, you kiss his forehead. He grabs your arm and slips it around him. 

“Night, T.” He sighs. 

“Night, Sammy.”

 

**Thursday, November 21, 2013**

You wake the next morning to find your bed empty. That’s not unusual since Sam is such an early bird and likes to get in morning jogs with Titan. You stretch, crawl out of bed, and head for the bathroom. In the hall you glance into Sam’s room. You realize Sam’s bed isn’t empty. He’s sprawled out on top of the covers with his arms splayed out at his sides without his shirt. Titan hops off the bed to greet you. 

“Sam…?” You tiptoe into the room. You gently shake his shoulder. 

He groans and peeks up at you. He grunts again and rolls over. 

“You’re usually up by now.”

“I’m sick…woke up pouring sweat so I came in here and turned the fan on. Freezing now.” He says, pulling his blankets over his bare chest. You put your wrist to his head and, sure enough, he’s hot. And not in his usual perfectly toned abs way, but the feverish way.

“My throat hurts too and my head feels like it might explode.” He squeezes his eyes shut tight.

Your care-taker instincts kick in immediately as you leave the room and hunt down cold medicine and pour him a glass of water. 

“Take this.” You say, handing him the pills and water. “I’m going to text Santana and let her know you’re not going to class and then I’m going to make you some soup.”

“You don’t have to…”

“I’m going to.” You say gently. “Lay back down and sleep some more.”

You grab your phone and take it to the kitchen with you. 

_Hey. Sam’s sick so he won’t be in class. I’m going to skip dance too._

She responds almost immediately. _Hmm both skipping out on life today? Interesting ;)_

_Oh shut up. He really is sick. I’m just making him soup._

_Only joking. Tell TM to feel better._ She responds. You set your phone on the table and pour yourself a cup of coffee from the automatic maker your mom bought for you. You love how it makes the apartment smell first thing in the morning. 

Rooting around in the cabinets, you find pretty much everything you need for soup. It’s actually Mike’s mom’s recipe. She swore by her special remedy and from your own experience, you do have to agree that it actually helps. 

You leave the soup simmering on the stove and plop down on the couch. You call your dad and chat for a few minutes about life, but he cuts the conversation short since he’s working. So you scroll through your Instagram feed as usual, liking @MissMercedesJones’s selfie and @RachelBarbra’s picture of her audience from her show last night. You watch the 9 second video @footloose posted of him dancing. Mike may actually be an even better dancer than before, if that’s possible. 

Titan’s nails tap against the floor as he comes into the room. He stands in front of you and lays his head in your lap. You quickly snap a picture before he moves and post it with the caption “This puppy is sad that @troutymouth is sick and can’t play today.”

You scroll through your own pictures and realize that most of them from the past couple months either have Sam in them or mention him. You should probably post some other things. Someone, Blaine, is bound to get suspicious at some point. It’s not like you enjoy keeping your “relationship” with Sam a secret, especially from Blaine. It’s just a little complicated. You’re just friends who happen to have sex and sleep in the same bed. You don’t have any romantic feelings for him. But Blaine would not understand. And even though he wouldn’t want to admit it, he would feel left out. Not that he would want to have sex with you or Sam, but knowing the two of you have this very intimate relationship without him, would hurt him. 

You shrug off the thought and grab your coat. Titan didn’t ever jump on the coach with you, which you can guess means he needs to go out. You didn’t think about the fact that Sam probably didn’t take him out earlier. You pull on your ugly Ugg boats, that you reserve only for really cold walks with the dog or to the grocery store down the block, and wrap a scarf around your neck. 

“Come on Tites. Wanna go out?” 

Once outside the cold wind hits you hard. Just like Lima, October through March in New York is freezing, so luckily you’re used to it. You walk down the sidewalk to the small park on the corner. 

“We need to get you a sweater or something.” You mutter to the dog. 

Once safely back inside out of the cold, you curl up on the couch and watch TV for a little while. You make the executive decision to skip your own classes today too, since you’ve hardly missed any class time and you’re ahead of pretty much everyone else in your fashion classes. What’s one day off?

Around 10, you hear Sam stir and get up to use the bathroom. Wrapped in just his comforter, he comes coughing into the living room. 

“Hey.” You give him a sympathetic look and pat the couch. He curls up next to you. “What can I get you? Soup? Coffee? Juice?”

“Maybe coffee to start with. Thanks for taking care of me.” He looks up at you sweetly. You ruffle his hair and pour him a cup of coffee. 

“Feeling any better?” 

He shrugs. “Not really. I feel like crap.”

“Well, I’m home all day so…anything you need.” You smile. 

He sips his coffee and chuckles. “Don’t vapor rape me.”

You look down at your hands. His smile fades. 

“That’s not funny…wow, that joke is not funny at all.” He says seriously, realization washing over his face. 

“Not really…” You say quietly. 

“Tina, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. We should have never made that something to joke about.”

“I know, it’s okay. I just…you do know that I really didn’t do anything creepy to Blaine, right? It got all twisted and blown out of proportion. I rubbed a tiny bit of vapor rub on his chest, yes, but in a spot smaller than my fist just right below his collar bone. Nothing creepy.” You say, swallowing hard. You always hated that joke, but you couldn’t ever say anything. You would never do something like that and to joke about it hurt you. 

“I’m sorry. I know you didn’t. None of us ever actually thought you did…well maybe Kurt, but he’s dramatic.” He slips a hand out from under his comforter and rests it on your knee. You glance back up at him. 

“It’s okay.” You’re both quiet for a few minutes before you speak again. “So what do you feel like doing? Want to watch a movie?”

“Yeah, a movie sounds good.” He nods, his eyelids drooping a little.

“You pick.”

“Hmm…Country Strong. Have you seen it?” 

You laugh. “No, I haven’t. But of course, you would pick the country music movie.”

“Now darlin’ don’t you forget where I come from.” He says in an over-the-top country accent. “It’s my Tennessee roots.”

You giggle and shake your head. “Is it in your room?”

He nods and you skip to his room and look at the row of DVDs under his nightstand. You find the DVD and pull it out, grabbing The Lion King too. You put the DVD in the player and sound fills the room. 

You take your spot on the couch again and let Titan snuggle between the two of you as the movie starts. You recognize a couple of the songs, since they’re mostly country songs that were re-recorded by the actors. 

_Even on my weakest days_  
 _I get a little bit stronger_  
 _I get a little bit stronger_

You sing along. Sam smiles at you. 

“This is a good song for you. You have gotten stronger. You don’t seem so sad anymore.” 

You blush a little. “I’m not sad anymore. I still have off days, but I’ve actually been really happy lately.”

“I’m really glad, Tina.” He smiles and curls up in his comforter a little tighter. 

You actually have to admit that Sam’s movie choice is really good, even if it’s a little sad. With tears in your eyes from the sad ending, you watch him as he sings along, deepening his voice to match that actor’s. 

_You know I've had close calls_  
 _When it could've been me_  
 _I was young when I learned just how fragile life can be_  
 _I lost friends of mine_  
 _I guess it wasn't my time_  
 _Timing is everything_

You watch the final scene as the couple takes the stage and sings a beautiful duet that makes your heart swoon. You’d actually sing that country song. 

“Aw Teee-na, I didn’t mean for it to make you cry.” Sam smiles at you. 

“It’s a sad movie, Sam! And you know everything makes me cry.” You wipe your eyes and smile at him. 

“Cry baby!” He teases. You nudge his shoulder with your hand and glance at your phone. It’s noon. “Want some soup?”

He nods and smiles at you. You ladle out two bowls of soup and pour some juice for both you. 

You spend the rest of the day watching Lion King, and listening to Sam quote nearly the entire movie in perfected impressions of each character, Mufasa being his specialty. You end up falling asleep, both wrapped in his comforter, only waking up again to take Titan out for his evening walk. 

 

**Friday, November 22, 2013**

“Tina? Will you come in for a moment?” Isabelle pokes her head into the small area where your desk is. It’s almost six. You straighten a stack of papers of clients you had been calling, stand and follow her to her office. 

“So you’ve been here for a while now. I was wondering how you were feeling about your time here.” She sits and looks at you thoughtfully. You really like Isabelle. She’s been very down to earth and ready to answer any and all of your questions. 

“It’s been great!” You chirp. “I’ve learned so much from you and I’ve made so many connections. And I’ve seen some amazing clothes!” 

“I’m really glad you’ve enjoyed your time. Kurt was definitely right about you. You know what you’re doing and you’re an excellent intern. I actually trust that things will get done when you’re here.” She smiles at you. 

You beam back at her. 

“We’re going to start preparing soon for Fashion Week. It’s coming up in February. Well actually we probably should have started sooner than now…what is your schedule like for the holidays?”

“I’ll be here next week. Kurt and all of our friends are doing a friends-giving like you guys did last year.” She smiles at you. You continue. “I’ll just be going home for about a week for Christmas, from December 20th to the 28th, Friday to the next Saturday. So I’ll be here for New Years.”

“Oh your first New Years in the city!” She beams. “You’re going to love it. Do not go to Times Square though. It isn’t worth it.”

You go over the details for the coming weeks before she lets you go. 

“Oh and I hope that adorable blond boy who picked you up last week is your boyfriend.” She smiles at you expectantly. 

You giggle. “No, Sam is just my roommate. I went to high school with him too.”

“Well, ‘just your roommate’ is hot. Don’t let him get away.” She winks at you and waves you on. 

You giggle to yourself as you board the elevator. You wrap your scarf tightly around your neck and button up your coat over your dress and tights. 

Sam _is_ hot; you know that. But you’re not sure about not letting him get away. You like what you’ve got going on. You care so much about him and you also love the sex. You’re not entirely sure what your situation will be like in the long run, but for now, this is working for you. You’ve gotten completely comfortable with sex again and you feel like it’s even helped you heal. It reminds you that not all guys are like _him_. 

You shudder. It still sickens you to think about what happened, but you don’t fall into an intense depression anymore. At least not every time now. You’ve come to realize that half of the battle was letting it out and letting other people in to help you. The other half is using the support to help yourself. You have to help yourself find your feet again and you’re nearly there. You feel better than you have in almost two years. 

After a quick ride on the subway you trudge up the stairs to your apartment and fling open the door. Sam peeks out from under his comforter where he’s laying on the couch with Titan curled at his feet. You grin at the sight. 

“Hey.” He says, smiling back at you. 

“Hey yourself, Sam.”

“You want in on this?” He smirks and pulls the comforter back revealing his bare torso. You kick your boots off and dive in, nestling against this abs. 

“How are you feeling?” You ask, twisting onto your back so you can look up at him. 

“A lot better than yesterday. I did some bro-ga this morning.” His eyes crinkle with a smile.

“Sam, yoga is yoga no matter how you say it. Don’t be ashamed.” You tease him. His hands immediately find your sides and start to tickle you. You squeal, but lift your head up to capture his pouty lips that are pulled tight into a grin. 

“Hey, I don’t want to get you sick.” He says, pulling away. 

“I’m sure if I don’t have it yet, I’ll get it. We live together in a tiny New York apartment.” You reason with him, your eyes never leaving his lips. They form a small smile and then find yours again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Credits:
> 
> A Little Bit Stronger - Leighton Meester (Country Strong)  
> Timing Is Everything - Garrett Hedlund (Country Strong)


	8. Here's to Us

**Tuesday, November 26, 2013**

“Well Tina, it seems like you’ve made real progress.” Dr. Jameson says, smiling. 

“I feel like I have. I mean, every day is a new day…but I’m not stuck. Like I don’t feel like I’m stuck anymore. I’m moving forward and I’m really happy with where my life is now.” You tell her smiling back.

“I’m glad that you’re feeling so great.” She pauses. “What is your schedule like for the holidays? Will you still be coming at your regular times on Tuesdays?”

“Yes, except Christmas Eve. I’ll be in Ohio that week.” You say. “I’m planning on telling my parents then because I wanted to tell them face to face but…I’m really nervous.”

“Maybe next week when you come in we can do a sort of role playing activity. You can practice with me and get comfortable with what you want to tell them, how much you want to tell them, and even answering their questions.”

You nod. “That would be good. I just hate having to retell the story…I’m not ready to see their reactions.”

“It probably won’t be easy, but if you feel like you want to tell them, then you should.” She says, standing. 

Taking the cue, you stand and nod. “Thank you for everything.”

You walk out of the room, pulling your phone out, not looking up in the waiting room until you hear a familiar voice. 

“Tina?” Rachel Berry stands as you walk out of the door.

 _Shit._ You think to yourself. “Hey Rach…”

She pulls you into a hug. “What are you doing— No, never mind. I don’t need to know.”

You pull back and study her face. She looks genuinely glad to see you. 

“Rachel, I—” You start.

“Tina, you don’t have to say anything. If you’re here, then you’re working on whatever it is that’s going on or has happened. I don’t need to know the details, just that you’re okay.” She says with a thoughtful look. 

“It’s getting a lot better. I’m more than okay. Santana gave me Dr. Jameson’s number…I hope that was okay.” You tell the shorter brunette.

“Of course! Dr. Jameson is fantastic, don’t you think so?” She chirps with a broad smile. 

You smile back and nod. You hear the door open again behind you, and the therapist pokes her head out for Rachel.

“Oh gosh, I didn’t even make this connection. I’m sorry girls. This is my fault.” Dr. Jameson says, her eyes wide. You know it’s probably a violation of HIPAA or something for the two of you to see each other.

“It’s okay.” You smile at the older woman. Rachel smiles too as you hug her. “I’ll see you Thursday!”

You hurry out of the office and head to your last classes before Thanksgiving break. 

 

You glance at your phone. 9:45. You tap the messages icon on the screen. 

_Where are you? I thought you got off at 9._ You tap out a quick text to Sam. 

While you wait for your reply, you check the WOHN-TV app for the local Lima news. Nothing is happening there, as usual. You’re not even sure why you have it. So you go to your favorite app, Instagram. @footloose posted another video of himself dancing, this time with people in his class. They’re all fantastic. Your phone buzzes and displays a banner at the top of the screen indicating a new text. 

_Not off yet, but you can help with that when I get home ;)_ Sam replies. You can feel yourself blush even though no one is around to see it. It buzzes again. 

_But really I’m leaving now._ He says. 

You flip the TV on and cuddle with Titan until you hear a key in the lock. 

“Hey hey hey!” Sam shouts as he comes in, no doubt doing some sort of impression. You grin at him, while still holding on to Titan, who is squirming to see Sam. 

“Aw, come here boy!” He says, patting his thighs for the dog. Titan jerks and breaks free from you and jumps up on Sam. “Wanna go out?”

You watch as the boys go out for their walk and wait impatiently for their return. You like your alone time as much as the next person but you love having Sam around. He is the ideal roommate. He’s surprisingly clean, a great cook, and always good for a laugh, even though he does hog the TV sometimes to play Rollercoaster Tycoon on his Xbox. But you also get to have really hot sex all the time, so you’re not complaining. 

He shivers as he pushes the door closed behind him when they return from their walk. He collapses on the couch next to you and lays his head back, turning it to look at you. 

You smirk. “So about that text…”

He grins back. “I need to take a shower…” He starts.

“Okay…”

“You’re welcome to join.” He raises his eyebrows. 

You give him a look and jump up off the couch. You hold your hand out to him and pull him up and very close to you. Without letting go of his hand you lead him back to the bathroom and shut the door behind you. You feel his body against your back when you stand after turning the water on. His lips find your neck and his hands find the hem of your t-shirt. Slowly he peels it over your head, while peppering soft kisses behind your ear. He unhooks your bra and lets it fall to the floor, then slowly pushes your bottoms down so that you’re completely naked. 

You’ve seen each other naked plenty of times now, but somehow this time is different. It might be because of the bright light of the bathroom or the fact that you’re not tangled up in each other or the sheets of one of your beds. 

You turn so that you’re facing him and un-tuck his work uniform from his pants. Not wasting any time with the buttons, you push it over his head and quickly undo his belt and shove his pants down. You grab his hand and pull him into the shower with you. 

He immediately pins you against the wall, his lips on yours. Both of your hands roam over each other’s bodies, exploring more than you ever have before. 

Finally, you pull away a little, giggling. “Sam, we should probably at least use a little soap.”

He grins at you. “You’re right. 

You tilt your head back and close your eyes, letting the water soak your long hair. You’re startled by slippery hands moving slowly over your chest and down your sides. You move out of the water and open your eyes. He continues to rub body wash down each of your arms then down each of your legs. You grab the bar of soap and return the favor for him. Eventually you end up making out again under the hot water as it washes all of the soap from both of your bodies. 

You pull back again and grin up at him. “I need to wash my hair.”

He grins back and grabs your shampoo and squeezes way too much into his hand. He gently massages the shampoo into your scalp. 

“Mmm. You’re good at this.” You smile with your eyes closed, enjoying the calloused fingers tangling in your hair. 

“I’ve had long hair too. I know what to do.” He says softly. He guides you back under the water and rinses your hair for you. Then he repeats the process with conditioner.

“I had a lot of shampoo left over so I used it in my hair too. I’m going to smell like you now.” He chuckles. 

“You’re going to smell fantastic.” You smirk. 

Finally you turn the water off since it’s getting cold and your fingers are pruning. You wrap a towel around you and comb through your hair as you watch Sam dry himself off. Somehow showering with Sam seems very intimate, more intimate than your usual hot sex in the bedroom.

You feel your heartbeat speed up as you follow him from the bathroom to your room. Locking Titan out again, he wraps his arms around you, pulling you close. He pulls you down on top of him on your bed and his lips make contact with your neck. You sigh audibly, enjoying the feeling of his full lips sucking gently on your skin. They start making a trail down your neck to your collar bone where they linger on your chest. You shut your eyes and arch your back slightly, savoring the feeling of his soft pillow-like lips grazing your skin. 

His mouth circles around your bellybutton then trail across your hips. His bright green eyes flicker up to yours, pausing, before he dips between your legs. You gasp as his lips make contact with you again. Your breathing accelerates as you feel all that he can do with that mouth of his. Your fingers lightly tug at his hair causing him to change direction and pace making you whimper. His hands slide the backs of your thighs forcing your knees to bed and your legs to spread a little wider. Your back arches involuntarily as you near the edge. He slows his pace then lifts his head, clearly not ready to give you what you want. He wipes his mouth on the back of his hand and takes a sip of the water from the glass on your nightstand, mostly for your own benefit and you toss a little square foil package at him. Within seconds you’re breathing his name into his ear as his body presses into yours. 

His hands wander up and down your sides and your chest and his lips find yours. He bites gently on your bottom lip, making you smile. You both roll a few times changing positions until you’re lying on your back again with your hands being held above your head, his fingers interlocked with yours. You feel him quicken his pace as he releases one of your hands and pushes it between the two of you. You inhale sharply when he touches you, making sure you both get off. 

His bright eyes bore into yours as your body tenses with pleasure. He presses his lips to yours as he slows slightly, with a small shudder. He kisses you deeply and presses his forehead to yours, steadying his breathing before rolling off of you. You shut your eyes and listen to the pounding of blood in your ears before looking up at him again to find him smirking at you.

“I mean I know I’m hot, but _that_ good?” He raises his eyebrows. 

You make a face at him and stand up, swaying slightly as you adjust to the quick change of positions. He heads to the bathroom, leaving you to find pajamas for yourself. Once you’re dressed you join him in the bathroom where he hands you your toothbrush already wet with toothpaste. 

“Thank you.” You smile at him. You watch him in the mirror as you both brush your teeth. Like the shower, this seemly ordinary activity feels oddly intimate. In the back of your mind you wonder if this is what other ‘friends with benefits’ relationships are like. Probably not. 

 

**Thursday, November 28, 2013**

“Tina!” You hear Sam call you from the front door. “We’re going to be late and you know how Rachel is when people are late. She said be there at 4 and it’s almost 3:30 now.”

You stumble out of your room, pulling on your black ankle boots over your tights that you’ve paired with a black, white and blue polka dot 60s retro style dress. “I’m coming, I’m coming.”

Sam smirks and winks at you. You scowl at him, making a face. You can’t say the word ‘come’ around him or Santana without one of them making a joke. 

“Your mind is always in the gutter, isn’t it?”

He chuckles and pets Titan one last time before opening the door and slipping out. You follow him, making sure the dog can’t escape. You admire his cute butt in gray straight leg jeans and brown boots that he’s wearing with a navy blue plaid button-down shirt under a navy canvas coat. You can’t help but wonder if Blaine is helping him pick out clothes because he looks a lot less like a dirty hippy these days and a lot more like a well put-together hot guy. Then again, he’s not wearing a bowtie so it can’t be Blaine.

You get to Santana and Rachel’s door a few minutes after she had demanded that you arrive and tentatively knock. It’s immediately flung open and you’re met with a pair of wide blue eyes and a bright smile. 

“Hey Britt.” Sam smiles and hugs the blonde. 

“Hi Sam. Hi Tina.” She returns his hug then reaches over to hug you. She leads you into the living room where Kurt and Blaine are sitting next to each other on one of the couches with Elliott sitting on the floor at their feet and Kitty is sitting in Artie’s lap. 

“Kitty!” You squeal excitedly. The short blonde girl jumps up and hugs you. 

“Tina! I’ve actually really missed you.” She smiles warmly at you. You really warmed up to Kitty Wilde after she and Artie started dating. You liked her before that but you were never sure about her until Artie gave her a chance. Then the two of you became fairly close being two of the few girls in Glee club. 

Sam sits on the other couch on the end nearest Blaine and starts talking animatedly about something. You sit down opposite him and chat with Kitty and Artie when Brittany walks back in the room looking exasperated. She sits between you and Sam. 

“What’s wrong?” You ask her. 

“San and Rachel are fighting over the food. Rachel wouldn’t help San with the turkey because she’s a vegan or whatever and S doesn’t actually know how to cook a turkey…” Brittany shakes her head. 

You chuckle and stand to walk to the kitchen. Sam catches your eye as you leave the room and gives you a small smile. 

“Well, _Berry_ , no one else here is a damn vegan. No one else wants to eat some fake meat for Thanksgiving dinner.” Santana throws her hands up out of frustration. 

“I’m not going to eat any turkey so I’m not going to make any.” She crosses her arms and glares at the Latina girl. “But maybe I would help you though if you’d stop calling me names every time you address me.”

“Ugh, whatever. Why are you even here anyway? Don’t you have a show?”

“I took the night off. You should spend holidays with the people you love, which did include you up until a few minutes ago.” The shorter girl exhales sharply through her nose. You can see her eyes get a little watery. 

“Okay, hey, stop fighting. Santana, stop calling her names.” You intervene. “We can work together to get the whole turkey thing sorted out.”

“God, fine. Don’t cry. I’m sorry I called you names, but come on honestly, do you know nothing about me? I call everyone names including all of the people I care about. Isn’t that right Girl Chang?” Santana says.

“Yes, it’s true even though I’ve told you a million times to stop calling me Girl Chang. That is Mike’s last name.” You make a face at her. Rachel cracks a smile. 

“Glad to know I’m not the only one.” Her eyes meet yours with a smirk. 

“God, are the two of you going to make out or help me with this damn turkey?” Santana groans. 

The three of you take over the kitchen and manage to get the turkey finished on time. You’re not sure why Santana even needed help with the turkey in the first place, considering it had already been in the oven for hours before you got there. 

Finally, everything is finished. There’s turkey, mashed potatoes, salad, green beans, pasta salad, empanadas, rice and beans, and deviled eggs, and dessert, of course. You help Rachel and Santana get serving spoons for everything and spread it out over the counter so everyone can help themselves. 

“Time to eat fatties!” Santana sing-songs sweetly to the rest of your friends in the living room. You watch as a few of them file in to make their plates. At some point while you were cooking, Quinn arrived. 

“Hey Tina.” She smiles warmly at you and offers a one-armed hug.

“Quinn! How are you?” 

“Great. Finally moved on from that stupid secret society crap at Yale. Just focusing on my school work now, and Puck.” She smiles fondly at the mention of his name. 

“That’s great! I’m so glad you and Puck worked out.” You chat with her for a few minutes before fixing your own plate and sitting at Sam’s feet in front of the coffee table. There was space on the other side of the coffee table but you’re somehow drawn to him. Rachel joins Kurt and Blaine on the couch and Santana and Quinn sit next to Sam. Brittany and Kitty both plop down on the floor with you around the table. And Elliot leans against the couch between Kurt and Rachel’s legs.

You talk mostly with Kitty and Brittany since you’re all on the floor but you interject in Sam and Blaine’s conversation occasionally. It’s fun to be together with so many of your friends again, even Elliott. 

Before long, Rachel and Santana head back into the kitchen and reemerge with glasses for everyone and a couple wine bottles. 

“Time to drink!” Santana shouts. She’s met with a few cheers from Brittany and Artie. 

Once everyone has a glass, Rachel raises hers. 

“Here’s to having amazing friends, even ones who drive me insane.” She starts, giving Santana a pointed look. Then she looks at Quinn. “And here’s to having almost everyone together again, even Elliott, whom we can accept as one of our own because he’s in the band and he sings so he would have been in Glee club too. Here’s to a…crazy year…a hard and unexpected year. Here’s to holding everyone we love close.” She pauses again, swallowing hard. Kurt puts a hand on her back. “Here’s to us!”

You all take a sip of your wine except for Quinn who starts to sing softly. 

_Here’s to us_  
 _Here’s to love_  
 _All the times_  
 _That we’ve messed up_

You take over where she leaves off, smiling at Rachel. 

_Here’s to you_  
 _Fill the glass_  
 _Cause the last few nights_  
 _Have gone too fast!_

She grins and belts out the rest of the chorus from her Regionals solo. 

_So let’s give ‘em hell_  
 _Wish everybody well_  
 _Here’s to us_  
 _Here’s to us_

She’s met with cheers as she finishes the chorus. 

“Okay, karaoke time. I can’t throw a party without karaoke.” Rachel jumps up and plugs her iPod into the speakers. She has a huge array of karaoke songs, pretty much every song sung in Glee plus most of the songs you did after she graduated. Santana, Brittany, and Quinn carry empty plates into the kitchen while Elliott and Sam move the couches back to make room in middle of the living room for a ‘stage.’ 

“Tina! Sam!” Kitty gestures for you and Sam to join her and Artie. “We want to sing America. Tina, you can take Unique’s part. You can hit those notes.”

The three of them look at you expectantly. You grin and nod. You loved that song even though you didn’t actually sing much in it during the competition. 

“We’re going first!” You announce to Rachel. 

Artie fiddles with the iPod until he finds the song. Everyone else takes a seat on the couch and starts to clap along as the music starts. 

_Far, we’ve been traveling far_  
 _Without a home, but not without a star_

Artie sings, pointing and looking up to the sky as he sings ‘without a star,’ the Glee club’s now universal signal to Finn. 

Kitty and Sam harmonize together, shimming back to back together like they did on stage. She dances around, grinning at Artie whenever she gets the chance. 

Sam sings again and you take Unique’s part echoing the lines back to him. He grabs your hand and twirls you around the room, making you grin. Kitty sits on Artie’s lap as she sings along with him. You pull Kitty up by the hand as you all four sing along to your parts of the chorus. The two of you dance around together harmonizing with the boys as they sing. 

You get to the last part that was actually cut from your original performance that Sam takes as you sing ‘today’ over him. He stands with his arms outstretched as you and Kitty dance around him. 

_My country ‘tis of thee_  
 _Sweet land of liberty_  
 _Of thee I sing_  
 _Of thee I sing_

_Today!_ You all shout. You end with an arm wrapped around Sam and Kitty on Artie’s lap again. She plants a kiss on his cheek. Sam just looks at you with wide eyes and a smile.

The rest of your friends cheer. “Like I said before, you guys should have won!” Rachel whines.

“I agree. I saw the videos. You were all great.” Quinn nods, smiling at Kitty who beams back at her. She got over her creepy thing for Quinn, but still basically idolizes the older blonde.

You take a gulp of your wine as Brittany stands up. “I can’t believe you have this song.” She presses play and starts to sing along to an alternative song, which you later find out is Tegan and Sara’s Nineteen.

_I felt you in my legs before I ever met you_  
 _And when I laid beside you for the first time_  
 _I told you, I feel you in my heart_  
 _And I don’t even know you_

She points to Santana, making the Latina girl blush and cover her face in a faux embarrassment. 

_I felt you in my life before I ever thought to_  
 _Feel the need to lay down beside you_  
 _I feel you in my heart and I don’t even know you_

She twirls around skipping over some words and changing others, making Santana giggle. You love it when Brittany is around. Santana morphs into a different person. She’s a real person with real emotions and she becomes a thousand times nicer. 

_Love you_  
 _You are all mine_  
 _Love you_  
 _I am yours, right_  
 _I am yours, right_  
 _I was nineteen_

She strains to hit the high note and eventually dissolves into laughter falling into Santana’s lap planting a kiss on her lips. They wrap their arms around each other tightly, Santana ducking her head, clearly embarrassed. 

“Aww.” Rachel and Quinn coo at them. Santana throws up her middle finger and waves it around wildly behind Brittany’s head making you all laugh. 

Kurt and Blaine take a turn, followed by Kitty and Artie. After passing around the wine bottles, Elliott jumps up and scrolls through the iPod. 

“Hey Sam, do you know this one?” He throws a glance at the blond boy on the couch. 

Sam jumps up and looks over his shoulder and nods. He picks up the guitar that Rachel and Santana have for some unknown reason. It’s probably Elliott’s. He strums a few chords before nodding to the quirky boy covered in tattoos. 

John Cougar Mellencamp’s song Hurts So Good blares over the speakers and Sam strums along. Elliott starts singing the first few lines before pointing to Sam who glances down at you with a smirk as he sings his part. 

_With a girl like you_  
 _With a girl like you_  
 _Lord knows there are things we can do, baby_  
 _Just me and you_  
 _Come on and make it hurt_

They harmonize together during the chorus. Kurt cheers and laughs, clapping his hands together, obviously thinking about Burt and his love for Mellencamp. 

Sam sings the first part of the next verse, his eyes falling on you again for a few seconds before he looks away to avoid having the others notice. You’re sure Brittany noticed though because she gives you a pointed look and raises her eyebrows. 

_Don't have to be so exciting_  
 _Just tryin' to give myself_  
 _A little bit of fun, yeah_  
 _You always look so invitin'_  
 _You ain't as green as you are young_

Elliott jumps around and plays air guitar while Sam strums along on the actual guitar, hitting all of the chords flawlessly. You always forgot when you were actually in Glee club how talented Sam is, especially on the guitar, until you moved in with him. Now you get to see him play all the time. 

They finish the song and Sam sets the guitar back down before slapping Elliott’s hand. 

“That was awesome bro.” He says excitedly. 

“Definitely. You looked like a guy who could get down with some Mellencamp. I haven’t been able to convince Kurt to sing that with me.” Elliott explains with a smile. 

You, Santana, Rachel, and Artie all burst out laughing as you all remember Kurt’s performance of Pink Houses that lead to him trying to be straight for his dad. 

“Okay guys, it wasn’t that funny.” Kurt says, narrowing his eyes and wagging his finger at everyone else. 

“It really was though…Lady Pants. You actually…chewed on a piece of straw!” Santana says, doubling over laughing.

Rachel and Santana pull you and Quinn up to sing with them. Rachel hits play on her iPod revealing her song choice to be Katy Perry’s Dark Horse. Santana grins. 

Quinn starts singing the first verse in her sultry alto voice. She does a few of her signature dance moves when Santana takes over the bridge. She then points to you for you sing the first half of the chorus. You glance at Sam, whose eyes haven’t left you. 

_So you wanna play with magic_  
 _Boy, you should know what you're falling for_  
 _Baby do you dare to do this?_  
 _Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse_

Rachel belts out the second half of the chorus, effectively cutting you off. _Just like old times._ You chuckle to yourself. Quinn grabs your hands and twirls you around and then presses her back to your front gyrating her hips on yours seductively. You glance at Sam again, whose mouth has fallen open. You grin. 

You and Rachel finish off the chorus the second time when Santana jumps up and starts rapping causing all of you to double over laughing. But she just raises her eyebrows and smirks and keeps going. She grabs Brittany’s hand and pulls her up so that she can dance too. 

Brittany and Santana grind all up on each other and Quinn has pulled Rachel into her front side making a train of girls all gyrating on one other. You reach behind you and grab Kitty’s hand, inviting her to join in so Artie and Sam can both fawn over all of you. Even the three gay boys cheer. 

“You girls are smoking.” Elliott says, smiling at all six of you.

“Uh huh. He got that right.” Artie says, throwing a hand up in the air and shaking his head.

Sam just sits with his mouth hanging open and nods, staring directly at you. “Totally hot.”

The wine gets passed around some more as everyone takes a break from singing and starts telling embarrassing stories about the others. 

“Well nothing is quite as embarrassing as Tina vaporing raping my fiancé.” Kurt smirks at you, Kitty, Artie and Rachel laugh while Elliott looks confused. You look down at your hands.

“Come on, Lady Hummel that joke is old.” Santana rolls her eyes. You flash her a grateful glance. 

“Plus it’s not really a funny joke…” Sam says, also coming to your rescue. Kurt makes a face and turns to Blaine. He furrows his eyebrows and widens his eyes, nodding at Kurt. 

“Rape jokes aren’t funny.” Brittany chimes in. “They perpetuate rape culture and rape is like the ultimate form of bullying.”

“They’re kind of right Kurt. It was blown completely out of proportion.” Blaine says. At this point you can feel the tension building and you glance at Kurt. He’s glaring at Blaine. He stands up quickly and throws his hands up. 

“Whatever. It’s all fun and games when your little ‘threesome’ wants to joke, but then when I say something all of a sudden it isn’t cool. I’m so sick of the secrets the three of you keep.” He gestures angrily to you, Sam, and Blaine before stalking off down the hall. Blaine starts to go after him, but you stand and hold an arm out.

“I’ll talk to him.” You say, nodding at him and Sam and Santana who also understand what’s going on.

“Um what just happened?” Quinn looks between Santana and Sam. Luckily Santana has mastered the art of deflecting so she just shrugs and changes the subject. 

You walk down the hall and peek in Rachel’s bedroom to find Kurt sitting on the bed. He glances up at you, looking pissed.

“I figured you’d be Blaine.” He says coldly.

“No, just me…I feel like I should probably tell you where they’re coming from.” You start, shutting the door behind you. “It’s not fair of them to gang up on you like that, but they’re kind of looking out for me, I guess. Well Blaine, Santana and Sam are…Britt is just…I don’t know.”

He raises his eyebrows at you. “Looking out for you how?”

“Kurt, last year I was raped.” You tell him. You watch his face soften and then morph into a look of horror. You hold a hand up to prevent him from saying anything. “It happened right before Mike and I broke up. I never told anyone until I told Blaine, Sam, and Santana a couple months ago. I started seeing a therapist and I’ve gotten a lot better. But last year, I was a mess and one of the only people who helped me get through it was Blaine, without knowing it. Yeah, I developed a little crush on him, but it was mostly because I needed that support and he was there. I knew it would never be anything because he’s gay, but that was part of the reason why I became so attached to him. He wasn’t going to ever expect sex from me. I would never have to worry about that and at the time…I wasn’t comfortable even hugging anyone. The three of us have kept that secret because they’re my best friends and the only people I was ready to confide in. I made him promise to not tell anyone, including you…I’m sorry they ganged up on you though. It just…the rape jokes really get to me. And for the record, I really didn’t do anything creepy to Blaine…”

He doesn’t speak for a minute so you look down at your hands, feeling a little self-conscious. Then you feel his strong arms wrap around you, squeezing you in a hug. 

“I’m so sorry, Tina. I overreacted. You guys are allowed to have secrets and I promise I won’t tell anyone either. I get that this is something you don’t want the whole world to know. The jokes are really insensitive…I’m sorry.” He pulls away and looks at you. “I’m really glad you’re getting better and I’m glad you have great friends like Sam and Blaine. I guess I was just jealous that the two of you got to spend so much time with Blaine last year and I didn’t…I should have never made that joke.”

“It’s okay. You just…you never know who might be affected by it when you say something like that. And obviously you don’t need me to tell you how much they both love you too.” You offer him a small smile. He returns it and squeezes you again. You take his hand and walk him back down the hall to where your friends are all chatting. You glance at Sam and Santana before nodding slightly at Blaine and smiling. 

“All better?” Rachel sing-songs. Kurt nods and takes his seat next to Blaine, squeezing his hand and whispering something in his ear. 

Sam catches your gaze and holds it for a moment, seemingly realizing that you told Kurt. He smiles slightly and then refills your wine glass.

Everyone passes around the wine bottles a few more times for another hour until you, Sam, Rachel, Brittany, and Blaine are obnoxiously drunk. Blaine stands up wanting to get a glass of water but ends up stumbling and falling back on top of Elliott and Kurt in a heap of laughter. 

“Well, I think that’s our cue to leave.” Artie says, wide-eyed. Kitty nods next to him with a similar expression and starts heading towards the door where Rachel meets them and hugs them both.

Brittany has abandoned her shirt on the floor and is straddling Santana on the couch where Quinn was sitting before she moved out of the way of hurricane Brittana. 

“Britt, babe, stop. Wait…just a few…minutes.” She tries to push her girlfriend off of her but giggles as Brittany’s lips make contact with her throat. 

“We should probably get going too…” Kurt says, making a disgusted face at Santana and Brittany. 

Sam stands and slaps his palms on Blaine’s back, engulfing him in a hug, then kisses him on the cheek eliciting a sharp “Hey!” from Kurt and a strange sound from Blaine. Sam grins and hugs Kurt, kissing him on the cheek too. Kurt shakes his head and pushes Sam away. You follow suit and hug both of the boys and Elliottt. Blaine stares wide-eyed at his best friend, who plopped back down on the couch, before taking the hand Kurt has outstretched to him and following him and Elliott to the door. 

“Bye-bye best gays.” Rachel coos at them, pinching Elliott’s cheeks. As the boys follow Kitty and Artie out the door and into the hallway. The room gets quieter as Kurt shuts the door behind him, supporting a very drunk Blaine. 

“I guess we’ll go too!” You chirp. You giggle as you try to pull Sam to his feet but end up falling on top of him on the couch. 

“Yeah, you’re not going anywhere.” Quinn puts a hand on your arm. “Both of you are way too drunk to navigate yourselves home. S, can they just sleep on the couch or something? I’ll sleep with Rachel.” 

“Yeah, it’s fine. I have extra sheets. Only one of the couches can fold out at a time though, so it might be better if you just slept on the same one.” Santana says, as she tries to pry Brittany’s hands out of her hair. 

“Is that okay with you guys?” Quinn looks at you both with a slightly stern expression. 

Sam smacks a piece of minty gum and nods his head staring wide eyed at Quinn. 

“It’s fine! We live together, no big deal.” You say a little too eagerly. Sam sneaks a peek at you and winks when Quinn turns her back. 

Santana manages to get Brittany moved to her room as Quinn maneuvers Rachel to hers. The two less drunk girls come back with sheets and pillows and start unfolding the couch. Santana tosses a t-shirt and a pair of Brittany’s pajama shorts at you and shuts her bedroom door behind her. You head to the bathroom to change. Normally, you wouldn’t care about changing in front of any of them, but since they don’t know about you and Sam, you figure it would be best to show a little modesty. This conclusion, of course, was one you reached after you kicked off your boots and pulled your tights off too, and Quinn gave you a pointed look, raising her eyebrows and nodding to Sam.

“Are you okay?” The taller blonde girl says, looking up from her phone where you can see a picture of Puck next to the text input box, when you come back into the living room. “You’re not going to throw up, are you?”

“No. I’m fine. Thanks Quinn. You can go to bed now.” You plaster on the sweetest smile you can muster. She gives you a curt nod before shutting the door to Rachel’s room. 

You crawl under the covers next to Sam who had stripped his jeans and shirt off, leaving him in just his t-shirt and briefs. You lay facing Sam, your foreheads nearly touching as you listen for a second to see if anyone is coming back out of the bedrooms. Once you decide you’re in the clear, you lean in and kiss him hard. His hands immediately delve under your shirt and he pulls you on top of him. He lightly tickles your sides and you giggle, a little too loud. 

“Shh! They’re hear you.” He breaks into a broad grin. 

“Don’t tickle me then!” You whisper loudly before kissing him again. 

“That last song…so hot. You’re…so hot.” He manages between kisses. 

“Oh so I’m not the ‘not-hot girl’ anymore?” You pull away and narrow your eyes at him. 

“You’ve been the _hottest_ girl for a while now.” He smirks, leaning up to kiss you again. You giggle as his lips meet yours. His hands wander up and down your body before slipping under the waistband of your shorts. 

“What are you doing?” You hiss at him, widening your eyes.

“You’re so hot and sneaking around is hot.” He says again, not bothering to whisper. 

“Shh. You’re going to wake someone up.” You grin and say, also not whispering. 

“You’re damn right you’re going to wake someone up and you’re lucky it’s me and not Quinn.” You spring away from Sam when you hear Santana’s voice directly above you. 

Sam’s eyes widen as he looks up at Santana. 

“Santana…” You start, not sure what to say since even in your drunken state you know there’s no denying what you were just doing.

“Look, I don’t really care what you were doing even though that is my couch and that’s a little disgusting, but if you don’t want Blaine or the others to find out, you need to knock it off before Quinn or Rachel hear you. Because if they find out, they will tell.” She says quietly, crossing her arms looking serious. In the dim light from the window, you can see a smirk on her face though. 

You scoot even further away from Sam when you hear another door open. Quinn sticks her head out. “What’s going on out here?”

“Just making sure they know where everything is.” Santana glances at Quinn, who nods and shuts the door again. “So shut up and go to sleep.” She finishes with a soft chuckle.

Brittany pokes her head out of Santana’s room. You can tell she’s still not wearing a shirt. “San, come to bed.” She whines. 

You and Sam stifle giggles as Santana glares at you before she retreats to her room. 

“Oops.” He grins broadly at you. 

You grin back and kiss him gently. “Maybe we should just go to sleep so we don’t get in any more trouble.”

He nods and yawns, his huge mouth opening even wider. He wraps his arms around you and squeezes, kissing your forehead. “Good night, hot girl.”

You kiss his forehead back and smile. “Night Sammy.”

 

**Friday, November 29, 2013**

You wake early the next morning to a gentle shove on your shoulder and a pair of bright blue eyes staring at you. Brittany rests her head on her hands on the couch mattress. 

“Tina.” She whispers loudly. “You should probably wake up.”

Your head is pounding. You stare back at her before you realize that she’s actually trying to help you. You feel her lift Sam’s arm from around your waist and shake his shoulder too. 

“If Quinn or Rachel see you they’re going to know about all the kissing you’ve been doing.” She says quietly and points to your neck. You vaguely remember Sam’s pouty lips sucking on your neck last night. 

“Do I have a hickey?” You whisper, your eyes widening. Brittany smirks and nods. 

“Shit. Sam, get up.” You shake him harder. 

He groans and squints into the bright room. He pulls his arms off of you completely when he sees Brittany. “Shit.”

“They both know.” You glance at him. “You gave me a hickey too.”

“Shit.” He repeats himself and stretches. You crawl off of the couch and grab your clothes and fast-walk to the bathroom. You splash water on your face and examine your neck. Sure enough, you have a pretty awful hickey. You pull your hair to the side and braid it so that it lays right over the side of your neck. You slip your outfit from last night back on and borrow some mouth wash.

You open the door to find a miserable-looking Sam leaning against the wall. He runs his hands through his hair, making stick up like crazy. He drags his hand across your hips as he slips past you and shuts the door. 

You find Santana and Brittany in the living room folding up the sheets that were on the couch. 

“You and Sam are having brunch with us.” Brittany says brightly. You’re not sure how she’s so cheerful at 8 am after drinking as much as she did last night. 

“Okay…I think we have to go home first to walk the dog and change.” You say, squinting at the two of them. Santana nods. 

“We’ll meet you near your apartment. I know a place.” Santana says, looking slightly amused by the hung-over state of you and Sam. 

You hug Quinn before leaving since you’re not sure when you’ll see her again and buddle up to the face the cold outside. Once aboard the subway, you lean your head on Sam’s shoulder and shut your eyes. 

“Tina.” You’re jolted awake as Sam gently elbows you when you reach your stop. He takes your hand leads you from the train, intertwining his fingers with yours. You follow him absent-mindedly until you’re standing in the hallway inside your apartment. You groan.

“I am so hung-over and so tired.”

“Me too. Here, drink this.” He says, handing you a cup of coffee. He puts Titan’s leash on him and slips back out the door. 

You take your coffee into your room and hunt down a pair of black straight leg jeans and a pair of royal blue flats. You toss shirts on to your bed until you find a gray and black sweater with a big black bow and pull it over your head. Looking in the mirror, you adjust your braid again and dab some concealer onto the dark spot on your neck. 

“Sorry about that.” Sam says, smirking slightly, leaning into your doorway. He’s changed into a light blue plaid shirt over a matching blue t-shirt and dark wash jeans. 

Your phone buzzes with a text from Santana giving you the name of the restaurant. _Can you meet us in 20?_

 _Yep_ You respond. 

 

Half an hour later you’re sitting in a booth next to Sam facing Santana and Brittany who wear matching smirks sipping on your drinks after ordering food. 

“I knew there was something going on, but Tina lied to me!” Brittany whines, narrowing her eyes at you. 

“What exactly is going on?” Santana starts, before throwing her hands up. “But please spare me the details. It was bad enough walking in on whatever that was last night…”

You glance at Sam and sigh. They know. “We…we’re just sleeping together. Friends with benefits, I guess. Nothing more than that.”

Sam nods once, keeping his eyes on the glass of water in front of him. 

“I knew it! My psychic Mexican third eye is never wrong. When you…” Santana gasps. “When you kissed! When we were practicing!” She says, not forming complete sentences. 

“It started the night before our midterm actually.” Sam says softly. 

“That’s why you did so well! You got some.” She chuckles. You smirk and glance at Sam. He smiles, but doesn’t say much. 

Brittany studies him and then looks at you. “Why are you keeping it a secret?”

“Um…” You struggle to find the words. 

“Blaine mostly.” Sam says. “He would flip and we’re still not really sure why…”

“He still has a crush on you.” Santana says matter-of-factly. 

“No…he’s engaged to Kurt now. I think he’s moved on.” Sam say, raising his eyes to meet hers. 

She shrugs. “Either way, he’s ridiculous. I don’t really get why it matters.”

“I think he’s afraid it will screw our friendship up. It’s been the three of us for a while and if me and Sam are closer to each other than to him, he is going to get jealous and hurt. He doesn’t want to lose his best friends.” You say.

Brittany nods. “That makes sense.”

“What about you?” Santana gives you a concerned look. “This is okay…for you…?”

You get what she’s hinting at and you nod. Brittany furrows her eyebrows. “What do you mean? Okay for her?” She glances at Santana. The raven-haired girl looks up at you with wide eyes. You exhale deeply and shrug. 

You tell Brittany about what happened to you and your recovery, giving her about the same amount of information as you gave Kurt last night. She looks at her hands for a minute before nodding. 

“I kind of thought so.” She says. You give her a confused look. It’s not exactly something people should be able to guess. “Well, I mean last night when Kurt said those things and you guys and Blaine made a big deal out of it, I figured it out. But I knew something was up because San started talking about you differently, nicer than usual, and she asked me more about what happened to me. I put it all together.”

She’s smarter than she gets credit for, especially when it comes to show she perceives others’ behaviors and feelings. She meets your eyes and nods slightly. She gets it and it hurts her.

“Brittany…I’m sorry that that happened to you.” You say softly. 

She shrugs. “It wasn’t your fault. You don’t have to apologize.”

You all sit in silence for a few minutes pushing around the food on your plates that was delivered some time during your conversation. 

“Well if you guys want to be together, just be together. Don’t worry about Blaine.” Brittany finally says. 

“It’s not…” “We’re not together…” You and Sam both start talking at the same time. He glances at you, looking a little uncomfortable. 

“Okay…well whatever, we’re not going to tell anyone.” Santana says and glances sideways at Brittany who nods slowly. You’re glad Brittany didn’t try to say that you were in love again. That would have made it even more awkward, especially for Sam who seems really uneasy about this conversation. 

He changes the subject and you all start complaining about your upcoming finals. Brittany tells you about the dance that she’s choreographed herself, and Santana and Sam both have monologues in their script analysis class. 

“I’m pretty much screwed.” Sam starts. “I can’t memorize it and I keep mixing the words up.”

“I’ll help you.” You smile at him. You see Brittany and Santana exchange a look. “Stop it, I can see you. I’m helping my roommate and best friend out with his final. Nothing wrong with that.” You glare at the two girls.

Santana holds her hands up in defense and smirks. “I didn’t say anything, Tina…we should probably get going.” She says after a moment.

You all pay and go your separate ways. 

“Feeling any better?” Sam glances at you from where he’s walking next to you with his hands shoved in his pockets. 

You shove a pair of oversized sunglasses on your face and shrug. “Not particularly.”

He smirks at you and gently rubs a hand on your back for a few seconds before shoving it back into his pocket. 

“So…they know…” He starts.

“Yeah.” You nod. “You know we’re going to have to tell Blaine eventually.”

“Yeah, he’s not going to take it well.” He makes a face and inhales sharply through his nose. 

“Maybe after the holidays…” You say slowly. 

Sam nods eagerly. “Yes, after the holidays. Good idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Credits:
> 
> Here's to Us - Halestorm/Glee Cast  
> America - Neil Diamond/Glee Cast  
> Nineteen - Tegan and Sara  
> Hurts So Good - John Cougar Mellencamp  
> Dark Horse - Katy Perry ft. Juicy J


	9. Bloom

**Thursday, December 5, 2013**

You push the door to your apartment open to find Sam and a girl with bright pink hair sitting in the living room both strumming their guitars to Demi Lovato’s Made in the USA. The crazy-haired girl sings the chorus like it was made for her. Sam nods his head along and grins at you, harmonizing with her a little. When they finish he slaps her hand in a high five. 

“That was awesome! It’s so cool to have people to jam with again. I miss jamming with my bros back home.” He smiles at the girl. You feel an odd pang of jealousy until she looks up at you. 

“Totally awesome…Hi! You must be Tina. I’m Dani…I work with Sam and the others at Spotlight, well mostly just when Santana isn’t working…” She mumbles and makes a face at the mention of her ex-girlfriend. You immediately match a face to the name you’ve heard all about. She’s Santana’s Dani. You smile back at her. 

“Nice to meet you Dani. I love your hair!” You say sweetly, remembering your own pink and blue streaks that you used to have. She grins at you.

“Isn’t it totally cool? Who would have thought that you could totally just pull of pink hair?!” Sam says, still grinning ear to ear. “Oh yeah, T, Dani has agreed to dog sit while we’re home for Christmas.”

“That’s great because I really had no idea what you were going to do with him.” You bend down to scratch Titan behind his ears. His tail wags wildly. “Poor guy was going to be all alone for Christmas. Aren’t you glad to have some company Tites? Yeah, you are!” Your voice climbs an octave higher as you love on the dog. 

“Crap it’s already 5. I have to go. It was nice to meet you Tina. Sam, I’ll see you sometime soon I’m sure.” Dani says with a friendly smile on her face as she packs up her guitar. 

Sam walks her to the door and sees her out. “Bye!”

“I didn’t know you and Dani were friends.” You say after he shuts the door. 

He shrugs. “We’ve only worked together a few times. She doesn’t work much. She has another job. She only works at Spotlight when Santana isn’t there. It’s cool to have her to jam with though. I haven’t really had the chance to play with anyone since me and Puck were both in Lima last. Well, and Elliott the other night but he wasn’t actually playing…” He mumbles to himself. 

You smile. “You should play with her and Elliott more. You’ve always been super talented on the guitar.”

He beams. “Thanks! I grew up playing it.”

You watch as he strums a few more chords before pulling your phone. Ever since you and Sam confirmed that you were sleeping together to Brittany and Santana, Britt has been sending you pictures of you and Sam. Today’s picture is of the two of you sitting next to each other on stools in the middle of the choir room when you were both junior singing your goodbye song to the graduating seniors. You chuckle at the picture. You look happy, probably gazing at Mike, in a bright green dress, and Sam looks almost childlike wearing a cheesy grin with his hands pinned between his knees. You have no idea where Brittany is getting these pictures, but it’s kind of funny and so like her to send them.

You move on to checking your usual social networks. @MattyR posted a picture of himself on Instagram throwing a football. You always liked Matt Rutherford when he was in Glee club your first year. You didn’t ever actually know him very well since he transferred but he had been Mike’s best friend so you both had kept up with him. 

@everydayzaholliday posted a picture of her dressed up as a random historical figure, probably for one of the classes she was subbing for. You smile. You had been glad to see Ms. Holliday when she came back at the end of the year for Mr. Schue and the end of Glee club. 

You click on the WOHN-TV app and scroll through the stories then click on the police blotter. You gasp when you see it. 

“Holy shit.” Your mouth falls open. Sam stops playing and glances up at you. “Oh my God.”

“What is it?” He asks. 

“‘Ethan Peters, 21, was arrested last night for attempted armed robbery, unlawful possession of a weapon, and resisting arrest. Peters was also charged with possession of cocaine. No bail has been set.’” You read.

You’re both quiet for a minute. You can almost hear the wheels in Sam’s head turning. You stare at the mug shot. 

“Is he the guy…?” Sam finally asks. You nod slowly and hand him your phone. He scans the article. “‘Further investigation led to findings of downloaded child pornography on Peters’ computer dating back to 2010.’”

You stare at Sam incredulously. You know that will probably keep him in jail for a while. You feel the lump in your throat start to rise. Sam sits his guitar down and practically leaps from where he was sitting on the coffee table to next to you on the couch. 

“Shh. Don’t cry. It’s okay. They got him. You never have to worry about him again.” He strokes your hair as you crumple into sobs on his shoulder. You cling to him and completely break down. You’re not sure if you’re crying because you’re angry or relieved. On one hand, you’re angry that he hurt you and you’re angry at yourself for never speaking up. If you did you might have saved other people. On the other hand you’re just glad that he’s not out there to hurt anyone else and you, especially since you’re going back to Lima in a couple weeks. 

Sam sways with you slowly, his arms wrapped around you tightly. You feel him shudder slightly and you glance up, tears still streaming from your eyes. He quickly wipes the wetness from his eyes. 

“I just…I just can’t understand why anyone would want to hurt you…or anyone like that.” He says, his voice cracking a little, clenching his jaw out of anger.

You nod, curling into him more. You don’t understand it either. For as long as you live you’ll never be able to understand it.

An hour later Sam sits a bowl of vegetable soup in your hands and sits a glass of water on the coffee table. 

“Titan, sit.” He says sternly to the golden haired dog. 

“Thanks.” You mumble. You’ve been sitting in the same spot on the couch for a while now, just processing what you’ve read. You struggle with the guilt of thinking that people could have been hurt by him and it could have been prevented if you had spoken up. 

Sam watches you closely as you eat in a mildly uncomfortable silence. Finally, it’s too much for you. 

“Could you turn on the TV or something? Stop staring at me like I’m going to fall apart.” You snap at him. 

He clenches his jaw as a look of hurt flashes across his face. It leaves as quickly as it came and he flips the TV on to NBC to watch Jeopardy. After a few minutes, you glance at him again. He’s engrossed in the show, mumbling answers. 

“Hey…” You say softly, getting his attention. “I’m sorry for snapping at you. Thank you for dinner.” Your eyes, still burning from crying earlier, meet his. He gives you a small smile. 

“‘You just made a serious mistake.’ ‘Not as serious as yours, I fear…’” He says, his voice changing from a very deep impression of Batman to a very weird, but perfect sounding Bane, covering his mouth with his hand. He grins broadly at you and you can’t help but return the smile. “Don’t apologize. I get it. I mean, I don’t get it, but I get why you’re upset. You can take it out on me.”

“I don’t want to take it out on you. I don’t want to be the bitch anymore.” You make a face. 

“Aw T, you’re not a bitch.” He smirks at you. You narrows your eyes at him. “I’m being serious!”

 

**Wednesday, December 11, 2013**

You finished your last final this morning and you just left the Vogue.com office for the day. You’re so excited to have a whole three and a half weeks off from school. 

You arrive home to find Sam on the living room floor doing push-ups. 

“Hey!” You chirp at him and rub Titan on the head. 

“Hey.” He grunts at you, not looking up. 

“Everything okay? You’re doing it again. You’re freaking out and working out more than usual.” 

“Just stressing over…my script analysis class as usual.” He says between push-ups.

“Sam…don’t stress. You’re going to do great.” 

He pushes himself off the ground so that he’s standing in front of you, breathing heavily. You step closer to him and put both hands on his chest, right below his shoulders. 

“You are an incredible actor. You’ve been practicing all week and you have it nearly perfect. Who cares if you mess up a couple words? When you become a famous actor on some awesome sitcom or a badass movie, no one is going to care if you mix up a couple words and ad lib your own lines in. In fact, you’ll probably make the script that much better. You’ve got this and you need to believe in yourself as much as I believe in you.” You smile at him. He lips curl up into a soft smile and his cheeks turn a little red. “Aw Sammy, are you blushing?”

He scrunches his nose at you and tickles your sides. “No way Tina Cohen-Chang! But your pep talks are almost as good as Blaine’s, plus you smell really nice so it’s cool standing so close to you. I mean, Blaine smells nice too but like bro nice and I really like how girls smell.” He rambles. 

You giggle. “Oh just admit you like that raspberry hair gel smell.”

He considers it for a moment before grinning, still standing very close to you. “I’m a little more of a fan of your girly perfume. Kind of like my love of boobs. Just something I can’t change. Can’t really get into the whole cologne smell, unless it’s mine.” He shrugs. 

“Well…you know what I like?” You say, deepening your voice slightly, attempting to be sultry and sexy. He raises his eyebrows at you. “Boys who shower after they work out all afternoon and don’t smell like sweat.” You giggle, teasing him.

He swats at you before trying to stick his armpit in your face. You squeal and run towards the bathroom with both Sam and Titan on your heels. “Yeah well I take it back! You smell like a baby prostitute!” He shouts after you, laughing, quoting Mean Girls. 

You stop in the doorway of the bathroom and grab the neck of Sam’s shirt, pulling his face down to yours until your lips meet. You kiss him like he kissed you that first night, feverishly with a reckless passion. He pushes you further into the bathroom and starts stripping both of your clothes off. Even though you’ve seen him naked a couple dozen times now, you still ogle at his perfectly toned physique all the way from his broad, expansive shoulders to his lean, muscular calves. 

Guiding you with his naked body, you step into the shower and let the hot water rinse the sheen of sweat off of him. This is only the second time you’ve showered together, but you could really get used to this, intimacy and all. 

 

**Tuesday, December 17, 2013**

You thank Dr. Jameson on your way out the door of her office as usual and swallow hard, still fighting back tears from your session and practicing telling your parents. Last Tuesday you had planned to role play telling your parents with her, but you had been so distraught over the news of _his_ arrest and your own feelings of guilt that you hadn’t been able to talk about much else. 

Fortunately, this week you’ve been feeling much better about it, especially after talking it out with Dr. Jameson and telling Santana, Blaine, and Kurt. 

_“That’s him?” Santana glanced at your phone. You nodded slowly. She took it from your hands and looked closer. “I hope he fucking rots.”_

Her words bounced around in your head for days until you realized that you don’t feel the same way. Of course, he deserves a horrible punishment, but you felt the need to distance yourself from him on every level, including holding a grudge. You’re not sure that you’ll ever fully be able to forgive him, but you’ve worked so hard at moving on and the one step that you still struggle with is simply accepting that it happened and every decision you made afterwards was valid and okay. Holding a grudge, like a real thought-consuming grudge, got in the way of moving on. You’ll let Santana do the grudge holding for you. 

You make it to the street in front of the office building and see a familiar blond head on the opposite sidewalk. You dart across the crosswalk when the light turns and walk straight into the welcoming, comforting arms. 

“Hey! No, no, no, don’t cry, don’t cry. Tina. Are you okay?” Sam purses his lips together in concern and bends his head to look at you, still cradling you in his arms. 

You’re still for a moment before sniffling again and wiping a tear from your cheek. “I’m okay…I’m just really nervous about telling my parents…”

“Is that what you talked about with the head doctor?” He starts walking but keeps a firm grip on your hand.

You nod. “Yeah, I mean I know what I’m going to say and I have an idea what they’ll ask me but it’s scary. I don’t want to hurt them, but I know I’m going to. Or even worse…what if they blame me?” Your voice is barely above a whisper. He stops in his tracks and stands in front of you.

“There’s no possible way it could be your fault. Fact.” His eyes are wide with sincerity. “They’ll know that.”

You give him a grateful look and he steers you into the first Starbucks he sees and orders you both a coffee. He takes a seat across from you at a small table in the back of the cramped coffee shop and hands you the hot beverage. 

“Thanks.” You mumble. 

“So what is your family like? You never mention them much and they were never at our Glee club stuff…” Sam starts, looking at you cautiously. 

“Yeah, they’re usually pretty busy. They came to a few things, but I guess they never really make their presence known like Burt and Carole do.” You pause, sipping your drink. “Well my mom works for a bank and my dad is a lawyer so they have plenty of money, which is why we live in the apartment that we live in…they’re nice people, just kind of workaholics…um, so I was adopted when I was two…”

“From South Korea…”

You smile and nod at him, impressed he remembered. “Yes, South Korea. My dad is white and Jewish—the Cohen part of Cohen-Chang, but that doesn’t actually make me Jewish since your mom has to be Jewish or something… whatever, I don’t know. We’re not religious at all—”

“I am.” He interrupts you. 

“I know. You were in the God squad and you and Quinn went to the same church.” You tell him. 

“Sorry! Sometimes I miss going to church and stuff. I used to play guitar every Sunday and sing with Quinn. When my family moved away, I kind of stopped going.” He says, looking down. 

“I’d go with you some time if you wanted…I can’t promise I’d enjoy it or know what was going on though.” 

He smiles at you and gives you a nod. “Continue.” 

“Okay, anyway…my mom is Chinese American—the Chang part of my last name. But we’re not related to Mike’s family…we looked into that when we started dating because that would have been weird.” Sam chuckles. “My parents are older, like almost 60s…they adopted me when they were older, like in their 40s. My sister was already 14 when I was adopted. She actually lives in China now with her husband. I never see her…we weren’t ever close like you and your siblings. I kind of always got the feeling that she resented me since she was an only child for so long and then I came along. But anyway, she’s really into her Chinese culture so she moved there five years ago after she studied abroad in college.” 

He just watches you as you talk with a slightly amused expression as you ramble on about your family. It’s kind of a weird situation when you have to explain it all, but it’s completely normal to you. 

“My mom spent the first few years of her life in China and pretty much hated it. Her dad, my grandpa, was in the US military and met my grandma in China when he was stationed there—so my mom’s only half Chinese—so they moved here after a few years. She was really passionate about ‘rescuing’ Asian kids from bad conditions in orphanages, I guess, so that’s why they adopted me.” You shrug and take another sip of your coffee. 

“So what are they like now? Like strict or laid back…?” He tilts his head from side to side as if gesturing to two ends of a spectrum. 

“They’re laid back. They went through all of the angsty teen years with my sister and believe it or not I was actually the better kid. My sister is the real drama queen in my family so I was much less of a handful.”

“Tina, you were in the Glee club and you were almost Valedictorian…you weren’t a bad kid.” He laughs.

You grin. “You know what I mean, I’m emotional and that can be a handful, but my sister paved the way for me I guess.”

“What? You? Emotional? No way. Not at all.” Sam does his best over the top fake exaggeration. “It’s so weird, you like, never cry.”

You narrow your eyes at the blond boy and shake your head. “I don’t appreciate your sarcasm, Samuel.” He smirks at you at the mention of his full first name.

You glance at your phone. It’s only 12:30. You have over four hours until you agreed to meet Blaine at your favorite little sandwich shop for dinner. 

“What should we do until 6?” You look up at him quizzically. He shrugs. You sit in a comfortable silence for a moment until you remember the passes Isabelle gave you as an early Christmas present. 

“Have you ever been ice skating?” You grin at him. An eye-crinkling smile creeps across his face as he shakes his head. 

 

“Come on Sam, you have to at least step onto the ice.” You tease the blond boy. For being so athletic and kind of a daredevil sometimes, you’d think he wouldn’t be afraid of a little ice, but here he stands teetering on the blades on the black mat outside of the entrance of The Rink at Rockefeller Center. His eyes are wide.

“Tina, I’m going to fall! I know that’s like nothing for you because you’re like 4 feet off the ground, but I’m 6 feet tall! That’s a long drop.” He shouts and you laugh. The lady tearing tickets gives Sam a look before gesturing that he needs to move out of the way of the two small children standing behind him eagerly awaiting their turn on the ice.

You easily glide towards him and hold out a gloved hand. He grasps it tightly and gingerly steps onto the slippery white surface. Your parents enrolled you in figuring skating classes when you were a kid, instead soccer or gymnastics, so you know your way around the rink. 

You take his other hand and slowly skate backwards, pulling him forward. You grin as he nervously watches both of your feet. 

“See, not so bad.” You watch as his mouth opens slightly as he concentrates on not falling down. 

“I grew up knowing how to throw a football and hit a baseball, but we didn’t really go ice skating in Tennessee.” He says shakily, his grip tightening as one of his skates slips slightly out of his control. 

You pry his fingers from one of your hands, eliciting a “Whoa hey! No! Don’t let me go!” from him and move swiftly to skate beside him. 

“Just focus on one foot in front of the other, like walking.” You say as he intertwines his gloved fingers in yours. You feel a slight tingle in the lower half of your body, and it’s not from the cold air. You’ve gotten used to the constant contact but you’re starting to realize how much you miss it when he’s not touching you. You go out of your way to stand closer to him, to put a comforting hand on him, to tug on his arm—anything to touch him. 

Of course, you tell yourself it’s just because he’s such a great friend in your life and you love having him around. You ignore the tingling, except when the tingling is caused by other—sexual—reasons. 

Once Sam finds his footing the two of you skate around and around the rink for at least another hour, hands clasped together almost the entire time except for when Sam finally does slip and fall, pulling you down on top of him in a heap of laughter. 

“Ow! Right on the tail bone.” He chuckles, clutching his ass. “See I told you! And I even caught you so you didn’t hit the ground!”

“Aw Sammy, I fell for you and you caught me.” You coo at him, joking. He smiles and his gaze lingers for a second too long as you feel the blush creeping across your cheeks. 

You stand quickly and help to pull him to his feet. “One more lap then maybe we could find somewhere warm?”

He catches your eye and nods again, his expression wistful.

 

You sit with Sam in the booth waiting for Blaine glancing at the menu even though you both already know what you want. You spent the rest of the afternoon teasing each other and running in and out of clothing stores and other little shops in some of the more tourist-y districts of town. But now that you’re sitting next to him, your thighs gently brushing together every now and then, the silence is almost awkward. 

“Hey guys!” Blaine grins as he sits down across from you. You both look up and smile at the bouncy, bowtie loving boy. He immediately starts talking about his day and Kurt’s rehearsals for his upcoming Broadway debut, only taking a break to order food.

You and Sam both smile and nod when necessary, but otherwise remain quiet. You’re not sure why Sam is quiet, unless it’s for the same reason you’ve been quiet. The slightly awkward comment you made on the ice settled over you, daring you to actually take a closer look at your feelings. 

“What’s with you guys?” Blaine asks finally, pulling you out of your head. 

“Whaddya mean pilgrim?” Sam does an impression, his old standby. 

Blaine catches on. “Sam, you only use that impression when you’re nervous about something. What’s going on?”

He cuts his eyes at you, but then pulls out his phone. “I got an email earlier about my grades but I’m scared to open it. I can’t believe it’s taken this long for my grades to get posted…”

“Open it! What’s the worst that could happen?” You say, excitedly. You got your grades back within a couple days and you did great in all of your classes. 

“Um, I could have failed.” Sam deadpans. You and Blaine both stare at him anxiously as he taps the screen a few times to get to the email. He taps it one last time then shoves the phone at you. “I can’t read it.”

You skim the email and your face breaks into a broad smile. Blaine stares at you expectantly and Sam has his face in his hands. 

“Sam…you got straight A’s.” You tell him, as you feel yourself swell with pride over your best friend’s achievements. 

“What?” He snaps his head up and grabs the phone from your hand, his finger wrapping around yours. His eyes dart back and forth over the screen before his face lights up. “Oh my God! I got all A’s!” 

“Congratulations Sam, that’s amazing!” Blaine grins at his ‘best bro.’

You lean into him a little and smile. “I’m so proud of you! I told you, you’re a great actor and you’re going to go far.” You know how important this is to Sam. He’s struggled all his life in school because of his dyslexia and unconventional learning styles. Now he’s found his place and he’s doing great in school, something he probably never though possible. 

He wraps an arm around your shoulders, returning the half-hug and high-fiving Blaine. Blaine calls the waiter over and orders an ice cream sundae to share to celebrate Sam’s good news. All awkwardness from before fades as your three spoons scrape against the bowl. Over the dull hum of chatter from the sandwich shop patrons you hear The Paper Kites’ Bloom. The acoustic melody creates the perfect soundtrack for your day. You turn so that your back is against the wall and your toes are tucked under Sam’s thigh in the booth and smile, watching your two best friends chatter on. 

Your stomach flip-flops as you listen to the lyrics and replay your day with Sam. Mentally, you re-watch yourself pull him around the ice skating rink and hold his hand on the sidewalk. You watch yourself double over laughing at his jokes and stick your tongue out as he teases you. 

_Shall I write it in a letter?_   
_Shall I try to get it down?_   
_Oh, you fill my head with pieces_   
_Of a song I can't get out._

You watch Sam now as he talks to Blaine, his mouth moving quickly and excitedly, taking over his face. You watch the corners of his eyes crinkle as he laughs. He runs his hand through his short hair making it stand up at weird angles, giving it the messy look that you love.

_When the evening pulls the sun down,_   
_And the day is almost through,_   
_Oh, the whole world it is sleeping,_   
_But my world is you._

You look away, struggling to ignore the tingling feeling you get from the nearness of the blond boy. Blaine looks at you and pulls you back into the conversation and you end the night laughing along with your ‘friendly threesome’ to many of the Blond Chameleon’s jokes at the expense of Nightbird and Asian Persuasion. 

 

**Friday, December 20, 2013**

Your flight doesn’t leave for another couple hours, but you’ve already packed and your bags are next to Sam’s at the door. Now you’re just sitting around waiting for Dani to drop by to pick up Titan.

Sam strolls into the living room from the kitchen and ruffles your hair, making your stomach flip again. You watch the muscles ripple under his t-shirt as he picks up his guitar. His calloused fingers slide easily up and down the neck as he picks out a tune, biting his bottom lip in concentration. 

He strums a few more chords, finally deciding on the ones he wants, and hums along to his very stripped down acoustic version of Justin Timberlake’s Not a Bad Thing. You smile. You like this song a lot. 

He sings a little louder.

_I know people make promises all the time_   
_Then they turn right around and break them_   
_When someone cuts your heart open with a knife, and you're bleeding_   
_But I could be that guy to heal it over time_

His eyes flicker up to yours before looking down at his left hand on the neck of the guitar, grinning. 

_And I won’t stop until you believe it_   
_Cause baby you’re worth it_

You sing over him on the chorus, avoiding his eyes. You twirl around the room trying to make Titan dance with you. You act silly in an attempt to ease the tension you’re imagining. The song is basically a declaration of love, and ever since Santana and Brittany’s comments at Thanksgiving and your silly slip of the tongue on the ice skating rink, the tingling feeling you get deep in your stomach every time you’re near him is almost unbearable.

He strums the last few chords of the song before setting his guitar down.

“Aw, Trouty Mouth sang and angels wept.” You snark, grinning at him, trying desperately to ignore the butterflies in your stomach. 

He sticks his tongue out at you. “I just like the song and it’s one of Justin’s more acoustic songs so it’s easier to play on an acoustic guitar.”

“I like it too and as usual, you are so talented on that thing.” You say, gesturing to his guitar. It’s the same one you helped the Glee club buy back for him when he pawned it sophomore year. It’s a little beat up, but it’s so _him_.

He gently massages Titan’s ears, grabbing his head in both hands. You jump to answer the door when Dani buzzes and you prop your apartment door open as she races up the stairs. 

“Hi Tina!” She chirps with a smile on her face. “Hey buddy!” She giggles as Titan jumps up on her legs before she can get in the door. 

You and Sam both grin like happy parents at the dog for liking Dani so much. “Thank you so much for taking care of this guy, Dani.” Sam goes in for a hug from the pink-haired girl. 

“It’s no problem! I love the company. My roommate is almost always out so my apartment gets lonely sometimes.” She says, a little sadly, but the smile never leaving her face as she pets Titan. 

You frown though. “What are you doing on Christmas? You won’t be alone, will you?”

“Oh, no. Elliott is going to be town too and we’re going to have lunch with a couple of my other friends. Don’t worry!” 

Sam looks as relieved as you feel. You don’t know the girl very well, but she’s nice enough and no one should have to spend Christmas alone. 

After helping Dani get all of Titan’s things and lugging both yours and Sam’s suitcases on to two different subway trains and a bus, you finally arrive at LaGuardia Airport. Sam’s flight doesn’t leave until half an hour after yours so he waits with you at your gate. 

“Gonna miss me?” He smiles shyly at you from his seat next to you. 

“Of course, Sammy.” You grin back, putting any emphasis on his nickname. “You’re an awesome roommate, among other things.”

He chuckles. 

“Are you excited to see your family?” You ask him. His face immediately lights up even more. 

“So excited. I already promised Stevie I’d play Lego Star Wars with him on the Xbox and teach Stacey a new song on her violin since the finger placement is almost like the guitar.” Sam gushes. 

You grin. He’s adorable when he talks about his little siblings. 

“You ready to be back in Lima?” He turns, propping his head up on his elbow on the back of the seat, so that he’s facing you now. 

You shrug. “Kind of. I’ve made plans to see some of the newbie New Directions, like Marley and Unique…I’m excited to see my parents, but I’m really nervous…”

He nods, knowing what you’re nervous about. “Well if you need any moral support, I’m a phone call away. Blaine always says I’m pretty good with moral support and all that.”

“You are pretty great for that.” You smile at him again.

“…now boarding First Class passengers for flight #492, nonstop to Toledo, Ohio.” You hear over the loud speaker. Others around you are forming a line at the counter, waiting for coach to be called. 

Sam jumps up and pulls you up by your hand. “You better get in line.” You nod and pull your suitcase toward you and hoist your oversized purse onto your shoulder before looking back up at the blond boy. He reaches down and cups your cheeks, pulling you in for a kiss. It’s slow but desperate. Not in the usual, wanting to rip your clothes off way, but in a way that says he doesn’t want to let go. Your stomach does backflips as your hands creep around to his lower back, his kiss leaving you breathless. 

Finally, he pulls back and looks into your eyes before pulling you into a tight hug. You bury your face in his firm chest and squeeze him tight. You start to feel tears form in your eyes. _Get it together, Tina. It’s only a week._ You tell yourself. You blink a few times to compose yourself before reluctantly letting go of him. 

“See you in a few days.” He smiles at you. His gaze lingers way too long before he finally looks down and shuffles his feet. 

“Have a safe trip. I’ll miss you.” You say, smiling at him involuntarily. The bashful look on his face is way too cute not to smile at. 

“I’ll miss you too.” He says, looking up and returning your smile. “Only a phone call away, don’t forget!”

You grin and move to stand in line behind the other passengers. Out of the corner of your eye you see him wheel his suitcase out of your gate to go to his own gate. You turn and watch him walk away, only to see him turn back to look at you. He gets an embarrassed look on his face but gives you a smile and a wave. 

You finally board the plane and take your seat. Popping your headphones in, you tap shuffle on your ‘breathe’ playlist. Each song in one way or another is soothing, reminding you to breathe. You need that right now because it feels like the breath was knocked out of you. Ever since Thanksgiving, you’ve felt whatever it is that you feel for Sam and you can feel the atmosphere between the two of you changing. You haven’t kissed just to kiss without sex being involved since then partly because you’re both starting to feel guilty about not telling Blaine and partly because of the tension between the two of you. It’s obviously not sexual tension, since you haven’t stopped doing that. 

It also doesn’t help that Brittany won’t stop sending you pictures of you and Sam. This morning you got one of the two of you from last Christmas when you were in charge of the decorating the Glee club’s Christmas tree in Sue’s Green Christmas Contest. Yesterday you got one of Sam crowning you queen at prom in the choir room after you changed. Brittany wasn’t even there for that so you know someone else is helping her out. They’re cute pictures though and you’re always tempted to set them as your background on your phone. 

You sigh. You have no idea what’s going on with you and Sam, but now you’re focused on how you’re going to tell your parents that you were raped. Merry freaking Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Credits:
> 
> Made in the USA - Demi Lovato  
> Bloom - The Paper Kites  
> Not a Bad Thing - Justin Timberlake


	10. Addicted To You

**Sunday, December 22, 2013**

_I’m nervous._ You tap out on your iPhone screen from where you’re sitting on your feet on the couch in your parents’ living room. 

Sam responds within seconds. _I know. But it’ll be fine. They love you. If anything bad happens you can just hop a plane to Kentucky and stay with me._ You smile. You can almost hear him saying that. You’ve been texting Sam on and off for the past couple days. It’s only been two days and you already miss him. 

And you still haven’t told your parents. You planned to tell them sooner rather than later so you wouldn’t have to dwell on it all break, but when you got back Friday night it was late and last night they took you out for dinner…so tonight’s the night. You’re just waiting for both of them to stop running around so they can sit down and talk. 

_Thanks. I’m sure I’ll adjust to your southern ways eventually. :P_ You text him back. 

_Oh darlin you’ll fit right in, except your lips are too small sorry._ You make a face at his reply. You have no idea what he’s talking about.

_Um what? I have no idea what that means._

_That’s how people’s lips look, where I come from in the southhhhhh_ He replies instantly, a music note emoticon following Santana’s infamous Trouty Mouth lyrics. You laugh out loud and your mom pokes her head in the room. 

“I didn’t even know you were in here!” She smiles at you. “What are you doing?”

“Just got a funny text.” You wave your phone at her. “But um…could you and dad come in here? I need to talk to you about something.”

She furrows her brow, obviously sensing that this is important and leaves to find your dad. You send a quick text back to Sam. 

_You’re too funny. I’m telling them now…wish me luck._

_You’ll be fine T. Just a phone call away. Don’t forget!_ He replies, bringing another smile to your face. 

Seconds later your mom comes back in followed by your dad who looks equally worried. Your dad takes a seat beside you on the couch and your mom sits across from you in an armchair. 

Your mom studies you for a second. Your brow furrows and your lips purse as you wring your hands together. “Is everything okay? Is school going okay? Is it New York? Do you want to come home?”

You shake your head. “No, all of that is fine. This is something that…it happened a while ago but I’ve kind of just got around to dealing with it.”

You take a deep, shaky breath. It’s now or never. You just start talking. You stare at your hands the entire time, not daring to see their reactions. You’ve having a hard enough time holding back your own tears and you know looking at them will crush you. 

Dr. Jameson helped you decide what exactly to tell your parents. You obviously leave out the worst details, mostly to spare their feelings and partly because you don’t want to retell the story again. 

You swallow hard and take another deep breath to steady yourself as you finish. “I never told you because I blamed myself. I was out partying and you didn’t know about it. I had been awful to Mike, which is why I was there. I kept thinking that if I hadn’t put myself in that situation then it would have never happened…that it was my fault that it happened because I was being stupid.”

You peek up at your parents. Your dad’s face is red and his head is bowed. Your mom just stares at you with her mouth slightly open and a look of horror on her face. You let the tears fall. Your dad immediately pulls you into a tight hug as you sob on his shoulder. 

“Tina, this isn’t your fault. We know it’s not your fault.” Your dad says, his voice cracking. You’re startled when you feel another pair of arms wrap around you. You hadn’t noticed your mom move. 

You all hold each other like that for a while, both of them assuring you that it wasn’t your fault, apologizing for not being there, and for not making themselves available for you to talk to after you and Mike broke up. 

Finally, the three of you say good night and you head up the stairs to your old bedroom. You exhale deeply and pull out your phone to call the only person you want to share this with.

“Finally. I was about to call you myself.” Sam answers. You smile. “How did it go?”

“It went…okay. I mean as well as it could have I guess. There were tears and hugs, but nothing that I was afraid of happening happened.”

“I told you. There was no way they could be mad at you or blame you because it wasn’t your fault.”

“I know. It was just hard to see them hurting. But at least the worst part is over.” You say, sighing. 

“It is. And that asshole is locked up and you’ll never have to see him again.” Sam says, sounding confident.

You smile, then remember that he can’t see you. “Thanks. Somehow you always know what to say.”

He scoffs. “That’s a new one. I’m usually the one to get nervous and stick my foot in my mouth or do a stupid impression that no one thinks is funny.”

“Aw Sammy, that’s not true at all. I think your impressions are funny.” You say, getting a cute chuckle out of him, along with another spot on impression. 

You find yourself saying more and more things that you know will make him smile, even though you can’t see him. Sam texts you off and on over your weeklong break at home and you catch yourself double checking your messages on your phone just in case you missed a text more than once. 

Normally you love Christmas, but now all you can think about is going back to New York to your friends, and a certain blond headed roommate. 

 

**Sunday, December 29, 2013**

And finally you do go back home—your New York home. 

You’ve been home for a day actually, but Sam doesn’t come back until today. You’re anxious and excited to see him. You spent most of your week thinking about him, and sending a few racy texts back and forth about what you’re going to do when you see him again. 

Christmas had been fun, like most Christmases with your family. You and your parents Skyped your sister Christmas morning before she went to bed in China where she’s 12 hours ahead. You spent the rest of the morning around the tree with your parents opening presents before some of your extended family came over to have Christmas dinner. It’s so much fun seeing all of your younger cousins running around and opening presents. 

Blaine sent you a few pictures from LA where he and his parents spent their Christmas visiting Cooper. _Look familiar?_ He asked after sending a picture of he and Cooper in silly poses in front of the Hollywood sign, poses very similar to the ones you, Blaine and the rest of the Glee club in various tourist destinations all over LA when you went for Nationals. 

Dani brought Titan home yesterday afternoon after you’d gotten back. She actually stuck around to chat for a little while and you can definitely see why Sam likes her. She’s friendly and down to earth, too bad she and Santana didn’t really end of good terms. It was different when two people in the Glee club got together and then broke up. People took sides but in the end no one was left out. Dani wasn’t ever a part of the tight knit group so she pretty much got cut out completely by Rachel and Kurt even though she had been a part of Kurt’s band. The Glee kids are very loyal to their own, always have been, if it is Santana.

You glance at your phone. Two new messages. The first is yet another picture message from Brittany of you and Sam. This one is one she somehow sneakily took at Rachel’s Halloween get-together of the two of you gazing at each other with stupid grins on your faces sitting beside one another on the couch in your costumes. Sam looks so hot in his skimpy golden shorts. The second message is a text from Sam.

 _Finally back on solid ground. Be home in a little bit!_

You feel your stomach flutter with nerves. You had some time to think over your break. And you figured it was as good a time as ever to take a closer look at your feelings for Sam. Obviously you like him, more than just your best friend that you occasionally have sex with. There’s really no denying that. And you’re pretty sure he likes you too, but you have no idea what your relationship is or could be. You live together. You need to sit down and talk it out together. But unfortunately you won’t really have a chance to. 

Burt and Carole Hudson-Hummel are coming to town tomorrow to take Kurt, Blaine, and Sam to Niagara Falls for a New Years vacation, or gay-cation as you’ve been calling it. It makes sense. Obviously Kurt is their actual son, Blaine is Kurt’s fiancé so he’s nearly in the family, and Sam is kind of like their surrogate son. But since they’re leaving tomorrow and tonight will undoubtedly be spent on _other activities_ , you won’t really have a chance to talk. 

Titan lifts his head from where he was resting it on your thigh, sensing your tension. You jump up and start pacing the room, straightening things and busying yourself, trying to calm your nerves. You have no idea why all of a sudden you’re a complete basket case about seeing Sam. You’ve lived with him for months now and you’ve been having sex for months now too. Titan trails behind you as you walk to your room. You pace around a little before sitting down at your desk/vanity and plugging your iPod in and playing some music. You turn the volume up and grab a bottle of light green nail polish to paint your nails. The color is so pretty and makes you think of green pools of water. As your nails dry, you jump up and dance around the room with Titan, singing along to Florence + the Machine’s Dog Days Are Over and clapping to the beat. 

You spin around and yelp in surprise when you see Sam leaning on the doorframe smirking at you. The music was so loud that you didn’t hear him come in. You turn it down and smile back at him. Butterflies erupt in your stomach as he walks in the room, arms out ready to hug you. 

But instead of the hug you were expecting, his lips land on yours. They move excitedly with yours and you both fall back on to the bed, only to have Titan jump on top of you. 

“Ugh Titan, you cockblock you!” Sam pretends to scold the dog with a grin on his face as he hovers over your. You throw your arms across your own face to block the doggy kisses. “Come on buddy!”

The bed shifts as Sam gets up and skips out of the room, making Titan follow him. You hear him squeak a toy to occupy him and he slips back in and shut the door. He gives you a goofy grin and lies down beside you. 

You roll to the side so that you’re facing him, your foreheads nearly touching. You put a hand on the side of his face and lightly brush your thumb just beneath his eye. Your freshly painted nail matches the deep green pools that are his eyes perfectly. No wonder you liked the color. He inches closer until his lips meet yours again. This time his kisses are slow and deliberate. They keep time with the song that fills the room before the beat picks up. 

_Guess I should have seen it coming,_  
 _Caught me by surprise..._  
 _I wasn't looking where I was going,_  
 _I fell into your eyes._  
 _You came into my crazy world like a cool and cleansing rain._  
 _Before I, I knew what hit me baby you were flowing through my veins..._  
 _I’m addicted to you._

The lyrics from Avicii’s Addicted To You hit you like a ton of bricks, describing exactly how you feel, as Sam pushes you down and presses his body weight into yours, kissing your neck. You are addicted and you are falling. 

You rake your fingers through his blond hair and pull his shirt up and over his head. He does the same with yours and then your pants until your bare skin is pressed against his. His hips grind against yours teasing you as he trails kisses over your shoulders. You nip his ear, eliciting a sharp gasp from him, turning you on even more. 

He continues to tease you more with his hips until he pushes into you hard. You squeeze your eyes shut as let your body react on its own accord, a whimper escaping your lips. His hips keep time with every song, even though you barely register that there is music playing because of the perfectly sculpted body and full, soft lips on you. He continues to drag his lips along your jaw until you feel his tongue teasing your bottom lip.

You kiss him hard and hold him close until kissing becomes too hard to do. His eyes lock with yours and his mouth falls open in a gasp. He buries his face in your neck and Miley’s Adore You punctuates his sharp breaths in your ear. You push against him and roll both of you over so that you’re on top looking down on him. His lips part as he watches you roll your hips slowly, his eyes full of lust. You’re not sure that you’ve ever seen someone look so beautiful. 

You lower yourself down to his level again, taking his lips in yours kissing him passionately. 

_And when you say you need me_  
 _Know I need you more_  
 _Boy, I adore you, I adore you_

You grind your hips into his matching the pace of Miley’s very sensual song. A soft moan escapes his lips and he shudders beneath you, pushing you over the edge. 

He barely lets you catch your breath before flipping you over, pinning you down, and engulfing your lips in his. His fingers intertwine with yours as he pushes them above your head. 

Your eyes rolls back and you brace yourself for round two. Then again, you can’t ever get enough of those lips on you. You have more sex tonight than you ever have before in just one night. 

 

**Monday, December 30, 2013**

After untangling yourself from Sam, you nudge him awake, surprised that he hadn’t already gotten up. His eyes flutter open and he grins at you lazily. 

“Hi.” 

“Hi yourself.” You return the smile. “You should probably get up soon. You have to be at Kurt’s at 11.”

He hums in agreement as his eyes shut again and he smiles. “Five more minutes.” 

You giggle and run your hands over his exposed chest. His smile widens and he struggles to keep his eyes shut. He obviously isn’t really sleeping and he cracks one eye open to peek at you. 

“I see you.” 

“Nuh uh. I’m sleeping. Shh.” He shushes you with a grin. 

You lightly wiggle your fingers against his sides causing him to squirm. His eyes pop open as he wriggles out of your reach, only to pin your hands above your head and drop his lips into yours. It’s a soft peck, but just enough to leave you feeling breathless. You smile back at him as he pushes himself up to his knees and stretches with his arms over his head. 

“I have to pack. I never even unpacked last night…” He mumbles to himself and then gives you a goofy, lopsided grin. “Wanna help?”

“Coffee first.” You say with a smile. 

The two of you spend the next hour searching for enough clean underwear to last Sam a couple days, walking the dog, and munching on blueberry bagels from the bakery down the street. Last, you get yourself dressed and quickly run your straightener over your already straight hair to get out the weird bedhead kinks. 

“Ready?” He asks as you leave your room. He bends down and kisses Titan on the head, giving the dog a hug. “I’m sorry I’m leaving you again buddy. I know Tina isn’t nearly as much fun as I am but she’ll have to do for a couple days.”

You roll your eyes and smirk at him. “Come on Trouty. Let’s go.” He sticks his tongue out at you and leads the way out the door. 

You agreed to see the boys off at Kurt and Blaine’s apartment to meet up with Rachel for lunch afterwards. You’re guessing she probably wanted you there so she wouldn’t be the odd one out not headed to Niagara Falls, but you know she really wanted to see Burt and Carole again, especially Carole. 

It’s a few minutes after 11 when Sam presses the button next to the number 412. You hear a click and push the door open to trudge up the four flights of stairs. 

“Hey Tay Tay!” Blaine opens the door just as you reach the last step and pulls you in for a hug. “How was your Christmas?”

“It was great! It was so good to see my family again. How was LA?” 

“Sunny! It was a lot of fun. Cooper’s an idiot, but what’s new? Hey Sam!” He untangles himself from you and bro-hugs Sam, who has an army green duffle bag slung over his shoulder. He gestures for the two of you to come in. 

Carole greets you with a smile as she stands up from the couch. Burt engulfs Sam in a bear hug and Carole reaches out to you. You wrap your arms around the brunette woman. 

“Tina, it’s so great to see you again.” She flashes you a genuine smile before swapping places with Burt to hug her surrogate son. 

“Hey Tina, how ya doing?” Burt squeezes you in a hug too. 

“Great!” You chirp, returning his friendly smile and hug. You catch Rachel’s eye. She has a warm, yet sad smile on her face. Kurt rests a hand on her shoulder. She looks up at him and they start whispering quietly to each other. 

You turn back to Sam and Blaine. “I can’t believe you’re stealing my roommate away from me. I just got him back!” You throw an exasperated look Blaine’s away and wrap your arms around Sam’s middle. 

Blaine grins. “Sorry T. Family vacay!” You can tell he’s excited about being included in Kurt’s family vacation. 

Blaine turns back to his future in-laws and Sam wraps his arms around you, returning your hug. He leans his head down so his lips graze your ear.

“I’ll miss you.” He singsongs in a whisper. “I know Titan isn’t as good of a cuddler as I am.”

You giggle. “Definitely not. Not nearly slobbery enough.”

He gasps and feigns offense, pulling away from you before the others start to notice your long embrace. “I do not slobber. Unless I’m, ya know, eating out.” He wiggles his eyebrows and smirks, winking for the added effect.

You roll your eyes and swat him on the chest. “Mind always in the gutter.”

He grins and looks back towards everyone else. Rachel and Carole are holding hands on the couch, talking animatedly. You busy yourself with Blaine and Kurt until Carole finally stands and gives Rachel another long, tight hug. You spot Rachel quickly wipe her eyes and flash a teary smile. 

“Boys, you ready?” Carole asks, looking to her husband, who gives her an understanding look. 

The three boys all nod and turn to give you and Rachel one last goodbye hug. The five of you squeeze together in a giggle-filled group hug. Sam ends up squished against you and buries his face in your hair, kissing your ear lightly, sending chills down your spine. Your face reddens and Kurt seems to notice. He gives you a confused look and you just shrug, hoping he doesn’t actually notice Sam. 

Fortunately, no one seems to notice Sam’s display of affection and the hug breaks up and everyone makes their way out the door. You and Rachel wave goodbye on the sidewalk and walk the opposite way to some weird restaurant she rattles off. 

You take a seat opposite her at a small table in the back of a very trendy looking café. You glance at the menu for a minute and order the safest looking option. Rachel orders something weird and off the wall. 

She looks up at you with slightly sad eyes and studies you for a minute. “Are you still seeing Dr. Jameson? I’m sorry…I don’t mean to pry. I just…she’s helped me so much and if you’re seeing her I’m assuming you had something going on.” She says quickly. 

You nod. “Yeah, she’s been great. And…it’s okay.” You pause, swallow hard, and tell her your reason for seeing Dr. Jameson. You’d obviously never just volunteer your story for random strangers, but you consider Rachel a close friend. Over the past few months, she’s really grown on you again. You’re reminded that you did actually like her a lot. Your senior year had kind of warped your picture of her since you rarely actually saw her in person. All you saw were braggy Instagram pictures and constant tweets about her being a star. You had forgotten that there is a real person underneath the diva. 

Her eyes glaze over with tears and she grabs your hands across the table. “Tina, I’m so sorry. That should have never happened to you.”

“You’re right, but I’m okay—at least, I’m getting there—with Dr. Jameson’s help. I’ve gotten much closer to being the person I was junior year. I feel a lot better. Things are going so well here…almost too well. I’m kind of afraid of the bottom falling out from under me.”

“I know the feeling.” She nods as she munches on her vegan lunch. “After Finn died…I seriously did not know how I was going to move on, ever. Even though we weren’t together at the time, he was always a part of me and we always knew where we’d end up. He’d be teaching, probably at McKinley,” She pauses and smiles, “and I’d be wrapping up a world wind career on Broadway and we’d settle down, have a family, build a life together. Time was always something so…so trivial. We figured we’d have so much of it and we’d pick right back up when we were ready for each other.” She exhales shakily and bows her head for a moment. 

You blink back tears. You’d never heard her say these things before and it makes your heart heavy. They may have not been in the ideal relationship, but Finn and Rachel were made for each other. 

She looks back up at you with slightly watery eyes, but still holding herself together. “I didn’t think I’d ever move on or even just live again. But that’s not what he would have wanted. He would have wanted me to live and love and make all of my dreams come true, even if the one I wanted most had been taken away. So I started seeing Dr. Jameson. She helped me get back to where I am now…to where I can sit here and tell you all of this without breaking down or just shutting down completely. And like you said, too good to be true…I got the lead in a Broadway show. I go to the school of my dreams. My life is so surreal and way too good to be true, but you have to embrace it. If losing Finn taught me anything it’s that life is way to short to worry over what might happen or what could be.” She grabs your hands across the table again. “Embrace it, Tina. You deserve the world and you can’t let that monster and what he did to you stand in your way of living the life you want. Nothing is too good to be true.”

You’re crying now and you can’t figure out how Rachel isn’t crying. She quickly stands and sits down next to you on your side of the booth. 

“I’m going to hug you now.” She says with a smile, making you chuckle through your tears. Her arms wrap around you tightly and she holds you for a second before letting go and looking at you again. 

“You’re in New York, doing what you love, with friends who love you, Tina. And as one Miss Barbra Streisand said ‘you have got to discover you, what you do, and trust it.’”

You grin at the crazy diva. “Thank you. I think I really needed to hear all of that.”

She smiles her signature Rachel smile and slides back into her seat. Rachel steers the rest of your conversation to lighter topics so you can both avoid crying on your food more. When you’re finished you both pay and walk towards the subway station. 

She hugs you goodbye and turns to walk away before turning around and shouting. “Be at my apartment at 7 sharp!” 

You laugh and promise to be on time. 

 

**Tuesday, December 31, 2013**

Since the boys are out of town, all of the girls decided you’d have your own New Years fun. Brittany is in New York until her classes start back next week, both Rachel and Santana have the night off from work, and Mercedes is in town. You haven’t seen her since the end of the Glee club but you’re a little anxious since she is Sam’s ex, and not an ex like Quinn or Santana or even Brittany. She’s Sam’s first love. You’re not sure why she’s in town, but you’re excited to see her nevertheless. 

You adjust your dark gray circular-patterned J. Crew pants that you paired with black ankle boots with a slight heel and solid black blouse with a boxy neckline. You obviously have your coat on, but you add a bright turquoise statement necklace just to offset all of the black, even though it’s totally still your favorite color to wear. Now you just wear it in trendy ways instead of your old goth standby. 

You raise a fist to the door and bang loudly. 

“Teeeeena!” You hear Brittany squeal from the other side of the door before flinging it open. She immediately tackles you in a hug. 

“Hi Britt.” You giggle. You actually appreciate how tactile the tall blonde girl is. Between her, Rachel, and Sam, you get tons of hugs all the time. 

She grabs your hand and pulls you into the living room where Santana is already nursing a glass of red wine and Mercedes is lounging on the other couch. 

“Hey girlie.” She flashes a dazzling grin at you. You return the smile and make your way over to give her a hug. You plop down on the couch next to her as Rachel walks into the room carrying two glasses of wine. She hands you one before taking a seat next to Santana. 

Your phone buzzes with a text from none other than Sam Evans continuing your text conversation. 

_We’re finishing dinner then definitely hitting up the pool. Gotta show off these washboard abs ;)_

_Any chance you get to take your shirt off, even it is just for two gay boys who aren’t into you anymore. Poor Sammy._ You respond with a smirk. 

Your attention is pulled away from your phone and back to your friends. “So you guys, tell me everything! What’s been going on here?” Mercedes asks. You all take turns telling her about your lives before bombarding her with questions about her record deal. 

She grins and shrugs. “Well, Tina, it’s like I told you guys at Nationals. They want my writing and I’m giving it to them but only under the condition that I get to release my music and get all the perks. I actually have one of my songs with me, if you guys would like to hear what a star sounds like.”

She’s assaulted with squeals from three of you and a ‘hell yes Wheezy’ from Santana. She gets up and plugs her iPhone into Rachel’s speakers and presses play. Beautiful piano music fills the room before Mercedes’ soulful voice washes over you. Mercedes stares at her hands, looking uncharacteristically bashful as the four of you are mesmerized by her angelic melody. 

You immediately fall in love with your friend’s song simply because of how amazing she sounds. But upon paying closer attention to the words your stomach drops. The song is actually pretty sad. 

_Give me back green greens and goldens_  
 _My purples, my blues you stole them_  
 _How long will I be broken?_

You furrow your brow. Who is she singing about? You glance at Santana, whose eyes are locked on yours. She raises her eyebrows as if she knows exactly what you’re thinking. 

The song ends and all four of you cheer. 

“Mercedes, that was beautiful!” Rachel squeals, bouncing a little and sloshing her wine. Santana grins and nods at her. 

“So amazing, Mercedes. I’m so excited for you!” You say with a smile, even though you’re still feeling a little uneasy. 

“Thanks guys. It means to much to me that I have your support.” She looks at all of you gratefully. 

“But why is it so sad?” Brittany frowns. Your ears perk up. 

She sighs. “It’s actually kind of an old song…one that I started writing a couple of years ago, but then just finished this past year. It’s about society, more than it is about just one person. Last year, I had a fling with this guy, who was really amazing. It ended up not really working out but it was awesome while it lasted. But some of the people that I was working with didn’t like it…because he was white.”

“What?! Why? Who cares if he was white!” Rachel says indignantly. 

“That’s what the song is about. It’s about the struggle of facing those small-minded people and then the clarity of realizing that it doesn’t matter. But I actually started writing it after I dated Sam.” She says, your heart stops. “People used to say things to him all the time about him dating a woman of color and sometimes people even said things to me about dating a white boy. I tried not to care, but it takes a toll. So then it happened again. I thought this time it would be different because I was a grown woman in LA. Who cares, right? But people talked. It’s crazy.”

Santana’s eyes flicker to you before she speaks up. “That’s insane. So what if you like a little white chocolate with your hot cocoa? If I can date Brittany and it be okay, then there’s no reason in the world why you can’t date a white boy, even if white guys are totally cheesy and disgusting.” She grins. 

“So wait…” Brittany looks at her with her head tilted to the side. “Is that song about Sam?”

“It was when I first started and it kind of still is. But it’s not like that at all. Sam and I are just friends. We had a great time together, but we’re not right for each other.”

“So are you over him?” Santana pries. 

“Yes, Satan, I’m over Sam. Why the third degree?”

“Just curious Wheezy.”

As if on cue your phone buzzes again. 

_*gasp* They are so into these abs. Who wouldn’t be? You certainly are._

You struggle to maintain your poker face. _Jumping to conclusions, are we?_

You get an almost immediate response, with an accompanying picture. Sam is standing in front of the mirror in green and navy board shorts, eyes narrowed and lips puckered, flexing his entire upper body. 

_Now tell me you don’t want all up on this_

You bite down on your bottom lip and glance at Santana and Brittany. They’re both still engrossed in conversation with Rachel and Mercedes. 

_I’d like all of that back in my bed for a take two of the other night. THAT was hot._ You reply, blushing slightly at your own words. 

You try your hardest to get back into the conversation with your friends. 

“…no, I promise you that I am over Sam Evans.” Mercedes chuckles. Your worry eases. Not even a nostalgic look passes her features. “Why does it matter anyway? I live in LA, and you and him broke up and you’re with Santana now, Brittany.”

Brittany grins at you and pops a kiss on her girlfriend’s cheek. “It doesn’t matter to me!”

Santana’s eyes widen slightly as she tries to cover her and Brittany’s tracks. “We’re just curious, Aretha. I mean you wrote and recorded a song written about and inspired by him.”

“Well, artists do that all the time, Santana.” Rachel says, coming to Mercedes’ defense. “They pull from past experiences, especially one’s in which emotions ran high, usually about exes and previous relationships, even if they’re currently seeing someone else.”

“Okay dwarf, no need to act like an encyclopedia.” Santana rolls her eyes, but grins with Brittany pokes her in the side. 

Your phone buzzes again. 

_You’re hot, especially when you’re naked ;)_

You feel your face redden. 

_Not as hot as you, Mr. Washboard abs. Go enjoy the pool you dork_

He doesn’t text back after that, so you assume he did get in the pool. 

“And Santana, I recall you writing a song about Sam Evans too.” Mercedes gives her a pointed look before they both start laughing. 

“Okay and Rachel wrote a song about a headband. What’s your point?” Santana chuckles. 

“My Headband was amazing.” Rachel huffs. You all start cracking up and trading stories about high school and your new lives. 

You’re laughing at one of Mercedes’ stories about how she almost accidentally ran into Leonardo DiCaprio on purpose when you feel your phone buzz in your lap. You pick it up and slide your thumb across the screen to open the new message notification from Sam. 

_Blaine knows and he’s pissed._ Your smile fades. “Shit.”

The other girls look at you. “What happened?” Mercedes asks just as your phone buzzes again and Blaine’s face pops up on the screen. 

You hold up a finger, signaling for them to give you a minute and you answer the phone, walking out of the room and into the bathroom. 

“Hey Blaine, wha—” You chirp, hoping he’ll just be cool about it, but you’re cut off. 

“Tina, what the hell! You’re sleeping with Sam? For how long?” He sounds angry. 

“Um…a couple months.”

“A couple months!? Why? Why would you…I can’t believe the two of you, my two _best friends_ would keep this from me?” He yells. 

“Well, we kind of wanted to avoid this…” You try to keep the sarcasm out of your voice. 

“I can’t believe you’d do this. And lie to me about it. You’re sleeping around…with Sam? Of all people.”

“I’m not sleeping around, Blaine. It’s Sam. Our best friend.” You counter, this time not caring how your voice sounds. You can feel the anger growing in your chest. 

“You might as well be! You’re certainly acting like a whore. Did you not learn from last summer?” He screams into the phone. 

Your rage bubbles over and you scream back. “FUCK YOU, BLAINE.” And you hang up before he can get a desperate “Tina, wait! No, I didn’t mean—” out of his mouth. 

You’re shaking and the tears are threatening to fall down your cheeks. You hear a faint knock on the door. 

“Tina…?” Rachel calls softly. “Is everything okay?”

You phone buzzes again with Blaine’s picture. You hit ignore and turn your phone on silent. He’ll call again. He knows he messed up; you heard it in his voice before you hit the end button. Rachel knocks softly again. 

“Tina, can I come in?” She says through the crack of the door and the wall. 

You open the door to see her with the most concerned look on her face. Instead of letting her in, you walk out and head back to the living room. You down your glass of wine and plop back down on the couch. You might as well just tell all of them; they're going to find out anyway. Your phone lights up with Blaine’s face again. When it stops ringing silently, you see a text notification from Sam. You ignore that too. You’re pissed at Sam for telling Blaine, because how else would he have found out?

The girls stare at you, waiting for you to speak, or blow up—you’re not sure. Rachel has taken her seat again. 

“Tina…what’s going on?” She asks you, again. 

You sigh and look at Santana. “Blaine knows and he called me a whore and told me that I should have learned from last summer and I shouldn’t be sleeping around.”

Santana’s face quickly changes from concern to outrage. “He said what now? Oh fuck that. Helmet head has got it coming. He doesn’t get to call anyone a whore after sleeping around on Kurt last year and leaving me and Rachel to pick up the fucking pieces!” She rants. Brittany rubs her arm soothingly, which actually seems to calm her down slightly. 

“What a second. Why did Blaine say those things and what does he know?” Mercedes looks at you questioningly. 

You take a deep breath. It’s now or never. You’re nervous about telling her especially.

“I’m sleeping with Sam. I have been for a while…like since before Halloween. I’ve been going through some stuff too. I had a rough time after you guys graduated and Mike dumped me. Some things happened that I don’t really want to get in to…” You pause. You feel bad leaving Mercedes out of the loop, but you also know she’s really understanding and won’t pry. You don’t want to retell that story; you feel shitty enough as is. “Anyway…Blaine called me a whore and said I should have learned from what happened then.”

You glance at Mercedes’ face. She has a troubled look on her face. “I’m sorry.” You say quickly. 

“For what?” 

“…Sam?” You blink back more tears as your phone lights up again.

“Girl, I just told you all that I was over Sam Evans. I don’t care that you’re sleeping with him. I’m in no place to make any sort of judgments about your relationship, but I do think you should be careful with the whole friends with benefits thing. It’s easy to get hurt that way. But as far as Blaine goes, you have every right to be angry. I would be.” She says, giving you a soft smile. 

You return hers with a very watery one of your own. 

“Before Halloween…so you guys were having relations at _my_ Halloween party? And my Thanksgiving party?!” Rachel looks surprised and slightly offended. 

You nod guiltily. 

“Yeah, I had to stop her and Trouty from getting too carried away at Thanksgiving. That’s when I found out.” Santana chuckles and glances at your lit phone. “Is that Blaine calling again?”

“He’s called 5 times now.” You say. “Rach, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. He and I had just agreed not to tell anyone yet. We’re not serious…just enjoying the ride. Santana and Brittany know because they figured it out and caught us red-handed. 

Santana makes a face and Brittany giggles. “But you guys would be so cute.”

“Yeah, thanks for all of the pictures, Britt.” You make a face at the blonde girl. 

“What pictures?” Mercedes asks. You ignore another call from Blaine and pull up the feed of messages between you and Brittany and tap on the last picture she sent. The girls gather around your phone as you swipe right to get to the older pictures the dancer sent you. 

“Oh my God, these are adorable.” Rachel squeals as you flip through the pictures of you and your roommate, ignoring another call in the process. 

“You guys would be really cute, Tina.” Mercedes says with a smile. “You completely have my blessing if you ever decide to actually date him.”

You raise your eyebrows at her as you hit ignore on a call from Kurt. You’re not an idiot. You know Kurt is there with Blaine. They’re on vacation together. You feel a pang of sympathy when you remember that Sam is also there. As awful as Blaine was to you, he’s probably being even worse to Sam. But you’re also wondering how Blaine even found out if Sam didn’t tell him. He could have at least told you he was telling him. 

The girls rally together and try to lift your spirits to make the rest of your New Year’s Eve fun. You end up turning off your phone altogether after clearing your notifications, which you do feel a little guilty about since Sam sent you another text after the first one. 

_I heard him yelling. Are you ok? What did he say?_

_Blaine is a fucking douche. Happy fucking New Year._

You ignored both texts because as bad as you feel for Sam, you can’t deal with that right now. And as great as your friends are, all you can think about is the possibilities of having another nightmare tonight. You haven’t had one in weeks, but seeing as they tend to coincide with emotionally charged events, it’s likely to happen. 

“Well, 2013 certainly went out with a bang.” Santana smirks.

“I guess now would be a bad time to mention that Mike is going to be in town for a few weeks…” Mercedes says. 

“What?!” Your eyes widen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Credits:
> 
> Addicted To You - Avicii  
> Adore You - Miley Cyrus  
> Colorblind - Amber Riley/Glee cast


	11. 3

**Thursday, January 2, 2014**

_I’ll pick you up at 5 :)_

_Perfect!_ You respond to Mike’s text. He’s taking you out to dinner for the second night in a row. You’re not sure how or why you agreed to go with him, but it’s actually really nice to see him again. He told you that he’ll be in town for a few weeks dancing on Broadway in Newsies for an extended study program. 

Last night he took you to a cute Chinese place—surprise!—near your apartment and you spent the evening catching up over lo mein and egg rolls. Nothing happened, not even a kiss, other than one on the cheek when he dropped you back off at your door. You can’t help but feel guilty when he’s there. 

Sam hasn’t come back yet and you’re still not sure how you feel about him. Everything blew up in your face all at once and Mike swooped in like a superhero, pulling you out of the mess that is your relationship with your best friends. Blaine has been calling nonstop, but you haven’t answered. You did respond to Sam’s texts, but he hasn’t said much either. He must really be upset if he’s not talking to you. Not that you’ve made yourself entirely available for it. You’ve been short with him on purpose, not just because of Mike, but because someone told Blaine and it sure as hell wasn’t you. You had agreed to do it together and make a plan to ease him into it. Sam had violated your trust and that’s something you really value these days. Then again, no one told you how Blaine found out, but you’re content to make up the story in your head if only to make yourself feel a little better about going out with Mike. 

You finish curling your hair into big waves that tumble down your back and you slip into a deep green dress with quarter length sleeves and black piping that hugs your hips and ass in the most flattering way. You pair it with black ankle boots and a pair of black tights and minimal jewelry. Dragging the pencil across your eyelid, you go with bold makeup. 

Right at 5 you hear the buzz alerting you that someone is outside. “Be right down!” You say as you press the button next to the speaker. You grab your black pea coat and give Titan a quick scratch on the chin then quickly traipse down the stairs and out the main door of your building. 

“Hi!” You chirp and flash him a smile. You take a deep breath, expecting to calm your nerves, but you don’t feel nervous at all. It’s a nice feeling, being completely at ease with the older boy, but you did expect a few jitters.

“Tina, you look great!” He says as he wraps an arm around you and kisses your temple. “Shall we?”

You grin up at him and hold on to the crook of his elbow as he leads you to the subway station. You end up steering him in the right direction since you know New York way better than he does now and finally you end up in a quaint Italian place in Little Italy. 

“So tell me all about New York! What is school like? What are your classes like? You never actually told me yesterday.” He smiles his signature smile at you as he twirls pasta on his fork. 

“New York is great. It’s like a dream come true. My classes are awesome. It’s like everything I’ve ever wanted to do! I mean, I’ve always loved performing but I think I’ve really found my passion. FIT is so cool. I’m so glad I’m there and not at NYADA. All I ever hear is Blaine and Kurt and Rachel complaining about their classes. Hell, I’d rather go to NYU. Santana and Sam seem to have a lot of fun there.”

“That’s so awesome Tina! Um…speaking of Sam, how did that happen?” His smile fades slightly. 

The skin on the back of your neck prickles at the mention of Sam’s name. “How did what happen?” You say quickly. 

“Living with him.”

“Oh.” You let out a nervous laugh. “Blame Blaine for that one. It’s actually a pretty good situation. We got a dog! Well, he did, but I live there too so he’s basically my dog too.”

“A dog?! So cool! I want to see him!” Mike’s face lights up. He’s always been a big animal lover. 

“Sure, you can come up after this if you’d like.” You smile warmly at him. His smile widens and he nods his head excitedly. You finish your meal and eventually make your way back to your apartment.

He follows you upstairs and to your door. You pause to unlock it. Sam is coming back tonight but you have no idea what time he’ll be in seeing as you haven’t talked to him much since Blaine blew up. As you push the door open you feel an odd sense of guilt when Mike follows you into the apartment. 

Titan immediately races over to you and sniffs Mike cautiously before jumping up on his legs. 

“Hi buddy!” Mike coos at the golden fur ball. He falls to his knees and scratches Titan’s belly when he rolls over. “What’s your name little guy?”

“Titan.” You smile down at the two of them. You can’t ignore the weird feeling in your stomach. Mike looks overjoyed but in the back of your mind you can’t help but feel almost a little possessive of Sam’s dog. 

Finally, he stands up again and looks at you. “This place is really cool, Tina.”

You smile and nod. “Yeah, I love it. Want a tour? It’ll literally take all of two minutes because it’s so small.”

He nods and follows you as you turn right away from the door towards your bedroom. 

“This is my room…” You flip the light on and poke your head in. 

“It’s so you.” He smiles warmly at you. Now would be when you’d expect to feel butterflies, but you just feel kind of full from dinner. 

You point to Sam’s closed door. “That’s Sam’s room and this is the bathroom.” You say, flipping on the light. “Not much to see.”

He follows you back down the hall and past the front door to the other half of the apartment. 

“This is our living room and dining room and over there is the kitchen.”

He peaks in the kitchen and then gazes at the pictures on the walls. “I remember this one!” He says, pointing to one of the Glee club in red and black after winning Nationals your junior year. You can clearly see your hand intertwined with Mike’s standing next to the rest of your friends. 

You smile. “That is a great memory.”

“Speaking of great memories…remember that time we took that road trip to Chicago.” He grins. 

You laugh. “Yeah I remember! I got grounded for a week because I lied about staying with Mercedes!” You sit down on the couch. He gracefully falls back next to you and turns so that his back is to the front door. 

“We had a lot of good times together.” He looks down sheepishly. 

“Yeah, we did.” You say softly. 

“I know we’ve talked about this before…but do you ever feel like we broke up too soon?”

You suck in a breath. You could have guessed that this conversation was going down this road. “Yeah, I’ve felt like that.”

“I know I’m not going to be here for that long…but maybe we spend some more time together. I’ve really missed you, T.” He looks up at you hopefully with the same eyes you’ve never been able to say no to. 

You’ve wanted this to happen to for long. Mike is here and basically asking to be with you again, in his own soft-spoken, shorthand way. This is the boy you spent years loving and then spent another year longing for. But then again, you don’t feel as excited as you expected to feel other the faintest tingling in your stomach. 

“Mike…” You start to turn him down, but you stop. There’s no reason for you to not go for this. You and Sam aren’t anything official. _He doesn’t actually like me. He just likes sex._ You tell yourself, reassuring yourself that you’re allowed to consider giving this a try. “Okay…but we have to take this slow. Things have changed. We haven’t been together for a long time. It can’t just go back to how it was before.”

He smiles a little brighter and nods. “I get it. It’s been a long time. I just want to get to know you again.”

You smile at him. He moves closer to you and opens his arms. You fall into them naturally—just as you hear the doorknob turn. Sam’s eyes immediately fall on you and Mike. Your stomach somersaults and it has almost nothing to do with Mike’s arms around you and everything to do with the look on Sam’s face. 

Sam’s expression morphs from one of surprise, anger, then completely guarded in a split second as Mike pulls away from you and turns around. You stare wide-eyed at the blond boy as he sits his bag on the floor and approaches your ex-boyfriend. 

“What’s up dude?! It’s been forever.” He bro-hugs Mike when he stands up and gives him a tight smile. 

“Sam, so good to see you man!” Mike slaps Sam’s back. Sam’s eyes never leave yours. 

You stare down at your hands while they take a moment to catch up. Finally, Mike turns back to you, taking a few steps toward you. “I’m going to go ahead and go. I’ll text you later.” 

You stand and he wraps his arms around you again, kissing you on your forehead. You see Sam turn away with a funny look on his face. It’s not like he hasn’t seen Mike kiss you before. You’d always been very affectionate with him in Glee club. Maybe you were wrong about Sam’s feelings for you. Your stomach flips at the thought. 

Mike pulls away and scratches Titan’s head before walking to the door. “Bye.” He grins at you as you shut it behind him. 

“1, 2, 3, not only you and me…” Sam sing-songs the familiar song you performed with him in Glee club behind you, his tone dripping with contempt. 

You whip your head around. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh I don’t know Tina. Maybe that you could have given me at least a heads up that Mike was back and you and him…” He rambles, crossing his arms over his chest. 

You cross your arms too and stare at him. 

“Well, are you getting back together? You sure seemed cozy.” He pushes for answers. 

“I don’t know, Sam. This is what I wanted for so long…”

“So what’s stopping you?” He raises his eyebrows. 

“Nothing! I don’t know…”

He scoffs. “Guess that’s the end of whatever we were doing.”

“Are you mad? Because you seem pretty damn mad.” You say, feeling your own anger boiling up in your chest. 

His mouth falls open, but he just stares at you incredulously. 

You clench your jaw as you feel hot tears form in your eyes. “You promised you’d never get mad if I wanted to stop having sex. You promised.” You plead, your voice small. 

He throws his hands up in the air and starts yelling. “God, Tina, are you an idiot? It was never about the sex. Maybe it was at the beginning and maybe it was for you, but it hasn’t been about the sex for a while for me.” He narrows his eyes at you. “I like you. I have actual feelings for you; do you not get that? I thought, you know, maybe for once I wouldn’t push my feelings on the girl that I liked. Maybe for once I wouldn’t get tossed aside or rejected because I was moving too fast. Maybe for once I wouldn’t scare the girl I like off by whipping out a promise ring or fighting so hard for her I was smothering her. I thought that maybe I was falling for a girl who wasn’t already too attached to someone else to give me a chance. I thought for once in my life I wasn’t being an idiot and that this could actually work. But I guess I was fucking wrong.” His voice cracks when he swears.

With that he turns on his heel, grabs his bag, and slams his bedroom door behind him. You stand, unmoved, with tears streaming down your face. Some things really are too good to be true. You managed to lose both of your best friends in a matter of days. 

You take a few deep breaths to steady yourself and lightly knock on Sam’s door. He opens it and swiftly steps past you with a bag on his back. 

“Sam…” You start but he cuts you off.

“Don’t. I’m staying with Elliott. Can you watch Titan? I’d take him with me, but I have no way of getting him there.” He looks at you with his big green eyes guarded and hurt. 

You feel your face crumble again. You look down and nod. He gives you a quick nod and locks the front door behind him. 

Titan looks up at you with a whine and you let out a sob. 

 

**Friday, January 3, 2014**

You wake up the next morning to a fluffy tail wagging in your face. Titan is perched with his front paws on your windowsill watching a couple of pigeons on the fire escape. You sit up and stretch until the events of last night sit on your chest like a heavy weight. 

You don’t know what to think. Your eyes are red and puffy from crying after your fight with Sam, but at the same time, you can’t deny that you’re a little excited about Mike. 

_I know this isn’t fair at all, but could we get coffee? Please don’t bring Blaine. I need to hear what happened from someone who isn’t him or Sam._ You quickly type out a text to Kurt. 

_I get it. Meet me at Rise and Grind in an hour._ He responds within a minute. 

You take Titan out for a quick walk before showering. You pull on a pair of dark skinny jeans and a purple sweatshirt and your Converses. You just don’t care this morning. 

Rise and Grind is a cute coffee only a few blocks away from your apartment so you take advantage of that and walk there. The cold air feels good and it helps to clear your head a little. 

When you get there Kurt is sitting in the back at your usual table with a hot tea for himself. You order a latte and sit down. 

“Thanks for coming.” You say. 

He nods. “You should at least tell Blaine you’re okay. I mean I get that he’s an ass sometimes, but you’ve ignored like 100 calls and texts.”

“Okay, I figured I had that coming since I did ask you to come here, but I really just want the whole story about how Blaine found out and what he said to Sam too. _Please._ ” You add when he raises his eyebrows at you. 

“Fine. I’ll tell you, if you promise to at least acknowledge Blaine. You don’t have to forgive him now, but just say something to him.”

You sigh and nod. “Okay.”

You pull out your phone and send Blaine a quick text. _I’m sorry for ignoring all of your calls. I’m okay, just please give me some time. I need some time to figure all of this out. Please don’t respond to this._

You hand your phone to Kurt for his approval. He sighs and nods and hits send for you.

He takes another deep breath before he starts talking. 

_“You did pack your swim trunks, right?” Sam asked his surrogate brother._

_“Yes…I just don’t really get why you want to go swimming so bad.” Kurt rolled his eyes at Sam. “It’s just a hotel pool. It’s not like we’re at a five star resort.”_

_“Oh come on babe, it’ll be fun.” Blaine glanced from his fiancé to his best friend, sharing a smile._

_“Fine. We can go swimming.” He resigned himself to an evening in the pool while his father and Carole were off having their date night dinner at a fabulous restaurant he’d found for them._

_Blaine jumped on Sam’s back with a fist in the air as they raced back to the hotel room the three of them were sharing._

_Kurt loved both of those boys, in completely different ways obviously, but there was only so much he could take with the superheroes and dorky comic book talk. Sam had even requested that Blaine read him fanfiction last night before bed. Such idiots, but he loved them._

_Once back down at the indoor pool of the hotel, Sam tossed his towel down on a chair and set his phone on top of it. Kurt watched as Sam smirked at his phone, obviously thinking about something funny. It didn’t take much to figure out that he had been texting someone all evening and they were having a pretty interesting conversation based on how red Sam’s face kept getting. Blaine, however, was completely oblivious to this. Kurt had a pretty good idea who it was though._

_Blaine gently set his things down too before racing to the edge of the deep and jumping in, Sam canon-balling close behind him, both of them splashing Kurt who just growled. Kurt sat on the side with his feet dangling until the two playful guys grabbed him and dunked him in the water._

_“Hey!” He shouted when he finally made it back up for air. Blaine and Sam high-fived over Kurt’s head._

_Kurt turned and hopped on Sam’s back effectively pushing him under and splashed Blaine in the face at the same time in an act of revenge. The splashing war went on in full force when Sam re-emerged from the water and from Kurt’s strong hold. It went on for a while and soon only the three of them were in the pool._

_“Guys, I’m pruning. I think I’m going to get out for a minute.” Blaine said, still laughing at the blond hair stuck to Sam’s forehead._

_“Aw bro, not yet!” Sam whined after his best friend._

_“Yeah, now who’s the party pooper!” Kurt shouted after him, then dissolving into giggles with Sam again._

_Blaine just flashed a grin before dropping into a chair and running his towel over his curly hair. Once his hands were dry he reached over to Sam’s chair and pressed the round button of his iPhone to check the time. 8:45._

_“Sam, you have a text from Tina!” Blaine said as he swiped across the screen to see what his other best friend had to say._

_“Don’t check that!” Sam practically yelled from the pool. The grin on Kurt’s face disappeared because he had a feeling he knew what was about to happen._

__Not as hot as you, Mr. Washboard abs. Go enjoy the pool you dork _Blaine muttered to himself. He made a face and then read the few texts before._

_Sam was halfway up the ladder on the side of the pool when Blaine finally spoke again._

_“Sam, what the hell! Please tell me this is some kind of joke.” He looked up from the text conversation with an angry look in his eyes._

_Sam quickly wiped his hands off on his towel before snatching his phone away from Blaine. “I told you not to check it man.” No one was smiling anymore._

_“So this isn’t a joke? Sam, are you sleeping with Tina?” Blaine clenched his jaw, ready for a fight. At this point, Kurt had made his way out of the pool too and stood a little behind Sam._

_Sam floundered for something to say before he finally just let out a breath. “Yeah. I am. So what? I don’t get why you care so much!”_

_“I care because she’s hurting! She’s still trying to get better and you go and just take advantage of her?! How could you do that Sam? And then lie to me about it?” Blaine’s face was really red, but not nearly as red as Sam’s._

_“How could I…are you kidding me right now? She’s not broken Blaine. She can make her own damn decisions and no one told you because we all knew you’d act like this!” Sam yelled back at his friend._

_“I can’t believe you’d do this to her.” The brunette boy spat out at Sam._

_“And I can’t believe you’re actually accusing me of this. You really think I’d hurt her like that? Like I’m this terrible person? Part of me thinks you’ve always judged me from the moment you met me, and that only kind of changed when you had a crush on me and you were feeling shitty about cheating on Kurt. Now what? You’re engaged and back on your high horse so you’re back to criticizing everything I do?”_

_Sam lashed out at Blaine, knowing that the mention of Blaine’s crush and his infidelity would hurt him, mostly because Sam had been so good to him that year. He had been the one who was there when Kurt dumped him and the one who reassured him that no matter what he did that he wasn’t a bad person._

_Blaine simply shook his head, his jaw still clenched, and jogged back to the elevator. Sam tapped out a message on his phone to Tina before drying off with Kurt and following Blaine back to their room._

_But since Blaine had been the only one with a key card, they had to wait outside until he would let them in. Kurt nervously peaked at Sam. He felt for the guy, but regardless of what Tina had been through, Sam hadn’t really done anything wrong. They should have told Blaine, but they’re both adults and they can have sex if they want to._

_They could both hear Blaine screaming into his phone from the hallway. Sam beat on the door and yelled back at him._

_“Stop yelling at her dude! We didn’t do anything wrong!” Sam said, still pounding his fist on the door._

_After a moment, the yelling stopped abruptly and Blaine flung the door open. His eyes were wide and he looked at Kurt. Sam shoved past him and shut himself in the bathroom. Sam was already text Tina again before he shut the bathroom door, but Kurt guessed that Sam didn’t get a response. He hoped Blaine didn’t say anything too bad to her._

_“I messed up.” Blaine whispered to Kurt. “I messed up.”_

_“Okay, it’s okay.” Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine as the shorter boy started to cry. “They’re your best friends. They’ll forgive you, but you had to forgive them too. They should have told you, but you shouldn’t have reacted like this.”_

_Blaine took a step back and looked at Kurt. “No, I get to be mad at Sam. He’s my best friend and he should have told me. They shouldn’t have done this.”_

_“But you’re not mad at Tina now?” Kurt looked confused. “What happened on the phone?”_

_Blaine didn’t answer momentarily as he tried to call Tina back, again. He shook his head. “I messed up with her. I…I kind of called her a slut and insinuated that she should have learned from what happened to her…” Blaine looked down in shame. “I didn’t mean it at all! I just…”_

_“You said what to her?” Sam had re-emerged from the bathroom in clean clothes, his wet hair sticking up. He lunged at Blaine, but Kurt stepped in between the two boys and held his arms out._

_“NO, Sam. No. You’re not going to do this. Neither of you.” He looked between Sam and Blaine with an angry look on his face. “Both of you get it together right now. We’re still here for another day and you are not ruining my family’s vacation.”_

_If looks could kill, Blaine would have been dead. Sam glared at the shorter boy before stalking off across the room and lying down on his bed with his back to the other boys._

_Sam and Blaine hardly spoke the entire next day. When Burt asked Sam what was wrong, he blamed it on being sick to his stomach, tossing another glare at Blaine, who glared right back._

Kurt takes a sip of his tea and looks back at you. 

“I really had no idea that Sam likes me so much…” You say quietly. 

“Yeah, he does. And you are an idiot.” Your mouth falls open, but Kurt continues. “Elliott called me last night. He said Sam is staying there and has barely stopped working out long enough to breathe because Mike is in town again and you’re all of a sudden interested in him again?”

You glance at your hands. “I don’t know…”

“Well, you’re an idiot.” Kurt says again. 

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Tina, the Trouty heart trampler.” Santana’s smirk turns into a grimace as drops into the chair next to Kurt. 

“God, is this another gay-vention?” You groan looking between the two of them. 

“You’re damn right this is a gay-vention. You need to gay it up for those big froggy girl lips, even though you clearly already are. You’re just being an idiot.”

You make a face at the taller Latina girl who practically gulps her hot coffee, her jaw set. “How do you even know what’s going on?”

“Oh, I know everything. You should know this by now. I know that Mike is in town and I know you’ve in love with Sam and I know for fucking sure that you’re a dumbass.”

Kurt braces himself for the fight waiting to erupt between you and Santana. 

“You don’t know how I feel. You don’t know how I feel about Mike. How do you know I don’t want to be with him? How do you know I don’t still love him? You don’t know shit, Santana.” You struggle to keep your voice down. 

“Of course you still love him. He’s the Mercedes to your Sam. Yeah, I went there. They still love each other, but they’ve both moved on because they know it’s not going to work between them. It’s the same with you and Mike. You loved each other and that’s great and all but now things are different.” She says, her eyes begging you to argue. She’s putting up a real fight for Sam, the guy she claims to seriously dislike. 

“So what are you saying? I should just give up on Mike?” 

“Yes. My psychic Mexican third eye is never wrong about these things. I know when people are meant to be and you and Mike aren’t. Just ask Lady Pants here. I gave him a really hard time when he was dating that weird British kid because he was being an idiot and ignoring Blaine even though we all knew that Helmet head is totally his soul mate.”

“It’s true. She was insufferable. As usual.” Kurt chimes in. “But she was right…”

“Thank you, sweet Porcelain.” Santana smiles too sweetly at the boy. “My point is…where has Mike been for the past year and half? He’s been off chasing his dreams in LA, which is great for him, and it’s exactly where he should be because he’s a crazy fucking dancer.” She waves her hands in the air and widens her eyes for added effect. “But who has been here Tina? Who has been living with you? Scratching every disgusting sexual itch you have? We both know exactly who you want.”

“She has a point.” Kurt starts. “She’s not exactly very tactful about getting her point across, but she does have a point. Sam has been here. Mike hasn’t and Mike is going back to LA eventually, right? So what exactly do you think is going to happen?”

“I just…I just don’t know that I can just give Mike up again so easily. It was hard enough the first time. But I don’t even really know who I’m even feeling for anymore. It’s like life just all of a sudden threw me this curveball with Blaine being a complete douche and making me question everything about Sam and I, and then Mike showing up and just…I’m so confused. My stomach has been in knots all night.” You say finally. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Sing with me tonight.” Santana demands. “We’re all going to Callbacks. Elliott just got a job there so Rachel is insisting that we all go, including Mike, because she lives and breathes that slimy, smelly bar. I have the perfect song and guarantee you that by the end of the song you’ll know exactly who you’re singing about, as stupid and cliché as that sounds.” She pulls a flash drive and a piece of paper out of her bag and shoves it at you. “Here.”

“I’ve never heard of this before. Has it even been released yet?” You read over Shakira’s lyrics to her new song Can’t Remember to Forget You with Rihanna. 

Santana smirks. “No, but I got a little sneak peek bootleg copy. And good quality too. None of that crappy, cheap shit.”

“How…?” You start but then shut your mouth. You already know that you don’t want to know. 

“Auntie ‘Tana has her ways. But learn it so we can gets our song on tonight.” Santana just smiles wider, but then it slides off her face as quickly as it came. 

“What is up with you? You keep going from looking happy to looking like you want to kill someone.” Kurt says, fully turning his body to stare at Santana. You jerk your head up from the song lyrics to look at her. 

She sighs, completely dejected. “It’s Brittany. She’s fucking leaving.” 

“What?” You say in surprise.

“She’s doing some study abroad shit in Europe for like six months and she just told me about it. She’s leaving in a week!”

“But San, that’s a good thing…” Kurt says cautiously. 

“Yeah, I get that, Porcelain. I know it’s a great opportunity for her, but she’s leaving again. I just don’t know if I can deal with that again. It was hard enough getting over her and moving on the first time. I don’t want to do that again. I mean, we haven’t decided to break up or anything yet…but I just…” She rambles and sighs again. “She’s up to something. She’s making Sam go to Callbacks tonight, I think to sing with her.”

She glances up at you at the mention of Sam’s name. He will be at Callbacks. And Mike will be too. And the girls are fighting. And Blaine will be there too and you’re still avoiding him like the plague. You drop your head in your hands. 

“This is all just too much.” You say quietly. “Why is everyone fighting?”

Kurt reaches across the table and grabs both yours and Santana’s hands. “Look, both of you are going to be okay. Santana, you and Britt have got the real thing. You know, the thing you kept reminding me of when I was dating Adam and trying so damn hard to stay away from Blaine. You reminded me of that and so now I’m reminding you of that. You’re going to be okay. She’s not going to be gone forever.” Santana grimaces at him. She doesn’t like sharing this much of herself with either of you. 

Kurt speaks again. “And Tina, I get that Blaine and Sam are best friends, but Sam is like my brother…the only one I have now. He’s so happy when he’s around you. He lights up when he talks about you. You obviously like him too. Blaine has said a lot of things that he doesn’t mean, and I get that you’re mad at him…don’t give up on him completely. He loves you and wants the best for you, he just can’t see that Sam might be what’s best. And maybe Mike might be what’s best. Who knows. But whatever happens, you’re going to be okay too. You’ve gotten through so much. This is nothing. They’ll all come around regardless of what you decide to do. Oh God, please don’t cry.”

Santana groans and you wipe a couple tears away from your eyes. “Shut up! Sorry I cry easily!” You say and all three of you dissolve into a fit of giggles. 

“Okay crybaby, I’ll be at your apartment at 7 and we’ll go together because I sure as hell am not showing up there alone. Brittany is meeting up with Sam and Artie I think, so she won’t even be with me.” Santana frowns again. “So be ready.”

“Okay, okay. But Kurt, I’m not ready to talk to Blaine yet, so can you please try to keep him away from me? I promise I’ll talk to him when I’m ready but until then I need some space and so far he’s not really given me much.”

Kurt purses his lips, but nods. “I’ll do my best.”

You all stand and make your way to the door. Kurt squeezes you in a long hug before you all head off in different directions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was going to be longer but the Callbacks scene and the scene to follow is going to be so long that I had to split it up, but it'll posted much sooner than the last one! Enjoy!
> 
> Song credits:  
> 3 - Britney Spears/Glee Cast


	12. Can't Remember To Forget You

Still **Friday, January 3, 2014**

At 7:13, you finally hear the buzzer go off and you press the intercom button. “Took you long enough.”

“Let me up bitch. I have to pee.” Santana snarks. 

You buzz her up and hold the door open for her. Other than Titan your apartment is empty. You can tell Sam dropped by this morning because some of his things were moved around, and he also left a note on the counter simply reading ‘ _Won’t de home tonight. Please walk Titan. – Sam._ ’ Your heart breaks a little at his backwards ‘b’ and the shortness of his note. You reread the note as you smooth out your black, sparkly dress—the same one you wore for Rachel’s opening night—that you’re wearing over black tights and black heels. You grab your red pea coat and shrug it on just as Santana steps out of the bathroom. 

She’s wearing a skin tight, deep red dress with no tights because she’s insane. It’s below freezing this time of year in New York City. Then again, her leather boots graze the bottoms of her knees so most of her legs are covered. She has a black leather jacket on to complete her sexy badass look. 

“You ready heartbreaker?” She smirks at you. 

“I guess so.” You shrug and lock the door. 

Down on the street, Santana whips her long black hair over her shoulder and throws an arm up hailing a cab almost immediately. 

“We look too damn good to be taking the subway.” She says simply, tossing a look over her shoulder at you. 

Taking a cab cuts your travel time in half and you arrive before 8, but everyone else is already there. Rachel has pushed a couple tables together so that everyone could sit together, even though with all of the conflict that’s going on, that’s probably not a good idea. 

On one side of the table Sam sits on the end between Artie and Brittany, and Mike is sitting next to Brittany. Opposite them, Rachel is latched onto one of Blaine’s sides, with Kurt on the other, obviously trapping him in the middle. You and Santana sit down next to Mike and Kurt, respectively, completely the semi-circle of awkwardness. 

Sam stares hard at the table when you sit down, as Mike wraps you up in a one-armed hug. 

“What’s going on with everyone?” He leans in to whisper in your ear. He immediately picked up on all of the tension. 

“Long story.” You say, scooting away from him slightly, but not enough to make him think anything. 

Brittany glances at Santana with sad eyes and Santana just turns her head to talk to Kurt. Blaine squints his eyes at Sam then looks at you with eyes almost as sad as Brittany’s. You avoid eye contact at all costs and look down at your hands. 

This is going to be a long, awkward night. Why did you agree to come again?

Elliott comes by bringing everyone drinks, even slipping Santana and Kurt glasses of wine. Finally, the Latina girl turns to you. 

“You wanna sing now?” 

You nod vigorously. Anything to get away from this table. 

You both stand abruptly and head to the stage. She hands over a different flash-drive than the one she gave you. Yours had the full version of the song and the karaoke version. You had no idea how she managed to get either, but you listened to it all afternoon and learned the lyrics to Rihanna’s part so you wouldn’t make a fool of yourself. 

The music starts and Santana starts shaking her hips. You immediately follow suit and get into the music. You dance around her as she sings along to Shakira’s part, changing the pronouns to female ones. She sings fiercely, her voice full of emotion, locking eyes with Brittany the entire time. You haven’t chanced peeking at your table yet. 

Finally, Santana holds an arm out to you, gesturing for you to take over Rihanna’s part. You hold the mic close to your face and belt out the next verse. 

_The way he makes me feel like_   
_The way he makes me feel_   
_I never see to act so stupid_   
_Oh here we go_   
_He a part of me now, he a part of me_   
_So where he goes I follow, follow, follow oh_

And there it is. Just like Santana said, you immediately know who you’re singing about. Mike isn’t a part of you anymore. But Sam is and you’re acting stupid, just like the song says. 

Santana wraps an arm around your waist as you sing together. 

_But when you look at me, the only memory,_   
_Is us kissing in the moonlight_   
_Ohohohoh ohohohoh_   
_I can't remember to forget you_

You take a chance and look at Sam, who looks ridiculously good in his white button down and gray slacks. His eyes immediately look away from you and down at the table again. You shift your eyes to Mike whose expression is unreadable. You look away and sway with Santana as she sings her next part. 

_I'd rob and I'd kill to keep her with me_   
_I'd do anything for that girl_

You take over and pour your heart into the lyrics.

_I'd give my last dime to hold him tonight_   
_I'd do anything for that boy_

It’s amazing how so much can change in just a matter of a few days. Less than a week ago you and Sam were rolling around in your bed together, trading kisses and longing glances, secret smiles and little tokens of affection. Now he’ll barely look at you, because you screwed up and let Mike back in and didn’t give Sam the benefit of the doubt. 

You and Santana finish the song and receive a standing ovation from Rachel, Brittany, Mike and all of your other friends, except for Sam and Artie who just clap from their seats. Mike nudges your shoulder and tells you how great you sounded when you get back to the table. You smile back at him but you can’t seem to look away from Sam. 

Santana averts her eyes from Brittany when she sits back down. The blonde dancer has a sad look on her face as she leans over to Sam and he nods, his eyes flickering up to Santana and then to you. He looks away quickly and stands up, leaving the table with Brittany trailing behind him. 

Santana scowls as they take the stage together. Sam sits behind Brittany on a stool and quietly tunes his guitar as she grabs the mic. Clad in a gray and white striped tank top tucked into a tight royal blue skirt and gray leather boots, she sways a little and squints into the crowd.

“Hey guys! So you just saw my super hot girlfriend sing like Shakira and my super hot friend sing like bad girl Ri Ri, but now I want to sing a song for my girlfriend. Santana, I love you and I know you’re scared, but we’re soul mates. We can make it.” She pauses, her eyes begging Santana to look up. “Oh! And San I got this song from one of your ‘sources.’ This is called Don’t Find Another Love, by my favorite lesbian singers!” Brittany winks in her direction. Santana crosses her arms over her chest but cracks a smile. 

The tall blonde girl turns and gives Sam a nod who gives her a soft smile and starts picking out a tune on his guitar. Sam nods his head as he strums along to Brittany’s song. 

_Please don't find another love_   
_Please don't find another love_   
_Please don't find another love when I'm away_

She belts out the chorus, her eyes fixed on her girlfriend and her very Brittany-like feather earrings dangling as she sways. Some time during the first verse Santana stopped staring at the table and started staring at her girlfriend. 

_I could promise you're the only one_   
_We could walk into the setting sun_   
_If you wanted to_   
_I'll follow you_

You watch Sam as he bites his lip and strums along, occasionally looking up at Brittany. He doesn’t so much as even look back at the table. 

Santana’s fixated on Brittany, taking in her words. The blonde girl really is singing from her heart and you hope that Santana can get over herself long enough to realize that they’re going to be fine. You hear the Latina girl suck in a breath sharply as Brittany sings in a falsetto. 

_I'm losing my senses_   
_I'm falling apart for us_   
_Now I'm defenseless_   
_I'm falling in endless love_

Brittany’s eyes are shining as she sings the chorus one last time. Santana jumps up from her seat when she’s finished and crosses the room to wrap her girlfriend up in a hug. Everyone at the table breaks out into cheers as the two girls share a short kiss and make their way back to the table smiling bashfully and slip in Sam and Brittany’s seats next to Artie. You’re not sure what Brittany did or said to make Santana change her mind so quickly but she sure seems to be the world’s foremost expert in Santana Lopez. 

Your eyes are pulled back to the stage where you notice that Sam has moved his stool to the front of the stage and the mic is set up in front of his face. Your whole body tingles as he sits down ready to play a song. He takes a deep breath but doesn’t say anything before he starts strumming. You recognize Phillip Phillips’ version of Wicked Game. The fact that this song is by the same artist as the song he sang for you at Spotlight months ago after you told him the whole story doesn’t go unnoticed. 

Just as he’s about to sing, his eyes flicker up to yours. His green eyes are piercing and you feel a physical pain in your chest when they rest on you for a second. You inhale sharply as he averts his eyes once again to avoid your gaze. Your heart breaks when he starts to sing. 

_No, I don't wanna fall in love, no_   
_No, I don't wanna fall in love_   
_This world will break your heart_   
_Nobody's falling in love_

Your table is deathly silent as Sam pours his heart into this song. You feel some of their eyes on you but you don’t dare look away from the blond boy on stage. Kurt’s hand finds yours under the table and squeezes hard. You latch on to his hand. Your hand shakes in his. 

_What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way_   
_What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you_   
_What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way_   
_What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you_

Your stomach lurches as Sam all but yells into the microphone, spitting out the words like nasty venom, all directed at you. If you didn’t understand before, you get it now. You played with his heart and you hurt him worse than you ever thought you could. Your eyes cloud over with tears that you try your hardest to blink away before Mike figures out exactly what’s going on here. 

_The world was on fire and no-one could save me but you_   
_It's strange what desire will make foolish people do_   
_No, I'd never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you_   
_And I'd never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you_

You swallow the lump in your throat as he finishes the song. He completely ignores the applause and everyone in the room, including you, and packs up his guitar before walking straight out the door. No one at your table seems to know what to say. You stare hard at the glass in front of you hoping they’ll all be smart enough not to mention anything, considering Mike doesn’t even know what’s going on and you’d much rather he hear it from you. 

Finally, after a few long awkward moments, the conversation picks back up around you and you can breathe again. You feel Mike lean into you. 

“Are you okay? You’re quiet.” He whispers in your ear. 

You nod your head and turn to him. “I’m okay. But could we go somewhere and talk? Maybe your hotel room?”

Mike’s expression is concerned but he just nods before standing and grabbing your coat for you. You toss Kurt a tight smile, completely ignore Blaine, and wave goodbye to everyone else. 

 

Mike shuts the door to his hotel room and takes your coat like a gentleman. Your phone buzzes in your hand. Your stomach flips when you see Sam’s name on the screen. 

_Walking & feeding Titan now so you don’t have to. Give me an hour before you come back. Need to get stuff._

You sigh quietly in response to the sting you feel from him clearly not wanting to see you and just send an ‘okay’ in reply then turn your attention back to Mike.

“Can I get you anything? I have some water bottles but that’s about it.” He chuckles softly. 

“Water would be great. Thanks.” You smile at him. 

“You sounded great tonight.” He says as he hands you a water, sits next to you on the bed, and pushes up the sleeves of his burgundy button down. 

“Thanks.” You grin sheepishly at you hands. 

He’s quiet for a moment before speaking again. “But I’m guessing that song wasn’t about me.”

You look up at him. “Mike…I’m sorry…”

He shakes his head and smiles sadly at you. “Tina, it’s okay. Really. I shouldn’t have just come back here expecting you to drop everything.” He pauses. “Sam?”

“How did you know? Did Blaine tell you?” You narrow your eyes. 

“No. No one told me. No one had to. I’ve known both of you for a long time. Sam was one of my best friends and now he’ll barely look at me. And I know how you look when you’re in love and you look like that now; only it’s not for me this time. And everyone made it pretty obvious who his song was about…” He says, smiling softly. 

You get why it sucks so much when you hurt the boys you like. They’re literally the nicest guys on the planet and you feel like an awful bitch who continues to hurt people over and over again. 

“Mike, I’m sorry.” You say again. “I should have been honest with you about Sam, but so much just happened all at once and I wasn’t even sure what was happening. I didn’t realize how I felt about him until right before I saw you again, but I didn’t realize how he felt about me until he came back last night and saw us together…and now I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

Mike frowns. “I’m sorry if I screwed it up. I want you to be happy Tina. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I’ll always love you, but if we’re being honest, we both know it wouldn’t have really worked out this time around anyway. I’m not staying here forever. We both have lives on opposites coasts. It’s okay.”

You wrap your arms around him. “You’re one of a kind Mike Chang. Somehow you’re always so understanding and caring while I’m over here just hurting anyone that I can and fighting with my best friends.” 

You sigh and fall back on the bed. 

“Yeah…what’s the deal with Blaine? I thought you and him were best friends, and he and Sam are best friends but none of you are speaking? I mean I know what was up with Brittany and Santana…but God, the tension at that table.” He makes a face. 

You take a deep breath and shut your eyes. There’s no way of really explaining this to him without telling him the whole story about what happened last summer. Well, there is a way, but you feel like you kind of owe it to Mike to tell him the truth. 

“I need to tell you something else.” You sit up and cross your legs Indian style, not really caring that your dress is hiked way up your thighs. You have tights on. 

He looks at you, his face full of concern again. “What is it?”

“Okay, I’m going to tell you, but you have to let me tell you the whole story before you say anything.” He nods slowly. 

“Last summer, right before you and I broke up…I went to a party at that girl I know from elementary school, Katie’s house and,” you take a deep breath and shut your eyes, “and I was raped.” It’s like ripping off a Band-Aid every time you say it out loud. 

You don’t open your eyes to gauge his reaction but instead you just keep talking. You tell him exactly what happened leaving out only a few details and then you explain why you went to the party in the first place and then why you pushed him away afterwards and how you changed. Finally, you peek at him. He’s staring at his knees. 

“So then a couple days ago, Blaine found out about Sam and I…our relationship so far has been strictly physical.” Mike grimaces a little but nods. “Anyway, Blaine found out and accused me of sleeping around, saying I should have learned from what happened and basically called me a whore…”

Mike opens his mouth to say something but you hold a hand up. “I’m dealing with Blaine. He really hurt me but I know he didn’t mean it. Don’t get mad at him. Enough people are mad at him.” 

You’re both quiet for a moment before he speaks. “I’m so sorry, Tina,”—typical reaction—“I don’t know what to say. I…I wish you would have told me when it happened.”

“I know. And I probably should have. I definitely shouldn’t have kept it in for so long. But you were leaving anyway and I was already hurting because I was losing you. But Mike _I’m_ sorry. I treated you like crap. Sometimes I think about the fact that maybe if I hadn’t been being such a bitch to you all the time I never would have gone to that party. It never would have happened if I hadn’t been so horrible to you.”

He shakes his head quickly. “No, it’s not your fault.”

“I know that. I just…I could have prevented it.”

He shakes his head again and pulls you into his arms. “No, that fucking asshole could have prevented it.” A weird noise escapes your throat as you’re caught between a laugh and a sob. You’ve only heard Mike drop the F bomb like three other times—once when he stubbed his little toe, another time when he was angry about his dad not wanting him to dance, and another time when Finn and Rachel kissed on stage. 

You sit back up and look at him. “I’m a mess.” You say, laughing through tears. 

He shakes his head and smiles at you fondly. “You’re not a mess. You just have a messy life right now. It’ll work out though. It always does. And as much as it pains me to say this…” He makes a face—sucking his lips and raising his eyebrows. “You should go for Sam. If I had to pick a guy for you, I would pick him. He’s a good guy.”

“Mike Chang, are you giving me your blessing to date one of your best friends?” You raise your eyebrows in return. 

“Ugh, yes, Tina. I am.” He grins back at you. 

“Well I’ve gotten yours and Mercedes’; I think the only blessing I’m missing is Blaine’s.” You roll your eyes.

Mike smiles fondly at the mention of Mercedes’ name. “Blaine will come around.” He pauses. “I’m so excited to be here for a while, but I miss Mercedes already!”

Over dinner the other night you learned that Mike and Mercedes are best friends now, which doesn’t come as much of a surprise since they always came back to McKinley as a pair, for Grease and Stevie Wonder week. A smile forms on your face. 

“Do you ever think about Mercedes as more than a friend?” You ask, your mischievous grin growing wider. 

He grins bashfully. “I don’t know. I love Mercedes. She’s my best friend!”

“Well, hey, you never know! Look at me and Sam.” You laugh bitterly. 

He shakes his head but grins and offers to escort you home. 

 

You deny Mike’s offer and instead text your girls. Since you barely spent an hour at the bar and then only another hour with Mike, it’s not even 10:30, which is pretty early for New York on a Friday night. 

_SOS. Please tell me you’re not sleeping yet._ You send a mass text to Santana, Brittany, and Rachel. 

_Of course we’re not sleeping yet. We’re not even home yet. Come over if you’re close. We’ll be there in 20._ Santana replies instantly. 

_Slumber party!!!!_ Brittany joins in. 

_Yes, Tina, please stay the night! New Years was so much fun! I have wine!_ Rachel begs you to stay. 

_I’m in. I’m pretty close to your place so I’ll be there in 20 too._ You tell all three of them. 

You’re not about to pay for another cab tonight so you head down to the subway station to ride the train the twelve blocks to Santana and Rachel’s apartment. It’s way too cold to walk. Plus it’s kind of late and you’ve been taking extra precautions to protect yourself since you moved to New York. 

You pace back and forth on platform when you get off the train and call Santana. 

“Are you guys home yet?” You ask when she picks up. 

“Not yet Girl Chang. Literally a minute away. How did you get here so fast?” She asks. 

“I was at Mike’s hotel. It’s right down the street.”

“You what? After Trouty’s performance, you went back with Mike?!” She practically screams at you. 

You start walking up the stairs and back into the cold. “I’ll explain everything. Find me some pajamas when you get there.” 

You hang up and make it to the front door of their apartment just as their cab pulls up. Rachel pays the cab driver and they all pile out. Brittany links her arm in yours and pulls you in the building behind Santana. 

Once inside Santana pulls out the same pajamas you wore when you stayed Thanksgiving night and Rachel pours everyone a glass of wine. After changing you all lazily sprawl out on the couches. 

“Well, the floor is yours, Tina.” Rachel looks at you expectantly, having changed out of her black dress. 

“Okay, so I went back to Mike’s hotel room to talk. Nothing happened, nothing like that.” You glare at Santana, who’s smirking and silently mouthing the word ‘wanky.’ “I told him everything…last summer and now about Sam. Even though he kind of figured that part out. You guys weren’t exactly subtle when he was singing.”

“Okay, neither was he.” Santana rolls her eyes and moves to lay her head in her girlfriend’s lap. Brittany strokes her hair. 

“He wouldn’t even look at me!”

“He wouldn’t really talk to me much before either, which is weird because he normally talks to me a lot.” Brittany frowns. “He just seemed so sad.”

“Well, Blaine talked to me…he feels awful for what he said to you.” Rachel looks at you with wide eyes.

“I know. I’ll talk to him when I’m ready.” You tell the tiny brunette girl. “But back to Sam, what should I do?”

“Well what do you want?” Santana purses her lips. 

“I want…to be with him. You were right…about the song. It worked. It’s been Sam this whole time.” You stare down at your hands. 

Rachel squeals excitedly. “He’s going to take you back. He’d be crazy not to!”

“Well, he’s not going to without me doing something big. He’s afraid of doing anything. Because between the two of you,” You toss a look at Santana and Brittany, “and Quinn and Mercedes, he’s had terrible luck. He’s been hurt way too much.”

“So sing him a song.” Santana rolls her eyes again. “It’s what we do.”

“Yeah, like when we sang Landslide!” Brittany grins, making Santana blush.

“Okay, but what song? And I need some sort of back-up plan if that doesn’t work.” You say. You’re already getting nervous. “And when am I doing this? Good luck getting him anywhere so that I can actually sing for him.”

“Oh we can get him to Callbacks or you could just show up to Spotlight.” Rachel says. Brittany nods excitedly. 

“I could tell him I need help again.” The blonde dancer enthuses. “I’ll sing you another song San!”

“Or we could get Blaine involved…” Rachel says slowly. You give her a look. “Hear me out! Blaine told me that he and Sam are still fighting because he’s still mad at Sam and Sam is pissed at him too, but if you were to ask Blaine to get Sam to come, it might actually work. If Sam forgives him for being an ass.”

She has a point. “Sam hates fighting with Blaine. That time that Blaine caught us making out at school, he was furious but Sam was relentless until he got Blaine to forgive us.” You tell them.

“I’m calling him then.” Santana announces and pulls out her phone. She puts it on speakerphone and sits it on the coffee table between the four of you. 

“Hello?”

“Hey Pretty Pony, just the fine gay I was looking to talk to.” Santana snarks.

“How can I help you Santana?” He sighs. 

“Well, I’ve got Britt, Rachel, and Tina here and we need your help.”

“Tina?” Blaine perks up, sounding desperate. 

“Figured that would get you going.” Santana makes a gagging face. 

“Yeah, Blaine, it’s Tina. Listen, before you say anything, I’m still working on forgiving you and I still need a little more time. What you said really hurt and it was completely uncalled for, but I’m willing to speed up the process if you help me out with Sam.”

He sighs again, dejected, clearly not ready to accept that you and Sam are a real thing, but then again he’s desperate. “Anything. What do you need me to do?”

“Forgive him and get him back to Callbacks tomorrow night. I’m going to sing for him.”

“I’ll try, but he hasn’t really been talking to me, or even trying to talk to me.” Blaine tells you.

“Please try, Blaine. This is important. I know that you don’t get it or think this is a good idea, but we have feelings for each other. It’s more than just us sleeping together. I don’t really get why you don’t want your two best friends together.” You say, trying hard not to sound too harsh. 

He’s quiet for a second. “We’re still best friends?”

Santana rolls her eyes. You speak again. “Yes, we’re still best friends. I just need more time, okay?”

“Okay.” He says quickly. “I’ll do my best to get him there. And Tina? I’m really, really sorry.”

“I know Blaine. Thank you.” You say curtly. The other girls say goodbye and you hang up the phone. 

“We can all make sure he gets there.” Rachel says reassuringly. 

You spend the rest of the night watching a couple episodes of Girls that Santana has on DVR, but you’re lost in your thoughts. You feel like everything is moving at light speed, but then again, you’re in New York. Life moves at this speed here. There’s a sudden urgency you feel to get Sam back into your arms. You’re afraid that if you wait too long he’s going to move on, move on from you and on to someone better. 

You shake the thought away. This has to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song credits: 
> 
> Can't Remember To Forget You - Shakira ft. Rihanna  
> Don't Find Another Love - Tegan and Sara  
> Wicked Game - Phillip Phillips


	13. I Never Told You

**Saturday, January 4, 2014**

_He said he’ll be there. I think he knows it’s for you. Elliott and Dani are going with him._ Blaine texts you around lunch time. 

You’ve been pacing around your apartment since you got home this morning. Sam hadn’t stayed here last night either—or at least that’s what you can deduce based on his lack of presence. You’ve got the perfect song to sing but you’re terrified. What if he completely shuts you down? No, you can’t imagine he’d do that. He’s way too nice. But what if he does? _I’ll try harder. I hurt him, so it’s up to me to fix it._ You tell yourself with a nod. 

You sit at your vanity in a vain attempt to calm yourself. Pulling out your nail polish, you touch up the Sam Evan’s green on your fingernails and paint your toenails a metallic gold. 

Brittany said that she would be over at 6 to help you get ready since she’s the only who can go tonight. Rachel has a show, and Santana and Kurt are working at Spotlight. You assume Blaine will be there with Sam, Elliott, and Dani, but you’re not interested in talking to him. 

You leave your door cracked for Titan to wander in and out because you don’t expect to see Sam before you go to Callbacks again tonight. You’ve only been to the bar a few times before last night, and now you’re going twice in less than 48 hours. Two nights in a row seems like a really quick turnaround, but last night feels like forever ago. In the city that never sleeps, you have to move fast to keep up sometimes. 

Since you don’t have any homework or anything to keep yourself busy, you’re bored. Bored and anxious is never a good combination, but it’s so cold outside that you don’t really feel like getting out while you bide your time. 

Not knowing what else to do, you pull out your phone and check Instagram. You doubletap @kurtelizabeth’s photo of his view of downtown from one of NYADA’s dance studios and then @artieabrams’ picture of his cluttered workspace with his camera, film, and other AV equipment and him giving a thumbs up in the background. Then somehow you end up on @troutymouth’s page. Your stomach does a funny fluttery thing as you scroll through the pictures of you and him with Titan and you and him in the middle of New York City. You can’t help but smile at his lopsided grin in the picture of him and Titan on the day he adopted him. You took that picture. The pictures make you sad and even more anxious, and that much more sure of what you have to do. You have got to win this blond headed cutie back over. 

You return to the home screen and call your mother. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to. 

“Tina, how are you?” She answers breathily. 

“I’m pretty good, Mom. How is everything there?”

“Oh the same. Just trying to stay warm.” She chuckles softly. “What are you up to today? Hanging out with Sam?” 

She knows you well enough to know that you spend a ton of time with Sam, or at least you have since last spring when he asked you to be roommates. 

“No…he’s out.” You say, hearing the dejection in your own voice. 

“What’s wrong? And don’t tell me nothing, because I know better than that.”

You sigh. She’s right. “I messed up. Mom, I really like Sam, like more than just a friend. And he likes me too, but I hurt him because Mike came back and took me out and I just…I got so confused about everything.”

“Okay, slow down. Start from the beginning.” She says. You falter. You can’t exactly start from the beginning. There’s no way in hell you’re going to tell your mother about all of the sex you’ve been having. Your cheeks burn at the thought. You momentarily get lost in a memory of Sam’s abs. 

“Tina?”

“Yeah, sorry. Just thinking. I…um…okay, so I like Sam and I kind of just figured that out over Christmas when I was home. I realized how much I missed him. I think the only reason I didn’t figure it out sooner is because I felt like I needed to be alone for a while to figure out who I was after…after everything that happened to me. I needed to heal.”

You give her a second to catch up. 

“Tina, as much as I wish I could have helped you heal, you’ve done so well the past few months. I may not have been around you, but just in your voice, I’ve heard the change. When you got here last week, you were a different woman. Different than the girl I’d seen all summer and all last year. You looked happy. Even after telling us everything, you didn’t look nearly as down and depressed as you did before. You’ve done a remarkable job and I’m so proud of you for reaching out and getting the help you needed.”

You get a little choked up at her confession. “Thank you, Mom,” You say, sniffling. “I feel a thousand times better. I feel like I do know who I am and I don’t need anyone to piece me back together because I’ve gotten there myself, which…brings me back to Sam. I was afraid of turning him into that…the person who has to put me back together. I want to be whole on my own and now I am. Now I can finally breathe on my own and I feel like I can go for it with Sam because of that.”

“And you should. From everything I’ve heard about Sam and the few times I’ve met him, he sounds like a wonderful young man.” You can hear her smiling.

And you grin too. “He is. He’s the sweetest, funniest guy. He would do anything for his friends and anything for me.” Your smile fades. “But I’m so afraid I’ve messed it up for good.”

“Why?”

“Well Mike is in town. He’ll be here for a couple of months, dancing on Broadway.” You tell her. 

You let her gush for a moment over your ex-boyfriend. “Oh that’s so wonderful for him! He is an incredible dancer.”

“Yeah, he is and it’s great. But I went out with him two nights in a row and when Sam found out, that’s when I knew for sure how he felt. He’s angry and upset because he thought I knew, but I didn’t, or I kind of did, and I was afraid of taking that chance.”

She’s quiet for a moment. “Well, what are you going to do?”

You’re surprised at how she asks that question. The way she says it puts the responsibility that you’ve been feeling right on your shoulders. It doesn’t help with your anxiety, but her tone tells you that she believes in you. 

“I’m going to sing for him, you know, Glee club style.” You giggle bashfully. 

“Oh, Tina, you could mesmerize anyone with that voice of yours!” She makes you laugh even harder. 

“Thanks, Mom. I hope so. I’ll let you know how it goes.” You tell her. 

“You better. I love you. Good luck!” She makes a pop kiss noise through the phone. 

“I love you too.” You hang up. 

You spend the next few hours wandering around aimlessly, flipping through possible outfit choices for Brittany to choose from, walking Titan, and making yourself and Brittany dinner so you can eat before you go. 

A few minutes before 6 you hear the buzzer. You let Brittany in and she immediately wraps her arms around you in a tight hug. 

“Hi Britt.” You giggle. 

“Hi Tina!” She squeals, pulling back and immediately crouching to cuddle with the excited golden dog at her feet. “Hi Titan! I’m Brittany! I don’t think we’ve ever met. I have a cat who’s almost as big as you but not nearly as nice.” 

You raise your eyebrows and grin at the blonde girl talking to the dog as if she’s having an everyday conversation. Titan just continues to wag his tail. 

“It smells good in here.” Brittany comments when she finally stands up. She looks around. “I don’t think I’ve ever been in here.”

“I can give you the tour and then we can eat if you’d like.”

She grins and nods excitedly. You show her your room and, again, point out Sam’s room and the bathroom before leading her back into the living room and gesture to the table. 

“Have a seat and I’ll fix you a bowl!” You chirp. The blonde girl brushes her hands on her dark wash skinny jeans and drops her light blue denim jacket on the couch revealing a white cardigan with dogs printed on it over an orange striped tank top. Random bits of weird and colorful jewelry here and there make the outfit an eclectic mix of all things Brittany. You love how bold she is with her fashion choices. 

You set a bowl of vegetable soup in front of Brittany and sit down across from her. 

“So.” She slurps the hot soup. “What are you going to wear tonight?”

“I don’t know. I was hoping you could help me decide.”

Her face lights up at the notion. “Yes!” She gulps down more soup and looks up dreamily, lost in thought. 

You just watch the blonde girl in action. Even though you’ve known Brittany for most of your life, since you went to elementary, middle and high school together, you’ve never been great friends with the ditzy girl. But since Santana and Rachel are both working tonight, Britt is your best bet. And you enjoy her company. She’s light and airy and just funny enough to keep you laughing. 

“It needs to be something sexy but kind of sweet. You need him to want you but not just for sex now.” She finally says. “I mean, he’ll still want to have sex with you, but it’ll be even better because it’s better with feelings.” She rambles on.

You nod. “Yeah, that’s actually really good. I have a few dresses that might work.”

“His favorite color is blue.” She blurts out. “You should definitely wear blue. Also, can I braid your hair?”

“Um, I was thinking of just curling it a little, but yeah, I guess.” You say skeptically. 

Brittany practically inhales her soup and then stares and whines impatiently at you to finish eating so you can get ready. You dump the bowls in the sink and wrap up the leftovers and stick them in the fridge. The energetic blonde dancer is already in your room raiding your closet when you finish. 

Your mouth falls open at the state of your room. In the five seconds she was alone, Brittany has already completely destroyed it, flinging clothes this way and that. 

“What are you doing?” You squeak at her. 

“Looking for an outfit.” She says plainly. 

“Well obviously, but I could just show you what I have so you wouldn’t have to dig for anything.” You put your hands on your hips, slightly annoyed. 

She huffs and sits on your bed, on top of one of your shirts. You sigh. 

“Okay, so you think blue would be good…? A dress or jeans or a skirt or pants?” You gesture with your hands. 

“A dress. You wear dresses a lot so he probably likes that. It’s you.” She states matter-of-factly.

“Okay…” You rummage through the clothes that are left in your closet after Hurricane Brittany came through. You pull out a patterned blue and green dress and hold it up to your body. 

“No. Too summery. It’ll look weird with tights or boots.” Says the girl who wore leg warmers on her arms with a tank top in the middle of an Ohio winter. 

You hold up a second dress that she turns her nose up to before you pull out a blue and black Calvin Klein tunic dress. 

“I like this one. Where is your jewelry?” She asks looking around your room again. 

You gesture to your desk and point to the top drawer. It’s supposed to hold school supplies, but you turned it into your jewelry drawer. She reaches in and starts pulling out various options. 

“Put that on and then we can pick out a necklace and earrings. Oh and maybe a ring.”

You shimmy into the dress that just hits mid-thigh and shove your hands into the pockets. Who doesn’t love a dress with pockets? Brittany gestures for you to sit down in your desk chair. She holds up a black and gold-studded collar necklace that goes perfectly with the simple dress. 

She stands behind you and starts to run her fingers gently through your hair. She pulls back a little on each side and braiding the pieces until the meet in the back, not unlike your hair for Regionals last year. You curl the rest into big waves that fall beautifully over your shoulders. 

“Tina, you look so hot.” Brittany says, admiring her work. “Sam won’t know what hit him.”

You find a pair of patterned black tights and black heels to tie it all together. You stand in front of the full-length mirror that hangs on the back of your door. Your hands are actually shaking. 

“Now or never, I guess.” You say just as your phone buzzes. 

_We’re here. Sam’s not really talking to me much so I don’t really know how he’s feeling._ Blaine says. You’re only allowing this communication because you need an inside man to make this plan run smoothly. 

_Be there soon._ You text back. 

 

Way too soon. 

Brittany insists on paying for a cab because she claims to be too cold to walk to the subway station. She should have worn more than just a denim jacket. 

You arrive at Callbacks and immediately spot Sam. Well, you actually spot Dani first because her hair is bright blue. Brittany starts to walk in their direction but you grab her elbow. 

“Wait, I think…I think it would better if Sam didn’t see me until after I sing. I don’t want him to get mad and leave or anything.”

She nods slowly with understanding and sits down at a small, empty table behind them. From here you can see how uncomfortable both Blaine and Sam look. Blaine is sitting on the end next to Elliott with his hands in his lap staring at the stage. Sam is on the opposite end beside Dani with his arms crossed over his chest watching the NYADA student on who’s singing a song from Les Miserables. Both look like they’d rather be somewhere else. 

“Are you going to go now or later?” Brittany looks at you with wide, expectant blue eyes. 

You groan. “Now? I’m so nervous! I haven’t done this since I sang to Blaine before Sadie Hawkins and you remember how that went…”

She cracks a smile. “That was really embarrassing.”

You cut your eyes at the girl. “Thanks. You’re really helpful.”

She full-on laughs. “Sorry! It’s true though.”

“I think Santana is rubbing off on you. Where’d the nice Brittany go?”

“Aw, come on. I’m still nice!” She furrows her eyebrows. You shake your head and stand slowly, giving her once last petrified look. 

“You can do it!” She shouts after you, causing Blaine to turn around. He spots you and gives you a sad smile. You just nod at him and focus on making it to the stage without tripping. 

The NYADA girl finishes and abandons the stage, leaving it open for you. Like Santana, you hand off a USB containing the karaoke version of your song and take center stage. 

The guy controlling the music waits for your cue. 

“This is for my best friend.” You say, cryptically, repeating Sam’s own words back to him. You nod to the music guy and he starts your song. You squeeze your eyes shut and start singing. 

_I miss those blue eyes_ – which is a funny line because you actually did think his eyes were blue until you saw them up close for the first time. 

_How you kiss me at night_   
_I miss the way we sleep_   
_Like there's no sunrise_   
_Like the taste of your smile_   
_I miss the way we breathe_

You’re not sure when Sam looked up but he’s watching you now. When you open your eyes you feel his _green_ eyes on you. Your breath hitches causing you to miss a couple words, but luckily you know this song well enough to pick it right back up. 

His face contorts into the same sad expression he had when Blaine confessed his feelings for him in song during Guilty Pleasures week in the auditorium. It’s slightly helpless, yet sympathetic. His lips are pursed together tightly and his eyebrows are furrowed. You can almost feel your heart breaking at the sight of it. Suddenly you’re afraid that this isn’t enough. 

_But I never told you_  
 _What I should have said_  
 _No I never told you_  
 _I just held it in_  
 _And now I miss everything about you_

You pour your heart into the words. This has to be enough. This has to work. 

But suddenly he answers the question tugging at your mind. He opens his mouth and takes in a sharp breath, breaking the eye contact. It doesn’t work. He gets up before the song ends and walks straight out the door. 

You finish your song anyway and steer your eyes away from Blaine’s open mouth staring at you and Dani and Elliott exchanging looks. Brittany makes her way to the stage and immediately wraps you up in a hug when you step off. 

“I’m sorry Tina.” She says, holding you tight. You gulp back tears and just nod. 

“It’s okay.” You pull away. You know your eyes are probably red, but you are not going to break down here. 

“Come stay with us again tonight. You can just come straight to San’s place. You don’t have to go back to your apartment.”

You shake your head. “No, I’ll come over later. I need to go back to my apartment for a little while.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” She offers.

“No, I just need a little while alone. I’ll be fine. I’m okay, Britt. I tried. When he’s ready to talk, we’ll talk.” You shrug and fight back more tears. Brittany waves off Blaine as you head for the door. 

 

You trudge up the stairs to your apartment. You need some alone time to process what just happened before heading back over to Santana and Rachel’s apartment. And you would really like to change out of your tights. 

But when you open the door you freeze. The hall light is on and Titan is nowhere to be seen. Your eyes immediately fall on Sam’s door to find a strip of light shining from underneath it. So he doesn’t completely hate you if he decided to come back here. 

Quietly you close your bedroom door behind you. You pace back and forth before changing and then sitting down at your desk and popping your headphones in. You need some noise to block out the fact that he’s only a mere ten feet away from you, maybe less, only separated by a thin wall.

Your sketchpad is lying open on your bed from earlier when Britt was looking through it as you curled your hair. Doodling always helps you think. You open it to a blank page and put it in front of you on the desk. 

But instead of doodling your hand starts writing. You write and you write. Your head fills with Leighton Meester’s Words I Couldn’t Say from Sam’s favorite movie. It’s the perfect soundtrack to your writing. 

You write all of the things you never said to him, all the words you couldn’t say. The things that didn’t quite make sense until you realized just how you felt for him. You write down the little things that you love about him and all of the reasons that he’s a jerk that makes your knees weak. You tell him why it took you so long to figure it all out and you tell him that you’re sorry it was so late. While you think of more things to tell him you find yourself doodling on the edges of your letter. Well, it’s not exactly a letter. It’s kind of a mess. 

Random words and sentences are now surrounded by random drawings of flowers and lots and lots of dresses. He’ll love that. That is, if you can get up the nerve to give it to him now. 

You finish your ridiculous-looking cluttered “letter,” if you’d even call it that, and fold it in half. _Sam._ You write on the front. 

_Are you still coming over?_ Brittany texts you. 

_Is that still ok?_ You ask her. 

You pace your room. You hope it’s okay. Your new plan is to give him this crappy piece of sketchbook paper and flee the scene…if he’s even still here. You’ve been listening to music this whole time you haven’t been able to hear anything. 

_Of course! Rachel says please come._ Your phone buzzes again. 

_I’ll be there in a little while._

You pace some more. And some more. This might be more nerve-wracking than singing in front of a room full of people. This time it’s just you and him and he has so much power over you. That’s not a feeling you enjoy. 

But you think back to what you told yourself last year during Diva week in Glee. _Divas don’t call ex-boyfriends, Tina. Stop being afraid of going after what you want._ You smile. Your own words of wisdom may have been misguided the first time around, but this time it’s just the little bit of confidence you need. 

You finish packing a bag to stay with the girls tonight and take a deep breath before opening your door. Just as you had hoped, the sliver of light is still shining from underneath his door. After sitting your bag on the floor, you lightly rap on the painted solid wood door. You can hear some muffling around and Titan’s nails on the floor before Sam pulls the door open and gives you a nervous look, but most of the coldness is gone from his eyes. 

“Hi.” You say in a shaky voice, your stomach completely in knots. 

“Hey. I’m…uh…just here for Titan.” He says quickly, looking down. 

“Uh…okay, I figured.” You feel your heart sink. Before you can change your mind, you hold out the folded piece of thick paper. “Here.”

“What’s this?” 

“Just read it. Please.” You say, almost begging him. 

His eyes are wide as he looks at the curly S of his name curiously then back up at you. 

“I’m going to Santana’s so you can have the place to yourself.” Your voice finally cracks. 

“Don’t…” His hand seems to instinctively reach out for you, but he pulls back. “…cry.” He finishes weakly, his hand hitting his side. 

Your bottom lip quivers and you turn away quickly, gathering your things and shutting the front door a little too hard behind you, leaving the blond boy staring wide-eyed after you. 

Once you reach the bottom of the stairs, you think you hear the door again and Sam’s voice but you’re too scared to look back. You cannot handle a second rejection from him in a matter of one day. 

 

You cringe when you check your makeup in the reflection of the glass door of Santana and Rachel’s building. Huge black streaks and shadows surround your eyes. You haven’t even been crying that much, but the look on his face when he pulled his hand away had stung. 

You’re lying on the couch with your head in Rachel’s lap and your feet propped up on Brittany when Santana gets home. She frowns. 

“Goddammit Trouty. What did he do?” She narrows her eyes and looks between you and her girlfriend. 

“It’s okay, Santana. He walked out before my song was over, but then he was home when I got back so I wrote him a letter. He didn’t look as mad then but who knows.” You sigh. You’re not actually all that upset now. You’re done crying for sure. 

She snorts. “I’m going to have a talk with him next time I see him.”

“San, you should let Tina figure this out on her own.” Brittany gives her a look. 

“Brittany has a point, Santana. Sam is a lot like her.” Rachel pipes up, gesturing to Brittany. “They both love a lot with all of their huge hearts, but that makes it easy to get hurt. I don’t think that Sam has fallen out of love with Tina in a matter of two days. He just got hurt and he’s probably scared, because he does not have a great history in the love department.”

You nod against her small thighs. “She’s right. That’s kind of what he told me. He said he was trying to do things differently with me because of how crappy his love life has been.”

The Latina girl sighs. “Okay fine. But if he doesn’t come around soon I will say something.”

You just shake your head. Santana runs off to change and Brittany darts off after her. You sit up next to Rachel and she holds your hand. 

“Don’t give up yet, Tina.” She smiles at you. 

Brittany races back into the room holding two pints of Ben & Jerry’s. “Who wants to pig out and watch Disney movies all night?!” She squeals excitedly. 

Santana walks out her room in pajamas just in time to join in yours and Rachel’s cheers. The two other girls squeeze in next to you on the couch and Brittany tosses a blanket over all eight legs. Santana hands over a pint of ice cream for you and Rachel to share and you start the movie. 

You laugh as Rachel immediately starts singing along to the foreign words at the beginning of the Lion King. You feel a slight pang of sadness as you remember the last time you watched this, similarly curled up under a blanket, but wrapped in big, strong arms rather than squeezed between two divas. 

_It’s the circle of life!_

Three of you belt out the chorus while Brittany makes animal noises. Rachel is the only one who can continue because the rest of you are dying laughing. 

If nothing else you do have the best girl friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Credits: 
> 
> I Never Told You - Colbie Caillat  
> Words I Couldn't Say - Leighton Meester (Country Strong)  
> Circle of Life - Elton John (The Lion King)


	14. Give In To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to switch things up and get inside Sam's head since, after all, the ball is in his court now.

Still **Saturday, January 4, 2014**

Why? Why did I do that? _Sam thinks to himself as he shuts the front door of his apartment after his failed attempt of calling Tina back up. She was right there. He could have just told her that he was sorry for leaving during her song. He just got overwhelmed. Sometimes his head does weird things and everything gets all mixed up. He just needed some air. But of course, once he was outside he realized that he’d messed up by walking out during her song. So he just went home. It was too late to go back in._

_Tina. Who would have thought that he’d end up falling in love with Tina? Not him, that’s for sure. But here he is. And there she went, slipping right through his fingers because he’s an idiot. She’s great. She isn’t perfect by any means, but that takes the pressure off of him. He can be a dork and she’ll laugh and poke fun at him, but he does the same to her. It’s easy being with her, probably because they were best friends first. She’s a diva just like Mercedes and Santana and even Quinn, but she’s a lot more easy-going these days. That probably has something to do with everything that happened to her._

_Crap. He’d almost forgotten about that. He feels terrible. He blew up at her two nights ago even though it was totally his fault. He never told her how he felt. He’d seen the way she’d completely crumpled at the notion of him being angry because she didn’t want to have sex. She’s clearly still very insecure about that and probably still somewhat afraid of making any guy angry, especially about sex._

_He mentally beats himself up for her hurting her and pulls out his phone to call her when he remembers the folded thick piece of paper in his hand. Titan follows on his heels as he sits back down on his bed and slowly unfolds the paper._

_It’s covered in words and doodles. His mind spins just looking at all of the words until he realizes that she actually wrote in a way that he could fairly easily understand if he used another piece of paper to cover what he wasn’t trying to read. Her letters are clear and neat and her words, however scattered across the page, are in straight uniform lines that are easy for him to follow. He wonders if she did that on purpose, remembering the tips that he uses that he shared with her._

_Sam finds another piece of paper to cover the distracting words so he can focus on one part at a time and uses the edge to create a straight line under the words. Slowly but surely he starts to read._

**Things I never said, but definitely should have:**

**I love the way your calloused fingers feel on my skin, almost as much as I love watching you build those callouses when you play guitar.**

_He runs a thumb over the very calloused fingers on his left hand. He’s been playing guitar since he was a little kid and his hands are evidence._

**I love how bright your smile gets when I call you Sammy. I think it’s because it reminds you of your siblings.**

**I love how you will do almost anything for the people you care about. It’s one of your best qualities.**

**I love how you scrunch your face up and open your mouth up really wide when you’re trying to hit the high notes.**

_An amused but slightly confused expression settles over his features as he tries to replicate his scrunchy high-note face._

**Your impressions are dumb, but they keep me laughing and smiling when I need it most. You always seem to know just what to say even if your words get all jumbled up.**

**The sheer amount of energy you have in the morning is disgusting. I hate it.**

_He laughs at that one._

**Your eyes are like big puddles of water, almost like the ocean—green with little flecks of blue and yellow. I could get lost in them.**

**I love how your eyes get wider when you concentrate really hard and you get completely lost in thought and forget the world around you.**

_He jumps up and stares in the mirror at his own eyes. Sure enough, they widen as he concentrates on finding the flecks of yellow that she’s memorized. He returns to the page and reads on._

**You’re such a dork. You’re a dork who reads fanfiction about robots and aliens and comic books about superheroes. I actually love that about you.**

**There are so many things that I’ve learned about you…that’s only a few of them. You’re amazing and I didn’t quite realize how addicted to you I am, until I had to spend some time without you.**

**Sam, I’m sorry. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize how I felt about you. I needed time to figure out who I am and I realized that I can be okay on my own. I’ve figured out who I am now…and I’m happy with myself. I can live without you, Sam, but I don’t want to. I won’t say that I don’t need you, but I don’t need you for me to know who I am. I do need you in the way that my heart feels like it might crumble if you’re not around.**

_He rereads that paragraph a few times because it’s a little confusing with double negatives, but he gets it. She’s grown so much over the past few months and he’s seen it firsthand. And he’s proud of her._

**Somehow you and I have always been second best, especially when it comes to love. Now I want to be your second best. I want to be your second love.**

_His heart skips a beat as he reads the final line on the page. He only barely remembers the conversation they had months ago about second loves. His made-up concept of second loves had stuck with her and she remembered._

_He swallows hard. She wants to be with him. But crap! He walked out of the bar in the middle of her song and he pulled his hand away when almost comforted her when she was crying earlier. It’s his turn to try to win her back and he wants to do it right._

_He picks up his phone and taps Nightbird in his contact list._

_“Hello?” Blaine answers, sounding a little bit confused._

_“Dude, I made a mistake.”_

_“By sleeping with Tina? I’d say.” He says nastily._

_“No…by letting her get away. I need you to forgive me and I need your help. Please, you’re my bro. You’re my best friend and I love you man.” Sam pleads with his best friend._

_Silence. Blaine sighs. “You’re right. I need to forgive you. I do forgive you. She loves you and you love her and I love you both. What do you need me to do?”_

 

**Sunday, January 5, 2014**

_You see him coming. Somehow you’re watching from outside the bathroom, watching him wait for you to come out. And you do._

_But something different happens this time. You watch as your dream-self steps out of the bathroom and his arms constrict around you in the same threatening manner. You can clearly see your mouth form the words “not this time.” Instead of the usual story, your elbow finds his ribs and he doubles over. You take the opportunity to knee him between the legs making him fully release his hold on you and you run. You run and you don’t look back._

You gasp sharply as you sit up in Rachel’s dimly lit room. The early morning sunshine struggles to stream in through her curtains, and the tiny brunette girl murmurs a line from Funny Girl in her sleep. 

You tiptoe across the room and out into the kitchen to get a glass of water. The dream was surreal. It was just like your old nightmares only this time you saved yourself. You take that as a sign that you’re getting better. It’s the first dream you’ve had in weeks and you’re not sure you’d consider it a nightmare. 

What is most striking about your dream is the fact that you helped yourself. Your subconscious recognized the fact that you’re standing on your own two feet again. At least, that’s what you think based on your limited knowledge of psychology from the intro class you took this past semester. Who knows. You’re going to see Dr. Jameson in two days and you’ll discuss all of this with her then, including this whole ordeal with Sam and Mike. 

Inside you may be getting better, but outside your life is a mess. You sigh as you return to your side of Rachel’s bed and drift easily back to sleep. 

 

The girls are nearly smothering with the plans they’ve made for you today. Rachel has decided to treat you to mani-pedis before her show at 3, and then Brittany wants to go to the zoo while Santana is working. 

So you’re sitting next to Rachel with your feet in a warm, sweet-smelling footbath listening to her chatter on about showbiz. You tune her out for most of the light massage you’re getting on your feet. You were a little sad to see the pretty green polish go from your fingernails and get replaced by a soft lavender, but you figure it’s probably for the best. 

The ball is in his court. If worse comes to worst you hope the two of you can work it out and still be friends. The fact that you share an apartment hasn’t evaded you. You’re pretty positive he can’t afford to live anywhere else, even with the money he makes working at Spotlight, and you have no idea who you’d live with. But here you are, avoiding your apartment like the plague because you’re so damn worried about seeing him. 

“Are you thinking about him again?” Rachel leans over closer to you in her chair.   
You sigh and focus your attention back on the short, loud Broadway star, who is kind enough to treat you to a spa day. “Yeah, I am. I should stop. You didn’t bring me here for me to sulk.”

“Hey, no, I get it. You’re allowed to sulk over boys.” She smiles at you. 

“Do you ever…” You pause. You’re not sure how to ask without sounding insensitive. “Do you ever think about dating again?”

She looks down at the woman rubbing lotion into the soles of her feet and nods slowly. “It’s like I told Mercedes last week. I will when I’m ready. There’s a line between your past and your future that you have to draw and I’ll do that too…when I’m ready. I just haven’t quite gotten to that point yet.”

You nod and reach over to squeeze her hand. She offers you a smile, which you return. 

“Thanks again for all of this.” You tell her and watch her smile grow brighter. 

“Of course! I hate coming by myself. I needed a friend.” 

You can’t believe you came to New York with the notion that Rachel was just an annoying diva. She’s actually pretty great. 

And so is Brittany. All of the girls are. 

Once Rachel waves goodbye to head to her show you meet up with Brittany in Central Park. 

“I just really want to see penguins.” She waddles along beside you—presumably like a penguin—in a light blue sweater with a giraffe printed on the front as you walk towards the zoo. You laugh pulling her through the gate by the hand and pay for both of your tickets. 

You envy her carefree, child-like demeanor as she takes off running towards the penguin exhibit. Her eyes are shining with wonder as you approach and watch the black and white birds glide through the water. 

“Did you know that with these penguins, the boys gather the wood and stuff but the girls are the one’s that build their houses?” Her eyes dart back and forth following the penguins as they swim. 

“They build houses?” You raise a skeptical eyebrow. 

“Well not real houses, but nests. Usually circular. With sticks and rocks.” 

You smile. Her enthusiasm is contagious. She grabs your hand and pulls you on to the next exhibit. Her mouth falls open in awe as she gapes at the Red Pandas on the other side of the chain length fence. 

“Did you know that Red Pandas have claws like cats that they can hide when they’re not using them? And they’re actually the first panda. The big black and white ones came second.” She grins at you. 

You laugh. “No, I did not know that. How do you know all of this?”

Her face gets serious. “When I was a kid my parents and teachers thought I was stupid because I wasn’t reading, but I just didn’t like the books. But then I found animal books and read those. Everyone kept giving me more and more animal books because they knew I’d read those, so I learned a lot.”

You smile. “You’re very smart, Britt.”

She beams and turns back to the pandas. You’re not lying. She is smart, just unconventionally smart. She knows weird things and she’s excellent with people. She somehow just seems to get other people, when they’re sad or happy. She always knows how people are feeling, and she always manages to distract them and make them forget whatever got them down in the first place. Which is probably why Santana and Rachel decided that the two of you would go to the zoo. 

“Let’s get cotton candy!” She yelps and pulls you away from the pandas finally. 

At the snack bar she gets you both a bottle of water and a huge thing of cotton candy to share. You pop a pink blob into your mouth as she scans a text on her phone. 

“We’re going to Spotlight for dinner to eat with San. She said she’s the only one working tonight, so you’re safe.” 

“You’re sure Sam’s not coming in?” You ask her. Not that it matters. You’re going to see him eventually anyway. But it would probably just be easier to give it time for the dust to settle. 

She taps out a text and then shakes her head. “She said no. Both him and Kurt are off tonight. Oh and Artie is eating with us.”

You smile at that. The last time you saw Artie was the other night at Callbacks, but he was sitting with Sam so you hadn’t talked to him. 

“Okay. That sounds good. I’m craving a milkshake.” You grin at the bubbly blonde girl, who drags you to the next exhibit. 

 

Santana flops down in the seat across from you still in the short red skirt of her uniform and smiles softly as Brittany kisses her cheek. 

“I am so tired. We stayed up way too late last night watching Lion King.” She groans. 

“Best Disney film ever made.” Artie waves a hand in the air. 

“No way. The Little Mermaid is the best.” Brittany argues. 

“Girl, we have had this argument before. The Lion King always wins.”

“I agree with Artie.” You chime in, even though you’re pretty sure your opinion has been slightly influenced by Sam. 

Brittany just pops a fry into her mouth and shakes her head. 

“Not singing tonight?” You smirk at Santana. 

“Oh hell no. My shift is over. I’m done. I’m sure someone will sing.” She rolls her eyes, but tosses Brittany a knowing look. 

You just shake your head and glance at Artie. He’s picking over his fries and his burger is nearly untouched. 

“Hey, are you okay?” You ask him, turning away from Brittany and Santana completely, who are now cooing over each other. It’s gross for all you single people. 

He shrugs. “Kitty and I broke up. The distance wasn’t working. I mean, we knew it would be hard, but we just didn’t ever see each other so…”

“Aw Artie, I’m sorry. When did it happen?” 

“When I was home for Christmas. It was mutual, but it still sucks.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?!” You ask him. 

“Well the whole thing with Mike and Sam happened and I figured you’d had enough drama.” He says, scrunching his nose up at you, making a sour face. 

You look at him guiltily. “Artie…you’re one of my best friends. You can always talk to me. Remember what we said during that whole Valedictorian debacle?”

He smiles at you. “Yeah yeah, I remember. Thanks. I’ll be fine though. This girl, Julie, in my film class keeps flirting with me, so ya know, this playas got options.” He smirks, looking way too smug. 

You laugh. 

“Uh-oh. Artie’s got game!” Santana sing-songs, mockingly. 

“Hey, I got your girl once.” He makes a face at her. 

“We dated?” Brittany jokes, her expression one of mock confusion. 

The four of you share a laugh before Santana’s eyes turn toward the stage and then flicker back to you. 

“What—” You turn around so that you can see the stage. You whip your head back to Santana who has a devious grin on her face. 

You should have known that this was a set-up. Sam is standing in the middle of the stage with his guitar and Blaine is sitting at the piano behind him. Both are watching you. 

“This…is for _my_ best friend.” Sam says, nodding to you. 

“Why do they keep saying that?” Brittany murmurs to Santana, but you block her out as Sam starts strumming his guitar and Blaine begins to play. 

He sings words that sound like they were written for him and they slice through to your very core.

_I’m a mess, I'm a wreck_   
_No one makes me feel like this_

His green eyes never leave yours as he sings his heart out. They’re warm and full of feeling, feelings for you. 

_Conversations, I imagine,_   
_Are they’re in my head?_   
_Did I wake up? Am I dreaming?_   
_Are you here now, baby in my bed?_

He winks at you and you see Blaine dramatically roll his eyes. You bite your bottom lip to slow the inevitable smile that’s creeping across your face. 

_I'm a mess, I'm a wreck_   
_If I ask, would you say yes?_

He raises an expectant eyebrow as he sings his question. You stop yourself before you nod. Of course you’d say yes.

_Beautiful girl, can you see me falling?_   
_All I want is you_   
_Make this a beautiful world,_   
_Now my heart is calling, so caught up in you_

You blink back the tears that are forming in your eyes, because you’re Tina Cohen-Chang and you cry over everything. You’re completely captivated by the beautiful blond boy singing to you. 

_I'll never let go_   
_Do you even know, you're a beautiful girl?_

When he finishes his song, the whole restaurant applauds. You abandon your food and your friends and make your way to the stage, but only make it halfway before he speaks again, this time not in the microphone. The quickly crowd loses interest in your exchange. 

“Tina, I’m sorry. I was an idiot.” He starts.

“I’m sorry too.” Blaine chimes in.

Sam smirks. “Shut up dude, this isn’t about you.” He sits his guitar down and meets you at the end of the stage. 

Your heart skips a beat as he moves towards you and wraps those strong familiar arms around you. Immediately, you melt into him, fitting together perfectly as if you’d always belonged right there. He holds you extra close and buries a hand in your hair like he’s afraid of you getting away again. 

You spot Blaine watching you with a sad smile on his face. You roll your eyes and offer him a real smile, gesturing for him to join you. His face lights up and he nearly sprints towards you, wrapping his arms around both of you. You snuggle into your two best friends: your safe place. 

“Get a room!” You hear Santana shout from the table. Sam cracks up. 

“We have a room! We actually have a whole apartment!” He calls back to her. 

The three of you release each other and you look between the two boys for a moment before turning to Blaine. 

“I forgive you. You’re my best friend and always will be. I couldn’t stay mad at you forever.” You smile at him. 

His eyes cloud over with tears and he pulls you in for another hug. “I’m so sorry. I let my anger get the best of me and I said things that I absolutely do not mean. And…and I’m just so sorry, Tina.”

You squeeze him tighter. “It’s okay, really. I forgive you.”

You pull away and look sternly between the two boys again. “Have the two of you made up?”

Both of their eyes widen, looking slightly afraid of you, and they nod. “Good. Hug it out.” You gesture, smirking. You feign confidence even though your heart is beating a million miles an hour and the butterflies won’t stop fluttering.

Sam smacks Blaine on the a couple times before they let go of each other. “Thanks.” Sam tells his best friend quietly. 

“Can we go home?” Sam pleads with you.

“I gotta pay—” You gesture weakly over your shoulder with your thumb.

“Santana, put Tina’s on my tab!” He shouts over his shoulder as he grabs your hand and practically skips out the door. You run back in, skidding towards the table to grab your bag and wave goodbye to your laughing friends. 

He holds your hand as he pulls you down to the subway, then he holds your hand as you sit nervously beside him. He even holds your hand all the way up the stairs to your apartment. When you walk inside it feels like home again, because you’re both there and you’re both happy. But something is different. You can feel the change. 

“I’m going to walk Titan.” He says finally, shuffling his feet nervously. It’s probably the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. Except for maybe his delicious little butt. Your cheeks redden with the thought and you nod, mumbling something about changing your clothes. 

Once in your room, you shut the door and lean back against it. The confidence you had back at the bar when you told the boys to get over themselves and make up has disappeared. You’re shaking like a leaf and you’re fairly certain that there is an elf or something in your stomach doing backflips making your butterflies go wild. 

You poke around in your drawers to find the cutest looking lounge wear you have, not that it matters since he’s seen you in both everything you own and absolutely nothing. You settle on the white t-shirt, that you’re fairly certain is his, and a pair of plaid pajama shorts. Your hair tumbles over your shoulders as you take Brittany’s braids down. 

You hear him come back inside, talking to Titan in a high-pitched voice. He opens the door to his room and starts moving around, making noise. You take a deep breath in a vain attempt to calm your nerves and step back out into the hall, glancing in Sam’s room. Of course, he’s half naked right in the middle of changing his clothes. 

“Sorry!” You squeak, not unlike the first time he nearly knocked your towel off. 

He chuckles. “It’s cool. It’s not like you haven’t seen it all before. You and half of Kentucky.”

“I know. But it just seems, I don’t know…”

“Totally different now?” He finishes your sentence and meets you in his doorway, standing a mere six inches away from you. You can feel the body heat radiating off of his bare chest. 

You nod slowly, not breaking eye contact. Slowly his hands leave his sides and find yours. He laughs nervously. 

“It’s weird because we’ve done this a million times. Twice only than a week ago!”

“I guess we’ve got some navigating to do.” You smile at him, trying to ease the tension for both of you. 

Slowly but surely he leans down and captures your lips in his, and just like that a switch is flipped. It feels perfect and just…right. You wrap your arms around him and hold on tight. He walks backwards with you in his arms until the backs of his legs hit the bed and he sits, pulling you down with him. You kneel on either side of him and straddle his lap. 

He tightens his grip on you as he lies back on the bed, pulling you down with him. Your kisses deepen and become even more intense. He shudders when you move away from his lips to kiss from his ear down the side of his neck. You sit up and pull your shirt off over your head. 

“So beautiful.” He murmurs, his hands gently caressing your sides. Your lips find his again and the rest of your clothing finds the floor, and soon you’re all bare skin and gentle, passion-filled kisses.

He rocks against you, teasing you making your breathing quicken. He grabs a condom and rolls it on himself while you rake your fingers over his immaculate chest. You grind your hips against his a few more times, taking in the sight of near perfection in front of you, before lowing yourself onto him, desire shooting through your veins. 

He moans against your lips as he tilts his head up to kiss you again. They’re fast and hard, setting your lips on fire. He nips at your bottom lip, pulling you down even closer to him. When you finally come up for air, you’re momentarily mesmerized by the green eyes, once filled with so much lust now hold something more. 

Your lips reconnect with his neck and he groans in your ear, sending chills down your spine. Brittany was right. It’s better with feelings, feelings that are out there in the open. Every inch of your skin is tingling as he runs his hands up and down your back, stopping every so often to tangle in your hair or grip your thighs. 

“Oh Sam…” You whimper as your walls come crashing down and every nerve in your body spasms intensely. You feel him shudder with you, burying his lips in your neck. You’re both still for a moment before you extract yourself off of him. 

His big green eyes stare at you for a moment until he finally opens his mouth. “I love you.” He blurts out. 

Your heart skips a beat. You’re just about to return the sentiment when you get an idea. You obviously love him too, but this is Sam. And you cannot pass up an opportunity to poke fun at him, especially after the countless Star Wars movie marathons he’s made you sit through since August.

“I know.” You say with a smirk.

His huge mouth falls open. “Oh my God, did you just Han Solo me?”

You grin wider in response. 

“Oh my God, so mean!” He starts to tickle you. You squeal and struggle to escape his arms. 

“Okay, okay!” You pant and continue to squeal like a little girl. “I give! Stop! Saaaaam!” 

Finally, he stops and pretends to pout with his arms crossed over his bare chest. You grin. He’s so easy. Your heart feels like it might beat right out of your chest and the butterflies are back. 

“I love you.” You say, your grin is replaced by a small, shy smile. And yeah, it seems a little soon to be saying those three words, but then again not really. This is the guy who’s been your best friend for almost a year and your number one confident for the past six months. You’re closer to him than anyone else and you do love him.

The big, trouty lips that you’ve grown to love so much curve into a lopsided grin. You both leave the sanctuary of the bed to put clothes back on and let Titan in to cuddle with both roommates again. 

“Well now that that’s out of our system, we should probably talk.” You say as your head hits the pillow. 

He rolls to his side to face you. “What are we talking about? We both just said I love you.” He nods matter-of-factly. 

“Yeah, but what does that mean for us? Are we together? Are we still just roommates who are sleeping together who love each other?” You raise your eyebrows. 

“Be with me. _Give yourself to the dark side._ ” He grins as he quotes Star Wars in his best Darth Vader impression. 

You can’t help but laugh at how much of a dork he is. “Hmm…so you claim to be on the Dark Side and White Chocolate? You’re kind of confusing, Sammy.”

His smile is nearly blinding. “Will you be my girlfriend?” He asks you, his voice taking on a child-like quality. 

It’s sweet and simple, unlike the rest of your complicated relationship. You find yourself nodding your head before you even realize it. “I’d love that.”

You spend the rest of the night wrapped up in each other talking and laughing and learning as much about each other as you can. And you even agree to reading one of his favorite comics with him, which you have to admit is actually really good. 

 

**Tuesday, January 7, 2014**

And then you decide to spend all of Monday in bed too, with your phones set aside. School doesn’t start until Wednesday and you called in sick to your internship at Vogue.com. Blaine calls several times, you get a couple insulting texts from Santana, and Sam even gets a call from Kurt, but you both ignore all of them, except for the invite to Callbacks Tuesday night to kick off the semester. The only time you end up leaving the safe haven of your bedroom is when you have to walk Titan, when you run out of food Monday afternoon, and your Tuesday morning therapy appointment. 

You tell Dr. Jameson all that she’s missed since the last time you saw her. Since then you’ve told your parents and Mike about what happened last summer. In fact, you ended up telling a lot more people than you ever anticipated. But surprisingly you don’t feel bad about it. You’ve told your closest friends and family and that pretty much includes all of the people you would ever want knowing. You still don’t think you would ever volunteer your story to a stranger, unless it was at one of those awareness events that helped raise awareness and eliminate rape culture. 

Because after all, _I am a powerful woman, and my growing feminism will cut you in half like the righteous blade of equality!_ You think to yourself, smirking.

But even with that said, you’re still not sure that you’re ready to do anything quite like that. The weight that has lifted off of your shoulders still kind of blows your mind. Who knew that just talking about it and getting it all out there would make you feel so much better. You had literally been digging your own grave while simultaneously burying yourself alive before. But you saved yourself and that’s what’s so important to you. 

And then there’s Sam. You tell Dr. Jameson about the latest development with Sam and she isn’t surprised at all. Apparently you were the only one who didn’t know how you felt about Sam, because all of your friends seemed to know too. 

Speaking of, Sam strolls in your room after walking Titan as you zip up the gold-studded, long-sleeve, burgundy dress you’re wearing to Callbacks tonight. They should probably reserve a booth just for your friends since you’re always there these days. 

He rolls up the sleeves of his charcoal gray and navy plaid button-down that he’s paired with dark wash jeans and boots. You smooth the soft navy blue v-neck, making sure to run your fingers over his _washboard abs_. You giggle at the thought. That’s what got you and Sam in trouble with Blaine in the first place. He leans down and plants a kiss on your lips. 

“Ugh, you taste like Doritos and Chapstick. Not a good combo.” You make a face. He just rolls his eyes and checks you out. 

“You look kinda hot. If we were alone in a bunker, I’d totally hit that.” He smirks, tugging on the long braid you have thrown over your shoulder. 

Your mouth falls open in fake offense and you push him away. “Sounds like a lot of cold showers in your future with that kind of attitude.”

He laughs and puts a hand on the small of your back. “Come on, let me escort my _girlfriend_ to a bar even though neither of us are old enough to drink, legally.”

You lean into him and let him whisk you away. 

 

Sam leads you hand-in-hand into Callbacks and to the table where Rachel, Santana, Kurt, and Blaine are sitting. Brittany is already back at Rutgers for school and Artie claimed to be working on a project. 

“Well well well, look who crawled out of the hole they’ve been living in for the past three days.” Santana snarks in your general direction, but you just shrug. 

“Who was living in a hole?” Sam looks confused. You shake your head and nudge him towards the two open seats between Blaine and Rachel. 

“Are you going to sing Tina?” Rachel asks you excitedly as you sit. 

You smile, but Sam pulls you right back out of your chair before you can get a word out. 

“We’re singing now!” He cheers and drags you toward the stage. His strong hand laced with yours is a feeling you’ll never get tired of. 

He pulls two stools up to the microphones and grabs the acoustic guitar that’s perched on the side of the stage. He starts quietly tuning it before nodding to you. 

You pull the mic toward you and speak. “Hi everyone. So we’re going to sing for you tonight, but for the record, this is the first and last country song I am ever going to perform. Ever.” You give Sam a pointed look. He just grins back. 

“It’s true. She doesn’t like country but I grew up singing country so she’s doing this for me. And if we’re honest, there are like zero Asian country singers, so…”

The crowd chuckles and you hear Kurt yell. “Just sing already!”

You feign offense with your hands thrown up and make a face at him as Sam starts to strum the guitar. He deepens his voice and begins to sing, his adorable southern twang coming out. 

_I'm gonna wear you down_   
_I'm gonna make you see_   
_I'm gonna get to you_   
_You're gonna give in to me_

His eyes meet yours and a smile plays on his pouty lips. 

_I'm gonna start a fire_   
_You're gonna feel the heat_   
_I'm gonna burn for you_   
_You're gonna melt for me_

He raises his eyebrows suggestively making you grin even wider as you start to sing along with him. 

_Come on, come on_   
_Into my arms_   
_Come on, come on_   
_Give in to me_

He continues to strum along, creating the perfect music for your solo part of the song. He watches you with so much admiration in his eyes. The butterflies in your stomach go wild. You place a hand on his shoulder, just to ease your desire for constant physical contact. 

_You're gonna take my hand_   
_Whisper the sweetest words_   
_And if you're ever sad_   
_I'll make you laugh_   
_I'll chase the hurt_

He sings along with you, his deep voice blending with yours. Your eyes stay locked on his as you both confess your love to each other in song, actually singing together for the first time. 

_My heart is set on you_   
_I don't want no one else_   
_And if you don't want me_   
_I guess I'll be all by myself_

You take over and sing the rest of the song before the perfectly blended harmony of the last line you sing together. You’re met with cheers and applause and Sam’s dazzling smile. He leans over and plants a soft, sweet kiss right on your lips for the whole bar to see. 

“Wanky!” Santana shouts as the applause dies down and you leave the stage to return to your seats. The Latina girl had clearly been filming your performance for Brittany because less than a minute later your phone buzzes with a notification that @Snixxx posted a picture that she’d managed to capture of the sweet kiss you and Sam shared on stage. 

“ _Finally. #samtina? #cohevans?_ ” Sam reads the caption aloud, slowly sounding out the two blended names. 

Everyone at the table immediately starts arguing over which name is better. Sam just wraps an arm around you and presses a kiss to your temple. You lean into him and grin. 

“I love you.” You whisper into his neck, kissing it lightly. 

“I know.” He grins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I obviously do not own Star Wars, but I could not pass up the opportunity, and it's Sam and he's a dork. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> Song Credits:  
> Beautiful Girl - Chord Overstreet  
> Give In To Me - Leighton Meester & Garrett Hedlund (Country Strong)


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